Christmas Rush

It's so hard to believe that Christmas is in just a few days. I've waited since Halloween for this time to finally get here and now that it is I'm not ready for it to end. This Christmas has not been at all what I wanted it to be. It's primarily my own fault for letting situations beyond my control affect my mood and life to the point that nothing becomes enjoyable. I let my emotions rule me and this is something I really want to change. I had so many plans of what me and Maddy were going to do during the Christmas season. Out of everything I had planned...we only did 1 of those things and that certainly didn't go like I had planned. I feel as if the devil has just come and ruined everything good about Christmas this year and it's a little disappointing...even more disappointing that I allowed it. I still have high hopes of how I want Christmas morning to go, but I'm learning to not have any expectations that way you aren't as disappointed. This year for Christmas, my sister and her 2 girls will be spending the night Christmas Eve night so come Christmas morning we will have 3 girls ready to see what Santa brought them. I'm so excited for Maddy's Christmas this year...i think i'm really excited because she's at the age where she can enjoy things. I find myself still saying oh Maddy needs that and oh she would love that, but I need to be a good steward with my money as well as not spoil her just yet lol. Tomorrow we will be finishing up our Christmas shopping and then once she goes to bed tomorrow night I will be cleaning my room up like a mad dog cause my 2 nieces are probably going to be sleeping in my room and it's just a huge mess right now. I should be cleaning it right now, but it's an overwhelming task and I just don't even know where to put anything. I am so thankful to have a mom who is willing to take me back into her home while I can't afford my own place right now, but because I did have my own place for 2 years I have a lot of stuff that just doesn't fit all into one room. Well, if I'm going to get up at 6 tomorrow morning I guess I should try to get some sleep now.

Thanksgiving 2010

Maddy had her first real Thanksgiving meal this year and enjoyed every minute of it. My child eats round the clock...literally, but doesn't gain hardly anything. I'd give anything to have metabolism that high lol. I was disappointed because I did not get out in time to get her any Thanksgiving outfits so I had to do the best with what we already had. I decided to go with a brown dress. Our Thanksgiving started off at my grandparent's house. I think my family thought I was nuts, but I did strip Maddy down to just her diaper. I knew we had other places to be and I didn't want to get her "Thanksgiving" outfit dirty. She had turkey, ham, mac and cheese, a roll, green beans, corn, dressing, mashed potatoes, and a deviled egg. She pretty much ate her entire plate minus the mac and cheese and roll. Once I put her food on her high chair she went to town and was so super quiet. She is very serious about her food but she does occasionally look around at what is going on around her while she is chewing. Once we were done eating I put her clothes back on and let her walk around. Her cousins were there one of which she's only seen once. Aria is just now able to get out more because she had a very expensive RSV shot..it costs $1800 but with everything she has been through when she was born...they have to be extra careful with her and germs. Maddy would just look at Aria. Her other cousins Sara and Abby were there and Maddy enjoyed seeing them as well. Maddy really does have a big heart and she loves kids...I think it will be interesting to see if she grows up loving kids or if it's just a "hey you're my size" kinda thing. My love for kids developed at a somewhat young age, but mine was because my dad was verbally abusive and I wanted to see to it that no kid ever felt the way he made me feel. Once we left my grandmother's, we went to Maddy's dad's grandmother's house. Maddy doesn't know them very well, so she was a little more reserved and quiet. She wanted to stay close to mommy and daddy, but would watch to see what everybody was doing. Her cousin Tripp was a little on the wild side...I think they are cousins...they are something lol...he was a little more rough which made me a little nervous but luckily Maddy didn't get hurt. After Maddy walked around and played a little bit over there she was ready for her dinner. Her dad gave her some turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce, but she only wanted to eat the cranberry sauce...when she'd eat it all off her highchair she would say "more more" and do the sign for more. It's so cute..her daycare helps teach them sign language so they can communicate better and she picked up on "more" really quick and it's just so neat to see her do that..sometimes she doesn't even say it and will just do the sign, but she normally says it first THEN does the sign. After she ate we packed up and headed home. I'm gonna steal Wendy's idea and post a pic of last Thanksgiving and then one of this Thanksgiving. It's so crazy to think about how different things were this year verses last year. Last year she was only 2 months old and I did Thanksgiving on my own...single mom type thing...and went to my family's and then let her dad see her after we were both done with our family.

                                                           Thanksgiving 2009

                                                                Thanksgiving 2010

                                                                         Cousins

Tornado

My sadness continues over this week. I want to clarify that I am not depressed or anything like that...I just keep having a chain of events that is hard to deal with. I have been so strong today and kept my emotions back and kept on going like nothing was wrong, but on the inside..I wanted to burst into tears, my heart was beating so fast, I had butterflies in my stomach, and I have literally felt sick all day. I've had problems with my appetite lately...I go all day feeling full even though I didn't eat anything. Today's matters definately did not help that situation at all. I really would love to just tell all because that would help me feel a little better, but there are some people who I do not want to see what I write so instead of being paranoid all the time, I choose to keep it to myself and maybe write in my personal journal every thing I am wanting to say. Sometimes I take a look back at my life and wonder what the heck I was thinking in certain situations. I know what I am going through is my fault and I know God is here for me with open arms and no matter how much I may mess up, I know He will always help me find my way. I've watched the movie Facing The Giants a few times this month and everytime I just want to give up and throw in the towel...I make sure to say I will still love you Lord. I don't just say it to say it...I mean what I say. I also know that there is nothing impossible for the Lord. I just have to do my best and the Lord will take care of the rest. I look forward to the day when the skies open up and that trumpet sounds and Jesus is there to take us home. Well, I will quit my whinging now lol. 

I'm An Emotional Girl!

Today has been a little rough on me. It has nothing to do with Maddy or anything like that, it has everything to do with my emotions. Sometimes I wish emotions didn't exist, but then what kind of life would that be. I want to keep all the good emotions and do away with the not so good ones. Life certainly has its ups and downs. One thing I have learned in my life is that even though sometimes you feel all alone while you are down in life, you are never alone...God is always right there with open arms. I'm so thankful that I have a God that is always right there waiting for me to turn to Him no matter how long it takes. I say all this because I am a confused person right now. I know what I want in my life, but it doesn't really seem to be heading there. If anything, it seems to be going the opposite direction. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for His guidance and I am just so confused. I know that since things are kind of going in the opposite direction that is a very clear sign that that's how things should be. Well, I told God a few weeks ago that I choose Him and that I will still love Him even when things don't go my way. My question is...when will the hurt go away? When will my feelings go away and align more with where God has placed me right now? I feel that I am being pulled in different directions by different people and sometimes I just want to scream STOP!! I am also so scared of making the wrong decision that I think that plays a big part in my confusion. Life is hard...with the help of God I always find the light at the end of the tunnels, I just don't always like the journey and my friend...I am definately on a journey right now.

On another note..Maddy's school had football friday today. All the teachers and kids dressed up in their favorite teams color. They went all out and had balloons and decorations and everything. I am so very happy that her daycare gets involved and does more than just the normal everyday stuff. Maddy looked so cute as always!! I'm not going to post pics because most of the people that might read this are already on my facebook. Tonight for dinner she had pasta shells and cheese and she is all about feeding herself so I always put her in her highchair and let her go for it. I didn't anticipate her getting as dirty as she did lol. She started out ok because she was just picking up the pasta and eating it. Oh, before I go on I must say that she was given a plate so I just chose to put her food on there. As I put the pasta on there...there ended up being quite a bit of extra cheese that had accumulated on the plate. Once she was done she took the whole plate and starting licking the cheese off the plate. Being just 1 years old, she doesn't have the best use of her hands yet so the cheese ended up going all in her hair and all over her face. She was wanting more but there wasn't any so i just put all the extra cheese on her plate and she would take gobs of cheese in her hand and shove it in her mouth. It was very entertaining lol. As I was starting to clean up the mess I asked her who the best mom in the world was for letting her make such a mess and as soon as I got done she looked up and said, "MAMA!!" Me and my mom just laughed. It was great! We pretty much headed straight for the tub afterwards and then she went to bed. Maddy has been the biggest blessing in my life. I can't even describe what a blessing she has been. I will say that she gave me a much better understanding of how God views us. I used to fear Him in the wrong way and I was almost scared of Him and thought that he just was always angry with me because I do sin every single day and I just felt so unworthy. Once I became pregnant I was thinking of loving Maddy and it just clicked. God isn't just always angry with me and He does see me as worthy, which is why He died on the cross...for me!! I understood that just as a parent has to discipline a child when they do wrong...God does the same thing with me. He doesn't do it cause He's mad at me or hates me..He does it to teach me and correct me and He also does it out of love. That day was very eye opening for me and I just cried and thanked the Lord for showing that to me cause I really needed that. Well, I'm way past my bedtime and I'm really hoping I will be able to lay down and go to sleep, but I kinda doubt it...my mind is still going 90 miles a minute but if I can't...then I'll just pray and pray and pray. Hope you all have a good night!

Thoughts and Reflections

Well, I have returned...I think. I need to start doing this more often...for my own benefit at least. As you can see Maddy is walking now...so much has changed since I last wrote. She started walking at 11 months. She took her first real steps on my step dad's birthday, August 31 and by September 2 she was toddlin around hehe. She's finally in her crib all the time now. It only took going through 3 swings to get there. She's got 4 bottom teeth and at least 5 top teeth. We celebrated her first birthday. Her actual birthday is September 23 and we had a mini celebration that day and then her party was on September 25 and she was a hoot! I'll post a few pics of her party down below...

 This was at Chick-Fil-A on her birthday...she had her first kids meal and as you can see was so very happy

 For her cake she had a cupcake from Gigi's...they are pretty good, but not really worth the price

As you can see things got very messy and all in all it was a great day! It is so hard to believe it has already been a year. It seems like just yesterday I was bouncing her on an exercise ball because that's the only way she could fall asleep due to her tummy hurting. She is THE best thing that has happened to me and I just can't imagine life without her!

Not much has changed with me. I did get somewhat of a promotion at work. I'll still be processing claims, however, I'll be dealing with transplants and I haven't heard anything, but I'm hoping it comes with a pay raise. My new title will be claims processor sr. associate. It's been hard for me to meet production this month and I am ready for a change and hopefully I will get my stats back up where they need to be and I won't be worried about losing my job all the time. Well...I guess that's all I have to say for now. I'd really like to make this a part of my routine cause it feels good to get all my feelings out...not that I did that tonight lol. I hope everybody had a good day and gets good sleep tonight...I'm so ready to hit the pillow :)

Singleness

When I thought about having kids, I never thought of me being a single mom. I always pictured being with a man who loved me very much as well as God and together we would raise our child. Obviously that is not my life today and yes I realize it is my own fault. As I was rocking Maddy tonight I was thinking about my life as a single mom. For a long time I didn't feel I could openly talk about being a single mom for fear that it might offend some people...especially family. As I was thinking I realized that just because I do get help here and there doesn't mean that I'm not a single mom. I don't have the luxury of saying here honey I'm really exhausted and need a nap so can you watch Maddy for me...or hey honey I'd like to work out so could you take Maddy...or I just need a little break. My mom helped out a good bit when Maddy was first born. She helped me in the hospital...I was not intending on being in that much pain after delivery but oh man it was horrible! Once we got home she took Maddy for her 4 a.m. feeding and let me sleep in a little later...I was so grateful for that too because Maddy was up every 2 hours on the dot. As she got to be a few weeks it would take her almost an hour to go back to bed cause her tummy hurt so bad and then once I could lay her down I would only get an hour sleep before it was time to do it all over again. In order to prevent daycare costs as well as a way for me to be around my baby all the time my mom took Maddy during the day while I was working. There is no way I could have not been around my baby when she was 7 weeks old. Today I am pretty much doing everything on my own now. My mom watches Maddy here and there for very short periods of time...whether it be so I can let my dog Manny out or if I need to pack Maddy's diaper bag, or if I need to use the bathroom haha...Just to clarify I'm not saying she should help out more...I'm just saying for the most part I can do it on my own. There are several times though I wish I could say hey, I need a break can you watch her for me? I have been working so hard on trying to get a place of my own so me and Maddy can be a more normal family, but it's just not possible right now and now I have a big fear of losing my job cause to them I'm just a number and right now I'm not meeting production and I really don't think I'm meeting quality. It is really rough being a single mom but at the end of the day it is worth every amount of effort I put in it. Sometimes I feel like i have to be superwoman and do everything, but I keep having to remind myself that I can only do so much as one person and just because someone else may can do more than me doesn't mean they are a better mom because of it. God has sure done a lot of providing and I could not have made it this far without Him. Well, I do believe I have rambled enough now...I better get some sleep before Maddy wakes up and I get no sleep.

Vacation Continued

Had another great day. I had decided today was gonna be another chilled, laid back kinda day. Started out this morning with an hour walk while Maddy took her morning nap. Then we played in the house. I've been dealing with a sore throat that's been making me feel kinda blah and that made me feel bad this morning but once she went down for another nap I was able to take a nap myself and I felt better when I woke up. We went to wally world to get her formula and food for the week, plus a new cd for nighttime. She seemed to have a good time...she just looked at me and would smile and talked a little and even started laughing some. We went back home to play some more and for her last nap of the day we walked for another hour with her Nana. She got to try chicken for the first time today, but she's not the biggest fan of it. We brought in all 8 puppies tonight and they are just soooo cute!!! Maddy didn't quite know what to think of them all cause they were all crying when they came up. After Maddy finished up her fruit I gave her a bath and then put her to bed. I know it probably sounds boring, but it's been nice to not have to do anything at any particular time. The rest of the week I have something planned each day and some days will be quite busy...maybe even too busy lol but all in all I am making memories with my daughter that I will forever cherish!
I'm really not sure how tonight is gonna go because we've run into a few problems at bedtime. She went a whole week of sleeping in her crib just fine...even if she woke up during the night I could give her her passy and back to sleep she'd go. I ran into problems with that when her teeth really started bothering her and that first night I put her in her swing cause getting up every 30 minutes gets really tiring haha, but I'm beginning to think I shoulda just stuck it out because she will not sleep in her crib now. I can get her in and she'll sleep anywhere from 15 minutes to 3 hours in there but she will not go back to sleep if she wakes up, so I transfer her to her swing. Well, she's now learned a new trick so to speak...she has learned how to sit up from a laying position while in her swing, which obviously keeps her awake. The past 2 nights I've just left her like that and she did drift off to sleep, but not tonight. I actually had to put her over the shoulder harness on her tonight because I went in there and she was all slouched over which kinda scared me...now she can't sit up, but she sure does try. She's already woken up 3 times and she's only been in bed bout 20 minutes maybe. Tomorrow we are going to the mall and Old Navy and probably a few other places. I cannot wait for Wednesday though cause we are going on a road trip to Gatlinburg...we may be going to the Knoxville zoo but definately to the Osh Kosh outlet and maybe Cade's Cove and who knows what else...it will be a blast! Well, that's about all I have to say and I do believe she may have finally drifted off to dreamland, so I'm gonna lay back and watch some Nancy Grace and then try to get some sleep cause morning comes early haha