Faith

When I say the word faith, I instantly hear the song "That's What Faith Can Do" by Kutless. That is a great song by the way. The subject of faith got brought up last week and made me revisit who I used to be. I heard things from my sister that I had never known until last week and when we hung up I had so many thoughts going through my head. I used to have a much stronger faith than I have now, and I'm not too proud of that. My faith should be stronger today than it was yesterday. I have grown in my faith some this past year and it's all due to the movie "Facing The Giants." I can't really explain what it does, but when things get really hard for me and I say out loud, "I will still love you Lord", it has really helped me lean on God and see Him working in my life. I have been so stressed over financial things and my job and I can't tell you the number of times I've been reminded of the verse that says He takes care of the birds and the bees and I am so much more than those things so won't He take care of me as well? I remember very well some of the feelings I had back when my faith was super strong and I went through many rough times, the only difference is I was constantly reading my bible and praying and I was so eager to go to church to learn more about Jesus. Now, I am still eager to go to church. I haven't been to church in a long time and I will be going back real soon. I have been contemplating which church to try because wherever I go, Maddy will have to go to children's church. For now I am thinking of going to my mom's church until I can figure out where I want to go to church, I just have to make myself get up and be ready in time to get Maddy up and ready. I need to make a lot more time for God in my day to day activities/life. I can say I do talk to Him regularly throughout the week, but I don't take the time to just be still and listen.Thinking about my past and who I used to be has really made me step up and work on building my "stone wall".It has my hope that Maddy will have a strong faith and I hope that one day she will be able to recognize the strength of mine. I want to encourage you as parents or even if you're not a parent, as a person to really take the time and work on your relationship with the Lord. This world and the things in this world doesn't even compare to Him.This world is not my home and I am so thankful for that!

Snow Day 2011

Me and Maddy had a great snow day. I woke up at 4 and saw everybody saying that it did snow and a lot so I look out my window and sure enough it did. I checked to see if Maddy's daycare was officially closed and it was, but my work was not. I decided to try to get some more sleep because I didn't go to bed until 11:30. When I woke back up I had a text from my mom saying my work was closed, but it hit me later that just because they say they are closed, doesn't mean I get out of work. Luckily my boss let me work only what I could today and I will have to make up the missed time throughout the week. Once I got all that cleared up it was time to have some fun. We measured the snow on our deck and we got 8". Maddy pAfter Maddy ate breakfast we just played around the house all morning. After my step dad got all the dogs outside taken care, we all packed up and drove down to my uncle's house to go sledding. We had to walk a little bit to get to the hill and by the time we got there, Maddy was already frozen. While they got the hill ready to sled on...Maddy decided she wanted to walk. There was a tire trackandshe loves walking any kind of track or trail. Right as she was getting fussy it was our turn to sled. This was my first time being in control of a sled and I was a little nervous, especially knowing I was responsible for Maddy. My uncle helped us be safe by holding the rope and following behind us to keep us from going to fast, as well as fall. The entire time Maddy just stayed leaning forward...when we stopped she wanted to go again, but she was having a coughing attack and her little hand was turning blue and that's with a mitten on so my mom and me took her back to my uncle's to get warm. She fussed the entire way back, had we had a sled she could have been pulled on I think she would have been fine. On our way to the sledding hill my uncle pulled me and her on the sled and she loved it up unitil snow startd to touch her leg. Once we got her inside and warmed up it was time for lunch. After lunch she just explored my aunt and uncle's house. She kept looking at her cousin Aria (they haven't gotten to be around each other as much as I would like due to Aria's health conditions) and trying to figure her out. It was funny because Aria just wached Maddy as well and she would wrinkle her eyebrows like she does when she is confused. Once my uncle and mom and step dad came back in we sat down and had us a nice hot bowl of chili.Maddy seemed to really like hers. After eating everybody just sat and talked and me and Maddy continued exploring. It was really a beautiful day today and I thank God for all the snow. I am now praying He will make a way for me to get all my time in this week as well as help me with work in general. I haven't looked to see if Maddy's daycare is closed tomorrow, but I'm sure it is so we will probably have a semi snow day. I can't have a full day snow day otherwise I will never get my time at work in. I hope you all had fun and stayed safe and warm!

Flu Blues

On my way to pick Maddy up from daycare Thursday evening, they call telling me she has a 103 fever. I figured she had an ear infection because she has had some fluid on her ear the past couple of weeks. When I actually got to daycare she looked so pitiful. She's had a high fever before and it was from an ear infection, but she didn't look the way she did when I got her. I went home to get her in some comfy jammies and to see if she wanted any bite bites...she didn't. So me and my mom drive to PM Pediatrics just to make sure it wasn't bronchitis or pneumonia cause she would grab her chest like it was hurting her. By the time they took her temp it was up to 104.9. Usually while we wait for the doctor to come in, Maddy is all over the place wanting to walk around and get into everything, but not this time. She stayed in my lap the entire time, just sitting there. They tested her for the flu and sure enough it was positve. She had strand b. Maddy had a rough night Thursday night...I think her ear was hurting her real bad cause she would wake up so often and just cry and then drift back off to sleep. I think the longest stretch of sleep for her was maybe 3 hours straight. When she woke up Friday morning her fever felt much lower. She tried playing but bless her heart her body still said, "No, we're still sick and need to rest." She was fussy off and on all day Friday. She got 2 naps in the car, but when she would wake up she'd just scream and pull her hair. She didn't really eat anything all day Friday, but the good news is she was pretty much fever free at least half of Friday. The biggest challenge has been getting her mediciine down her. Even when I put it on the side and in the back, she got smart enough to realize she could blow it right back out. She still woke often Friday night and got up real early this morning. She still remains fever free and she actually ate a little lunch today. She wasn't real fussy and helped her Nana put away Christmas decorations...she did a good job :) She is afraid of the vacuum and my mom was fixing to run it so Maddy crawled up in my lap and just sat and watched. My mom kept getting interrupted by the phone so Maddy eneded up staying in my lap a little while and she finally gave up and dozed off to sleep. It's been a really long time since she's been asleep in my arms and it was such a good feeling to relive. She woke up and went to her Pops for a minute, but then she came right back to me and wanted right back into my lap. I laid her back and she fell asleep a second time. Maddy is very active and sleeping like that during the day is just not her. I had to work for 4 hours so her dad came over to watch her for me and most of the time he was here, she spent it sleeping. She finally woke up about 6:20 and when she did, she acted completely normal. Her sinus' weren't running out her nose constantly, she actually ate...she had some vegetable soup, crackers, fries, and part of a krystal...her eyes looked more normal and she just seemed even better than she had been. I really feel that she slept so much today because the rest of the flu bug was trying to get out of her system completely. Needless to say bedtime was pushed back tonight. So far she's been in bed a little over an hour and hasn't woken up like she has been. She still has a cough, but that's very minimal to what it has been. The doctor told me tamiflu wasn't like a miracle drug or anything like that, but it sure seems to have been. He said it lasts about 7 days and tonight will be the second full night and she already seems a lot better. I don't like seeing my baby feel so bad and it's even worse when she can't really talk and tell me what hurts and what she wants. Actually, all in all the hardest part has been the fact that she'd keep saying she wanted more please, but everything i gave her she didn't want. she'd just keep saying more please and I just felt so bad. I think she was feeling hungry but once she got what she thought she wanted she realized it wasn't really what she thought she wanted. I really hope this is the last time I see the flu for a very very long time, i'd really like to not ever see it again, but I think that's a little impossible :P

Parenting

My oldest niece Sara got a lot of books this year for Christmas. Personally I hate reading. After seeing all the books she got, it made me want to start reading. Even though I hate reading, I can read books that relate to where I am in life at that moment. The biggest part of my life right now is being a parent. I have seen several books that gives tips to parents of teenagers. I wanted a book that helped you from birth on up to teen years. I did find some books, but chose to get "The parent You Want to Be: Who You Are Matters More Than What You Do" I am on Chapter 4 right now and all in all it is a good book. It definitely gets you to thinking about who you are as a person as well as a couple, if you are a couple. They wrote this book primarily for couples for obvious reason, but as a single parent you can adapt. One of the most important things apart from teaching her who Jesus is, is making sure Maddy has positive self esteem. They say to "affirm" your child much different than I have been, but it makes total sense. They say when your child does something good, for example, win a field day race...instead of saying, "Wow you're a fast runner", to say things that allow them to make that positive inference...such as "I can tell you worked really hard out there" or ""I can see you gave it your all" It is going to take me some time to reprogram my affirmation skills, but I think it will be worth it in the end.

Happy New Year!

Well, this will be my first post of the new year. It's so hard to believe it's 2011. I remember y2k and how they thought everything would crash and once the clock struck 12, things just kept right on going as usual. Now it's 11 years later and things are keepin on keepin on. I kinda have some make up to do, so here we go. Christmas Eve me and Maddy spent most of the day with my mom doing our last minute Christmas shopping. We were supposed to be getting our "traditional" santa pic done at the mall, but there was so much to do already and she already has pictures of her and santa from school, and her hair was already messed up that I finally said forget it! For dinner we ate at Waffle House, which is actually a tradition my stepdad(along with my mom) tried to get started for us, but somewhere along the way it stopped. Once we got home, my sister along with her 2 girls came over as they were going to spend the night with us. The girls were so excited because they knew santa was coming. Once they got into bed me and my sister started wrapping presents. We stayed up till about 4:00 a.m. and was I ever so glad to be going to bed once we were done. When we woke up the next morning there was so much snow...it was just so beautiful. My nieces had been up and waiting for a while, so since Maddy was being quiet in her crib we decided to let them go ahead and go see what santa left them. It only lasted maybe 20 minutes and Maddy was ready to see what all was going on. It's my tradtition, started by my mom I do believe, to have pigs in a blanket on Christmas morning, so that was Maddy's breakfast along with some milk. When we walked into the living room I think she was overwhelmed. We had a room full of people along with a room full of presents and she wanted to stick close to mom. Her dad came over around 5 or 6 a.m. in order to not miss her waking up on Christmas morning. She just sat and stared at her presents not really knowing what to do. She got a Playskool house that has all kinds of buttons and music, a princess pup up activity hut, and I'm not sure of the brand but it's a piano that either sits or stands and you can hook it up to the tv and interact that way or if you don't want it hooked up to the tv, it still plays music.  The rest of her gifts included several dogs, several baby dolls, a shopping cart with food, a kitchen, a couple dvd's, puzzles, candy and some other things I can't seem to remember. All in all she had a great Christmas! We did take her outside long enough for her to see the snow and I put some in my hand to let her feel...she thought that was funny. That was our Christmas at home. The rest of the day consisted of going to my aunt and uncle's and eating and doing what is called a chinese gift exchange...it's super fun but I hate having to get up in front of everybody. The last thing we did was go to Maddy's dad's dad's house hehe. This is a very shortened version of Christmas.
For New Year's, Maddy's dad came over pretty early and we went to Wal-Mart to buy our new year's hats and of coarse had to get Maddy a little headband as well. Once my mom and stepdad got home we ate pizza, gave Maddy a bath, let her try on her headband and play some, then put Maddy to bed, then we played on the Wii for a little bit. We played Gold's Gym Cardio Workout and oh man, I woke up the next day so sore. Afterwards we played a card game called Phase 10. It lasted a couple hours or so and Maddy's dad ended up beating us all after he started out in last place. Once we were done, we just sat and watched the rockin new year's eve and then counted down and said happy new year. Pretty soon afterwards I went straight to bed ad luckily Maddy didn't wake up the next day until 9. On New Year's we went shopping with Maddy's Nana and then ate at Carrabba's for dinner.

As you can see I had a very busy but good holiday for both Christmas and New Year. As the last of the holiday weekend was coming to a close, I started feeling real sad and a lot of anxiety about going back to work. I am so stressed out at work. This is just Tuesday and already I feel as if I've worked a full week. I know the devil is trying to make me feel defeated and hopeless and he's doing a good job, but luckily I know that God is in control and I choose to let Him lead me. I have been praying over my job and I know that all I can do is my best and if it's just not good enough, then God has another plan for me. That is very scary to me because I don't have that second income to fall back on and my daughter's necessities don't stop just because I am jobless. It's also very scary to think about because I desperately need insurance for her. Everytime I start worry about this and that I instantly hear or think about how God provides for the birds and He thinks much higher of me then He does the birds. This new year I'm not really making a resolution...I never have really, but without even thinking about I decided to strive to get closer to God each and every day. This angered the devil and he is trying to prevent me from doing what I set out to do, but in the long run I will not let him win. Life without God is impossible and I want my love for Him to grow each and every day. One book I got myself this weekend is called, "I'm Not Good Enough"...and other lies women tell themselves by Sharon Jaynes. If you are a woman or lady, I highly recommend this book. I am just on chapter 4, but already it is doing some good. It's also deepening my relationship with the Lord and that excites me very much so.

Christmas Rush

It's so hard to believe that Christmas is in just a few days. I've waited since Halloween for this time to finally get here and now that it is I'm not ready for it to end. This Christmas has not been at all what I wanted it to be. It's primarily my own fault for letting situations beyond my control affect my mood and life to the point that nothing becomes enjoyable. I let my emotions rule me and this is something I really want to change. I had so many plans of what me and Maddy were going to do during the Christmas season. Out of everything I had planned...we only did 1 of those things and that certainly didn't go like I had planned. I feel as if the devil has just come and ruined everything good about Christmas this year and it's a little disappointing...even more disappointing that I allowed it. I still have high hopes of how I want Christmas morning to go, but I'm learning to not have any expectations that way you aren't as disappointed. This year for Christmas, my sister and her 2 girls will be spending the night Christmas Eve night so come Christmas morning we will have 3 girls ready to see what Santa brought them. I'm so excited for Maddy's Christmas this year...i think i'm really excited because she's at the age where she can enjoy things. I find myself still saying oh Maddy needs that and oh she would love that, but I need to be a good steward with my money as well as not spoil her just yet lol. Tomorrow we will be finishing up our Christmas shopping and then once she goes to bed tomorrow night I will be cleaning my room up like a mad dog cause my 2 nieces are probably going to be sleeping in my room and it's just a huge mess right now. I should be cleaning it right now, but it's an overwhelming task and I just don't even know where to put anything. I am so thankful to have a mom who is willing to take me back into her home while I can't afford my own place right now, but because I did have my own place for 2 years I have a lot of stuff that just doesn't fit all into one room. Well, if I'm going to get up at 6 tomorrow morning I guess I should try to get some sleep now.

Thanksgiving 2010

Maddy had her first real Thanksgiving meal this year and enjoyed every minute of it. My child eats round the clock...literally, but doesn't gain hardly anything. I'd give anything to have metabolism that high lol. I was disappointed because I did not get out in time to get her any Thanksgiving outfits so I had to do the best with what we already had. I decided to go with a brown dress. Our Thanksgiving started off at my grandparent's house. I think my family thought I was nuts, but I did strip Maddy down to just her diaper. I knew we had other places to be and I didn't want to get her "Thanksgiving" outfit dirty. She had turkey, ham, mac and cheese, a roll, green beans, corn, dressing, mashed potatoes, and a deviled egg. She pretty much ate her entire plate minus the mac and cheese and roll. Once I put her food on her high chair she went to town and was so super quiet. She is very serious about her food but she does occasionally look around at what is going on around her while she is chewing. Once we were done eating I put her clothes back on and let her walk around. Her cousins were there one of which she's only seen once. Aria is just now able to get out more because she had a very expensive RSV shot..it costs $1800 but with everything she has been through when she was born...they have to be extra careful with her and germs. Maddy would just look at Aria. Her other cousins Sara and Abby were there and Maddy enjoyed seeing them as well. Maddy really does have a big heart and she loves kids...I think it will be interesting to see if she grows up loving kids or if it's just a "hey you're my size" kinda thing. My love for kids developed at a somewhat young age, but mine was because my dad was verbally abusive and I wanted to see to it that no kid ever felt the way he made me feel. Once we left my grandmother's, we went to Maddy's dad's grandmother's house. Maddy doesn't know them very well, so she was a little more reserved and quiet. She wanted to stay close to mommy and daddy, but would watch to see what everybody was doing. Her cousin Tripp was a little on the wild side...I think they are cousins...they are something lol...he was a little more rough which made me a little nervous but luckily Maddy didn't get hurt. After Maddy walked around and played a little bit over there she was ready for her dinner. Her dad gave her some turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce, but she only wanted to eat the cranberry sauce...when she'd eat it all off her highchair she would say "more more" and do the sign for more. It's so cute..her daycare helps teach them sign language so they can communicate better and she picked up on "more" really quick and it's just so neat to see her do that..sometimes she doesn't even say it and will just do the sign, but she normally says it first THEN does the sign. After she ate we packed up and headed home. I'm gonna steal Wendy's idea and post a pic of last Thanksgiving and then one of this Thanksgiving. It's so crazy to think about how different things were this year verses last year. Last year she was only 2 months old and I did Thanksgiving on my own...single mom type thing...and went to my family's and then let her dad see her after we were both done with our family.

                                                           Thanksgiving 2009

                                                                Thanksgiving 2010

                                                                         Cousins