Weekly Hit

I bet you think I got this song specifically for a break up lol...well...you are wrong! I actually bought this CD whenever it came out. I used to be a real big country music fan. I still like country music, some of it, but I listen to all kinds of music. I do remember "back in the day" lol that I sang my heart out to this song and I wished that whoever had just broken up with me would show at least some kind of emotion, but I honestly can't remember who or how old I was even. As I was watching this video though it made me realize this is mostly for the person who got dumped. If you are the one doing the dumping you are going to feel relieved to be out of the relationship and free to speak so why would you "cry". I realize some people may just feel bad that they are hurting somebody, but if that is your soul purpose in showing any kind of emotion then I'd say just don't. In my little mind if show emotion when you break up with someone that tells me that you aren't really over them or want to be done with them. I know this isn't the case for everybody and I also know that there are some people/relationships that just don't work no matter how bad they want it to. Look at Maci and Ryan from teen mom. Reguardless as to what they say, I feel that they both want it to work, but they know they don't work. Ok, I am really going to go do my school work now lol.

Thank You...

As I was working tonight, I was thinking about what I would blog about tonight. I actually had a topic picked out that talked about addiction. I decided against that topic for now because I'm just not ready to go down that road. After working a little longer, it hit me that I had feelings I had never even thought about. I guess I took a step back and looked at where I have come from and where I am today. A whole lot has happened in a month's time and I am apparently growing as a person without realizing it. Trust is a very hard thing for me. I have allowed my past to harbor feelings of distrust and fear and even some anxiety. When I start a new relationship I do trust so to speak. I know I have no reason not to trust them unless they end up doing something that breaks trust. I am scared when I start a new relationship because I don't want to get hurt in any way, so I keep my guard up. Once something is done that breaks any form of trust with me...the relationship may as well be over. It would take a very strong and patient man to stay with me once they lose my trust. I have come to realize that through the help of some of you guys I am slowly but surely starting to let my guard down and start to trust even if it's just a tiny little bit. This is a huge break through for me because I have been trying to work on this for years. I still have a long ways to go on this issue, but I am very excited over the progess that has been made. I realized tonight that I am starting to feel a little more free and I can't tell you what kind of smile that has put on my face. I am learning to be me and I know that if somebody wants to lie to me or do something they know would hurt me then that is on them and I am not going to let it rule me anymore. If you are that type of person that lies and tries to hurt other people then I really don't need you in my life. I have situations in life right now that for the most part I trust but I have my moments of distrust and I begin to question why I have them in my life because it's the type of feeling you just don't ignore..kinda like woman's intuition. I am starting to feel that I have a great support system and yes a lot of it is through facebook and you guys that read my blog. I have received some very encouraging words from you guys and you all have listened to me whine and complain and have heard me talk about some really hard times in my life and not once has anything negative or bad been said to me. I just wanted to share this with you all because you all have played a part in helping me transform into a better person. The Lord has just been right here holding my hand every step of the way and I trust Him a whole lot more now than i did a month ago. I do feel God is preparing me for something and for quite some time now I've had thoughts that God was preparing me to get fired. So far I have not been fired and I really really hope he doesn't allow that to happen, but if He does I know that He has equipped and prepared me to trust fully in Him. If I end up fired and you guys hear me freaking out because I don't know how to provide for Maddy, please remind me that the Lord has it under control and remind me of what I said on this post lol. If me being fired is not what He is preparing me for, then I am really excited or anxious to know what it is. I better get started on my school work now. Again, thank you all for being my support system and helping me in times of need...I really appreciate it more than you know :)

First Week

I wanted to talk a little bit about my first week at school. My first day I was a little confused on how it all worked. There is still a little bit I am confused on. Once I worked through what all I was supposed to be doing, it's gotten a lot better. My sleep patterns have already changed and I must say so far that has been the hardest. My first night I didn't get done with homework until 11:30 p.m. because I am on overtime at work so I don't get done until 10 p.m., then I go straight into school work. The part that concerns me a little is this is just orientation. The purpose of it is to show you what it will be like when you start your actual classes. At first I thought this would be really dumb, but it is much needed. Once my classes start I will not be able to get away with only an hour of work. I will have to put a lot of thought into what I am doing and failing is not an option. The assignments are pretty easy so far. What takes me the longest is not everything is in one place. You start out in one thing, then you have to go to other tabs to get the rest of the things that are due. My fear of failing is starting to act up and I'm starting to do the oh no, what if i fail this thing that I always do to myself. I am trying to keep that out of my mind and just let the Lord handle it. That is very hard for me to do. If you are a parent going back to school, how do you juggle your day to day duties and school and work? Time management is going to be crucial in my life, and the more stressed I feel, the worse this skill becomes. Do you have any advice or tips you could share? If you are reading this I would like to ask you to say a small prayer for me that God will guide my life and I will turn all my worries over to Him. Thank you for taking time to stop by and read my blog :)

Mommy 101

I may turn this into an ongoing topic...who knows with me lol. The point of this post is to talk about all the things I've learned about being a mom. The most shocking thing I learned about being mommy is the amount of opinions that are thrown my way. I guess whenever kids are involved people think they have the right to tell you what you should or should not do for your child. I've had complete strangers come up to me and tell me I should have socks on Maddy's feet or I don't have her warm enough and this and that. It really blew my mind that these people honestly thought they knew what is best for Maddy...that I would just let my child freeze or whatever the case may be. I haven't exactly mastered the art of just letting these things roll off my back, but I can at least say to myself that I know I am a good mom despite what anybody may think or feel and I love Maddy very much. I have her best interest at heart in everything I do. Another thing I've learned is that you expect to teach your child this and that, but your child also teaches you things. Maddy has shown me what love is all about. She showed me things in my relationship with the Lord before she was every born that I probably never would figured out or understood. Something I've learned that actually deals with parenting I guess is the word I'm looking for is this...I used to have a lot of problems with Maddy waking up a whole bunch in the middle of the night when I was trying to get her to sleep in her crib. I started leaving a bottle in her crib so when she would wake up she would drink her bottle and go back to sleep. To this day I keep a bottle in her crib for when she wakes up. I also have one of those crib toys that plays music that has really helped. Brand new they run around $40 which I thought was ridiculous. Thanks to the Just Between Friends sale I got one for $10. Maddy absolutely LOVES this thing. She knows how to operate it all by herself. She can change the sounds and she knows how to turn it on and off. She seems quite proud of herself that she can do this lol. Something else I've learned is if baby starts out not liking the swing...DON'T force them lol. Force is actually the wrong word, we just helped her to like it. The first day home from the hospital I used her swing and for the most part she didn't mind. I was was either using her swing or I'd lay her in her bassinet. At some point soon after her first day home she decided she didn't like the swing for some reason, so I quite using it for a while. My mom and I were talking about her swing issue, so my mom showed me what she did with my sister, who in turn ended up loving the swing. I was wanting Maddy to use her swing at night for her bed and after my mom worked with her one night Maddy came to love her swing. I was so happy, but little did I know the consequences of this. Some people start out using the crib right off the bat. I am/was terrified to do this because I've heard and read all about the babies who suffocated and I wanted Maddy to be safe. My plan was throughout the day use her swing and bouncy seat and then at night use her bassinet. I wanted to put Maddy in her crib around 4 months because she would have better control over her muscles and could roll over if need be. I believe Maddy was around 2.5 months when she got ok with the swing again. Soon after she turned 4 months I tried putting her in her crib. It was a no go. I couldn't keep her asleep when I put her down and if I could then she was up within an hour or so and there was no getting her back to sleep after that. I was still sleep deprived so I just said forget it and put her back in her swing. This was the wrong thing to do lol. I periodically tried getting her into her crib and for the record yes I did master the art of getting her in her crib while she was asleep haha...but I could never get her to sleep all night while in her crib. Once she would wake up she just cried and cried so I always would end up putting her in her swing. I went through 3 swings because apparently if you use them for 12 hours at a time every night plus naps the motor just goes kaput lol. I decided after the last swing died on me that I would just have to get her in her crib. She was I believe 10 months when this happened. The first night it took over an hour to get her to fall asleep in my arms. The whole week that week took a good hour to get her to fall asleep so I could then lay her in her crib, but after that it got better. Now, Maddy goes to sleep on her own. I rock her and let her drink her bottle and then I spend some time with her, but once she starts trying to play or she looks like she is about to fall asleep, I then put her in her crib and say goodnight. There are some nights she stays up a good bit after I lay her down, but she'll just lay there and play with her crib toy or finish drinking her bottle and talk to herself and then she will drift off to sleep. I know every baby is different, but this was just my experience with the whole crib/swing thing. If I have another baby..and I am really hoping I do...I will not be so big on the swing. I have also decided that I will let him or her nap in her crib while I am awake and then use the bassinet at night until I feel comfortable letting them sleep all night in the crib.

Weekly Hit

So, I'm not so happy with the video I'm having to use for this week's hit. The official video is too provocative and I don't want that trash on my blog lol. As you can see, this week's song is from Eden's Crush and it's called Get Over Yourself. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what stage of life prompted me to get this song lol. I want to say it was after my divorce, but I think I already knew of the song before then so I have no idea where I first heard it. If you can't tell already I like all kinds of different music. I don't always listen them all though, it just depends on mood I'm in at the time. Obviously this is a man hater song so if I've just gone through a break up or if I'm with a guy that has hurt me and I need to vent a little...this is one song I pull out and just sing my little heart out while driving. When I'm in that situation and I'm singing this song, it helps me feel strong again. I know that probably sounds so weird but it does. Once I get enough man hater songs out of my system I feel much better and feel as if I can get through that particular situation. For the record I don't hate men...yeah, I've been done dirty by a lot of men but I know there are good ones out there.

Oh, My My, MY...

As usual I have a lot on my mind, but this time it's good thoughts lol. As much as I would love to just say what is on my mind as I usually do, I'm not. I was originally gonna do my weekly hit post and hopefully let that take care of my wanting to write, but as I was looking in my tunes I realized that wouldn't suffice. I've had some pretty good conversation this week...it's all lead to the past. Yesterday I had the past on my mind a whole lot. You always hear, "Leave the past behind" or "The past is the past" Well, that's not entirely true. The past is what helps make us who we are. If you are scared to trust, it's because of something that happened in your past. If you are scared to love again, it's because of something that happened in your past. If you are scared to eat leftover food, it's because you had a bad experience with it in the past. We become who we are partly because of the past. I don't think that our past defines who we are, but it is a big part of what we have become. I do think you can leave the past in the past...but you have to learn from the experience first and then you can leave it behind you. There are very few things in my past that I regret. For the most part, even though I may have hated the situation I am pretty thankful for my past because it has helped me become the person I am today. I have wondered what we would be like if we didn't experience the things we have experienced in our past. For some they could love and trust a whole lot easier...for some they probably wouldn't be as strong as they are today. I'm beginning to think I'm not making any sense lol. I think it's time for me to end this and try to find my remote. I might get my weekly hit post done tonight as well :) Happy hump day everybody...I know I for one am so ready for the weekend...w00t w00t!

I Wish

I wish a lot of things to be honest, but what I am thinking about tonight is I wish the Lord would tell me up front whether people are entering my life for a season, or if they'd be staying around. I seem to have a consistent shift of people coming and going from my life. It seems like once I become attached to someone whether it be attached as friends or romantically, they leave. Every best friend I make ends up leaving my life or growing apart from me. My best friend in elementary school ended up moving to a different state the year we entered high school. Do you know how hard it is to have to face your first day of high school without your best friend? Then the next best friend (not that my first best friend has been replaced because she is still one of my best friends) I met while working at CSAS. I worked there for 3.5 years and I really enjoyed my friend's friendship. She ended up meeting a guy and they got married and she started not making time for me. Once I quit the school we very rarely speak and I hate that because we had so much in common. I did forget a best friend...it was my preschool best friend. I think we grew apart because once we started kindergarten we didn't see each other very often and we had new friends in our classroom. My last best friend was another real hard one on me. We met in training class and I started hanging out with "the group", maybe I should say outcasts of that class lol but anyways we got to know each other pretty good and talked all the time. Out of everybody in our group we seemed to have the most in common. He ended up saying he couldn't be my friend anymore and that was that. That was another hard one on me because I thought we could be life long friends and for once I would have a really good friend to hang out with that didn't mind Maddy. These aren't the only people that have left my life, but these are the best friends who have left whether it be their choice or someone elses'. As people enter my life I find myself constantly wondering why it is they have come into my life. I'd at least like to know up front whether it's safe to get attached to the person or not lol...is that really too much to ask for? I will just keep my eyes on the Lord and if I end up attached to someone that is only here for a season, then the worst thing that happens is I end up feeling really sad for a little bit. These are my thoughts tonight...