Random updates

I want to start this out by saying WOOHOO!!! I have finished my first two classes of school and feel more relieved than I expected.  After going through those first two classes I realized I needed to get a better plan together if I wanted to successfully graduate.  I have planned out my days and know exactly what I need to do on each day give or take some.  I have completed all but 1 thing on my list today, but I am ok with that. Today was a short breather for me because I somehow managed to get most of my work time done before my Maddy responsibilities kicked in.  After she went to bed I got started on my new classes and am just so proud of myself for staying on task.

I found myself thinking a lot about Maddy's birthday today.  I am so excited because we will be boarding a cruise ship in Miami ON her actual birthday.  I said just last year that I would love to take her on a cruise on her birthday and low and behold that wish came true lol. Most people make a really big deal for the first birthday.  I want to make a super big deal about each of Maddy's birthday's so I am in search of THE birthday outfit.  I want her to have a birthday dress for opening presents and then another casual birthday outfit for the cake. I was able to find some dresses I liked, but everything I liked was $70.  Don't get me wrong, Maddy is totally worth $70 and more but it is out of my price range for the moment.  The dress above is one I am contemplating using.  It runs around $35 and is kinda cute...not really what I had in mind but we'll see.

This is the dress I am talking about.  Since she is turning two there would be two candles on the cupcake and then under it would be her name.  I envision her wearing this with her pigtails and that beautiful smile.  I will post other pics I found too.  I'm not sure how to make the pics all the same size without saving them and tweaking them through an image editor...I do not have that kind of time so I will do my best to make them proportionate lol.

That's about all I can find.  I'm not sure exactly what I am looking for...guess I will figure that out later.  Because we are cruising on her birthday I plan to have her birthday the weekend before.  I'm starting to think about themes.  Originally I was going to do a princess theme, but she is so enthralled with dogs that I'm almost thinking of having some kind of dog theme.  How do you make a dog theme cute for a girl? I haven't figured that one out yet lol.  I'm hoping next year she will be able to help me figure out what her theme will be.  Speaking of Maddy, she is starting to watch more and more tv.  Sunday I think she sat for a whole three minutes...maybe even five in my lap watching the wiggles.  She loves to see wags the dog.  She would point and had a smile plastered on her face. When the camera would show wags again she'd just scream, "DOGGIE!!!" to the top of her lungs...not really the top but really loud lol. I got tickled at her because she thought the show was funny.  I think she is going through her last "mommy" stage and it is breaking my heart.  I got the semi-privilege of taking her to school today. She had an extremely hard time letting me go. Her class was outside playing so I thought that would help her out because she lives to play outside, but as soon as I tried to put her down she clung with all her might to me. I think she likes me taking her to school because I don't get to very often. I wonder if since I pick her up from school she associates me with "rescuing" her from school to go home. I figured she was just happy for me to spend time with her this morning and didn't want it to end. My mom picked her up from school today-she usually takes her to school for me because she goes in town everyday for her job and we live 45 minutes from the daycare, so i struggle getting my time in when i take and pick her up from daycare-and once Maddy woke completely up we played and had dinner and had a good time.  I let her stay up a little later because I did not have to rush to work or rush to get a school assignment done so it was a lot more relaxed.  Around 7:50 I decided she needed to go on to bed so we began our bedtime routine. Here lately that consists of either running away when she sees the bottle, or deciding she wants to eat bite bites, or just simply says, "no." Tonight she resorted to deciding she wanted to play on top of saying no. She is the type of person that wants people right there with her all the time and she includes everybody. So I decided to take her bottle on to her room in hopes she would eventually follow me. My plan worked and she came in and closed her door. She resisted in me picking her up to rock her but she gave in when i offered to sing with her. She drank her bottle as usual and I sang, which is usual but she wanted me to keep on and keep on. I sang for a while and then decided she was looking really sleepy and didn't want her falling asleep in my arms so I told her I'd sing one more time then it was night night. I did exactly what I said and she just started boohooing. She normally just lays right on down and goes to sleep but tonight she sat all the way up with her arms up towards me crying for me to pick her up. I felt so bad because she had real tears and I knew she really did want me to stay. I knew if I did stay she would keep herself awake so I told her I loved her and to sleep good and night night and walked out. She did stop crying, but it broke my heart. "Mommy" stages can be difficult at times, but I am going to enjoy this one because it may be the last time.

Mean and Alive

I have always loved this song...I love the way the music sounds and of coarse taylor always has some sort of relatable lyrics. I've always envisioned this song in a relationship kind of way, but I have realized it sparks an emotion from me that I had never really realized or thought about. As I listen to this song I quickly realize that I picture my dad. I have a lot of ill feelings towards my dad. I was never good enough for him and I always felt stupid. To this day I struggle greatly with feeling inferior to people and I have a huge fear of looking stupid. There was only one thing my dad never could say anything about...anything negative that is, and I think I subconsciously held on to that and made that a priority to maintain. There are things I know, such as in the Lord's eyes I am beautiful just the way I am, but how to apply that to my life I have no idea. It's like my head knows these things, but I guess it doesn't really know what to do with it lol. I do not like a lot of things from my childhood, but a lot of these things have really just made me a stronger person and has helped me be who I am. It has definitely been in the back of my mind as I raise Maddy. I do not allow words such as stupid or dumb or any other derogatory(sp?) words around her. If someone wants to say stupid, they should say "silly" I know Maddy will hear these words at one time or other but she is too young for all that negativity. I worry a lot of times over her self esteem. I want her to have positive self esteem regardless as to what other people may tell her. I think she will struggle with her esteem some as every teenager does, but I do see her being ok with herself.

This is the last video I will post in this one lol. I was actually at this concert and had no idea this was being filmed. This music video is from when they were in Chattanooga back in December 2009. I am posting this because I have really been missing my friend I have talked about, the one that decided we could no longer be friends. I have had him on my mind here and there and wonder how he's doing. Today someone from work asked me about him and I just felt like saying really? you really had to ask ME this?! He was a really good friend and was often my support system. We really seemed to bond and it breaks my heart that we are no longer friends. There was a group of us from work that would hang out from time to time outside of work and one thing we did that I absolutely loved was rockband night. This is where I realized I was decent on drums lol. We had so many laughs, primarily because one of our other friends is just a nut and attempted to sing songs and it was just hilarious. Our first rockband get together was when I was pregnant with Maddy. I think it was either June or July before she was due. I felt a little awkward because I was pregnant and I was pregnant out of wedlock, but I ended up having a really good time. We had one more rockband night before we were no longer friends and that was my birthday last year. Maddy was 6 months old and was just learning to attempt to crawl. I got to play a couple of songs but the rest of the time I had to watch because Maddy kept getting stuck in a laying down position or she was hungry or just wanted to be held. I tried to drum with her on my lap but she would grab the sticks and I got scared she would get hurt so I decided to just watch. I cannot wait till Maddy can play rockband with me because I think we will have a ball. Once I had Maddy my entire life changed. Friends I was friends with were no longer really friends because they had no clue what I was going through. Even my best friend that I am talking about tonight and mine relationship changed somewhat. We were really close still, but I guess I just felt that nobody understood me anymore because I was a mom and nobody in our group was. This isn't why we are no longer friends...it's just me talking lol. I could sure use a good friend like him right now. I think about him a lot and hope he is happy and doing well. I know he is doing somewhat well because he got out of our work lol. That has to make anybody happy hehe. It has been a huge relief to actually get some of my feelings out even though I still have a lot of school to do. I am going to just make myself make time to have some down time here and there because otherwise the stress bottles up and I melt down like I have been lately.

Bye Bye and more...

This post is going to be here there and everywhere lol. I will start off by saying that I've been thinking about my great-grandmother a lot lately. I posted this song because it makes me think of her. I was extremely close to her and miss her a whole lot. If I stop and think about the fact that she has never really met Maddy it would make cry. She got the chance to meet my oldest niece before she passed away and I would be beaming from ear to ear if she had the chance to meet Maddy. I know she would be proud of Maddy and she would be proud watching me raise Maddy and would provide a lot of support and encouragement to me. She always knew what to say when I was having a hard time and I could sure use her encouragement now more than ever. As you all are well aware thanks to the many blogs and facebook posts, I have officially started school. Next week will be the end to my first "semester" of college. I am really stressed because I should have been working on both of my final projects throughout the course, but with being a single mom with no babysitter and my work load at work, that has been nearly impossible. I usually go to bed around 2 or 3 a.m. every day and that's just doing normal class work. I am beyond exhausted and I can't tell you the number of times I almost just quit. I have realized in order to really succeed in college, apart from doing all the hard work, you really need a support system. People who will stand behind you and motivate and encourage you to keep on keepin on. I have realized even further that you really really need that support when you are a single mom trying to do it on your own. I have to be by own support system and it has been extremely rough because there are times I feel I just can't go on. Getting a college degree is a very important goal of mine that I just have to reach. I have always wanted my degree, but I want it even more now because I want to be a good example for Maddy. I have to finish my degree for myself as well...just to say I CAN do it. Wanting to quit the first week or two of school is not really a good sign that I will in fact finish school. As silly as this may seem, I have to constantly remind myself that if the moms on teen mom can be a full time mommy, student, and maintain full time jobs...I can do the same...can't I? The one mom that stands out the most is Kail because she has to be her own support system in essence. I would love to sit down and talk to her and ask her how she does it. I would say for her she just has a strong amount of determination and has realized at an early age that if she wants something she is going to have to fight to get it. I have determination, but I am the type of person that needs motivation here and there from someone other than myself.

I absolutely love this song because I feel this way a lot of times. There are other people in the world who have serious situations going on and I realize this, but what I am going through at this moment in time seems like a mountain to me. There are days I feel so completely alone and that feeling can be overbearing sometimes. I hate not being able to openly discuss my feelings, even on here, because there are times I just need them to be heard instead of just keeping it inside and "dealing" with it. The only thing that is helping me to stay "strong" is Maddy. Maddy is going through a difficult phase right now and throwing a lot of fits. She says "no" to pretty much everything I do and expects to get whatever she wants at that moment. She sticks by people who will give her whatever she wants and nine times out of ten that isn't mommy and that is hard on me. I know this is part of being a mom and I'm ok with that, but it is emotionally hard on me and there have been times I just go to my room and cry over it. Another thing I've been struggling a lot with lately is the fact that I can't support me and Maddy on my own. I give over half my paycheck to her daycare and the less than half of my check is for bills and other necessitites for Maddy. My check doesn't even cover all my bills so I have to pick and choose which bills I am going to pay each month. I don't really see an end in sight as to when me and Maddy can be in our own place. I feel like a bum a lot of times as well as a constant guest. I feel a few other things that I will choose to not say on here. I am very grateful that I have a roof over mine and Maddy's head and food to eat, but at 28 years old I should be able to live in my own place...even if it's rented. I know the Lord will provide that to us when it's the right time. I really feel that He is waiting for me to be completely content with what He has given me thus far. I have made great progress in this area because when I first started out I really really resented my situation and when I say situation it has nothing to do with Maddy and everything to do with my own personal decisions. As you can see I have a lot of sad emotions right now and I know they will disappear soon...soon may be over a year and a half from now(that's when I should graduate school) but I know it will all be ok. I do know everything will work out the way it is supposed to...I have no doubt about that. I also know the Lord is in control and I just have to lean on Him. Like all my other "sad" posts, I'm just having a rough time and need to get it out instead of harboring it. I do believe I will end here, but will post one more song. This is really hard cause there are so many songs I could talk about that have meaning to me. I might do a short "music" post after posting this and then I need to get going on school lol.

Couponing

I want to first start off and say that I was introduced to couponing at least two years before the show Extreme Couponing came out.  My mom found out about couponing a few years ago and was so excited over how much money she was saving that she wanted to get me involved as well.  I knew I needed to learn it, but I just put it off.  I have watched a few episodes of Extreme Couponing and it motivated me to put into action what I already knew.  I am really trying to crack down and watch the amount of money I spend  because being a single mom does not allow much room for extras or for any mess ups financially.  I've decided to start small and work my way up to the big league to where I get $1,000 worth of groceries for free.  My first trip was last week to Rite Aid.  They had many good deals at Rite Aid, but I didn't get my list together in time to enjoy most of the sales.  I purchased Crest toothpaste which normally is $2.99 and used a .75 coupon and then I received $1.60 in rewards back.  The total price I paid for the toothpaste was .22. To seasoned couponers any amount that is not free for toothpaste is not that great because toothpaste and toothbrushes are free a lot of the times.  This week I went to Walgreens and got a toothbrush that was normally $2.99 and paid .99 for it because I got $2 in rewards back.  I'm not finished this week with my savings, but I would like to start talking about the deals I use because money is not free by any means and I think a lot of people try to find ways to stretch out their check.

A mother's love/Vacation Part 2

I know my previous vacation post was super long. To be honest I could have made it even longer than it was and found myself towards the end just trying to get it finished. I have a lot, or had a lot of things to say about Maddy's first trip to the beach. Every time I see or hear of someone going to the beach I find myself just thinking about Maddy at the beach. Before I had Maddy I used to wonder how my mom could give up so much of her time, her money, and everything else she has given up for my sister and me. I find myself able to answer that question a lot easier now that I am a mom. It is amazing the love a mother has for her child. I want to give Maddy many experiences in her life. I hope I can find ways to let her experience things that not even I have experienced before. I don't want to do this to spoil her, but to give her opportunities basically. I don't ever want to stand in the way of her dreams or what she wants to do in this world. I won't be able to give her every opportunity she wants, but I will at least try to give her the tools needed. I have thought a lot about being a mom this week and primarily because I have been totally engrossed in the Casey Anthony trial. I see videos and pictures of little Caylee and wonder how a mom could go about her life as if her daughter never existed. Maddy has become my life and I don't mean that in a bad or unhealthy way. I know it will be sad the day it is time to let Maddy go and honestly I will have to figure out what to do with my time once that day gets here lol, but I will be able to let her go and be her own person and let her find her place in this world. I will however, always be there for her when she comes crawling back home or back to me needing advice as I have done to my mom numerous times. I don't mean for this blog to sound conceited or anything like that, I am just writing down my feelings. Even though Maddy is just in the other room I am missing her terribly right now. As I came to my room tonight I could hear her breathing as I stood in the hall and I just want to snuggle up with her hehe. Maddy is not the type of child to have a parent sleep next to her. She did in Florida, but she did not sleep good. Ok, so I totally went into a new direction on this post. I will talk a little vacation talk now.
Once we got back home from Florida, Maddy just acted as if she had been home the entire time. She didn't run around and scream and laugh like I thought she would. She just walked around and carried on about her day. I had an assignment due the night we got back, but ended up crashing while I tried to finish it. I woke up a couple hours after I fell asleep and just said forget it I will turn it in late. I wanted to stay home for the most part once we got back from Florida because it makes time seem like it is going slower than if I go here there and everywhere. So Wednesday I kinda did that but kinda didn't. Me and Maddy spent the day with my mom. I can't remember exactly how we ended up together but we did and we jumped in her car and went to run errands. Oh yeah, she was home and had some things to do. Well, we ended up jumping on the interstate because Maddy was sleepy but was having trouble getting to sleep so my mom, as she always does, headed south lol. I kept trying to convince her she should just take us back to Florida that we really didn't need money to do so, but she didn't quite believe me. We stopped in calhoun at the exit where OshKosh and Carter's is to, well, I don't know why she pulled off. She got back on the interstate only she went the wrong way, she was headed towards atlanta instead of chattanooga. we got to talking and she forgot to get off on an exit to turn around. We finally stopped talking because we were like 42 miles out of Atlanta and I told her she had no choice but to stop at the next exit. We got turned back around and started the journey home. Maddy pretty much slept the entire time. Once we got close to Rossville she woke up and was hungry so we ate Wendy's. That was our day on Wednesday. Thursday my mom had some work to do so me and Maddy spent some time playing at home. We actually spent all day at home until around 2:00. We jumped in the car and headed towards RiverPark to meet my mom. Maddy is really starting to play more on playground equipment and I think it's neat to watch her grow. She carried her baby around with her everywhere up until she wanted to do something herself lol. She really enjoys the swings. I wonder if it reminds her of when she was a baby and slept in her swing. I doubt it but you never know. Friday was a real busy day. Me and Maddy hit the road to go to babies r us to get a present for a baby shower. I will just add here that I love babies and going to baby showers. Ok, so after Babies R Us we headed to credit union. I originally wanted to set me up an account and then let Maddy have her own account. Unfortunately I didn't think it all the way through and think about the fact that she is a minor and does not have photo ID and I do not carry her birth certificate around, nor do I have an actual copy...just what the hospital gave me so, I set me up an account and she is on my account. I am thinking about setting up another account for me and that way one can be solely for Maddy, but in my name and the other can be for me...not that I ever have any money to keep for savings lol. That took a little while and afterwards we headed to my mom's work so we could all head back down to GA. We went to OshKosh to get Maddy her fourth of july outfit. That is something I will do everywhere. I loved her outfit last year...this year it's cute but not exactly what i was wanting. That is our vacation in a nutshell lol. I loved spending the week with her. She has some pretty severe sinus issues ever since we got back and I think her throat was hurting and her cough sounded so terrible so she wasn't always in the best of moods. I think she had a good time though. She did really well going to school on her first day back. She didn't really cry and went right to her teacher and they said she did really well. Ok, I have taken a long enough break from my school work so I will end this here. Thanks for listening :)

Vacation Part 1 of ?

If you follow me on facebook or twitter, you have probably heard enough talk about my vacation lol. Today has been a real struggle in going back to work. I have missed Maddy so much today and found myself wondering how she was dealing with going back to school. We took a trip to Panama City Beach, FL and stayed at the Holiday Inn Resort. That hotel was perfect for Maddy, and me as well lol. I don't make a ton of money and am barely getting by with my check as it is, but the money for that hotel is so worth it. We only got to stay for a couple of nights, but I'll take what I can get on limited funds. The hotel has a web cam gallery. They have a web cam for the pool area, for the water park area (i will talk about this in a minute), the roof, and the beach. This is what helped us decide where we were going to stay. I have been looking at the beach cam all day today and find myself saying this time last week we were blah blah blah. We left out of Chattanooga around 9 a.m. Sunday morning. This was Maddy's first long road trip as well as her first trip to the beach on this earth. I took her to the beach when I was almost 6 months pregnant with her and boy did i get burned pretty bad lol. Her dad went with us, which I was thankful for because I did not want to travel what should be a 7 hour road trip on my own with a toddler for the first time. I expected Maddy to only tolerate roughly 2 hours because when we go to Gatlinburg by the time we are almost there she is over being in the car. I really think the Lord was helping me out on this one because she last a lot longer than 2 hours. She slept for the first 2 hours I think and when she woke up she fussed a little but once she got food in her belly she just talked away. We sang some songs and laughed and she had her fussy moments, but once it got pretty bad we stopped at a rest area. We ended up stopping in Clanton, AL. She was very unsure of what was going on so she let me carry her in and change her diaper. I feel so bad for her because she freaks out when you put her on the diaper changing station. I think she feels like she is going to fall and has a fear of heights. Once she got changed we got right back in the car and continued our journey. Much to my surprise she didn't fight getting into the car, but that would come later lol. Once we got past Montgomery, I had to make one more gas stop to finish out the trip. We went in and changed Maddy and got her a juice and thought we would just get right back in the car and go. Oh no, this time is the time that Maddy was fighting when we tried to put her in. I don't blame her in the least because it had been an extremely long ride for her. She is real good at listening if you catch her at the right time so you can explain what is going to happen. This time I couldn't really explain much to her, but was able to entice her with her juice. Once she saw her juice I was able to tell her that she had to get in her seat like a big girl and then mommy would give her her juice. It was a success and we were ready to make our final stretch. We were approximately 45 minutes away from the hotel when Maddy got real fussy. I have bragged so much about how well she did in the car and I am just so thankful she did as well as she did. Once we got to the hotel we suited up and hit the beach. It was 6 p.m. and unfortunately there was a cold snap that was moving through so i was so cold due to the wind, but the beach was so soothing. The sun was setting and it was just a really pretty picture.  I thought the ocean would be freezing but it was really warm. Before I go on to tell about Maddy's reaction I want to post a picture of her in the car on the way down.

I will have to add more photos of our luggage and stuff once i get a hold of my mom's memory card, but anyways. I thought Maddy would absolutely love the sand, but much to my surprise she did not. I bought her some water shoes specifically for this trip at Old Navy, they are the most expensive pair of shoes I've bought her but she absolutely loves them and wears them every day now making the price worth it. Once she stepped onto the sand she quickly stopped and just stood there. Actually instead of describing it, I will just post the video.

Her reaction to the sand cracks me up! The next video shows her reaction to the water. I retract my earlier statement. The first night the water was really cold, but Monday morning turned really warm, but as the day went on got really cold again lol. The ocean must be female the way it kept changing it's mind...i know it doesn't have a mind but just go with it.

When we first got to our room, Maddy did not want to leave. We almost didn't make it to the beach that night because she refused to leave. When we asked if she wanted to go outside her response was NO! I think she thought she was going back in the car and was enjoying just being able to run around. Obviously we did convince her to get her bathing suit on and go outside lol. As soon as I turned in my assignments for school sunday night we all were so ready to call it a night. I was worried over how Maddy would get to sleep because this was also her first night away from home. We requested a roll away for her, but she did not want to sleep by herself and I can't blame her. To prevent her from falling we put her in the middle and we slept beside her but on opposite sides. We had a queen size bed so it was not that crowded. Maddy didn't want to lay down and go to sleep and it took her a while before she did. I was the first to konk out so her dad was in charge of getting her to bed. She ended up sleeping on her dad and I must say I really enjoyed waking up right next to her. I woke up around 5 something and kept dosing off and on. Maddy was having a hard time staying awake as well and would roll between me and her dad. Around 7 I decided to just wake her up and get ready to hit the beach. Monday was a beautiful day in FL. It started out cold but warmed up.

 This was Sunday night and her face is her reaction to seeing the water for the first time

 This was Monday and this is our view from our room. We were on the 6th floor

 The water was so gorgeous! God has amazing creativity!

This was the sun setting Sunday night...it was so pretty!

We first went to the pool deck on Monday morning and checked out Aqualand. It is a mini waterpark type playground for small kids. The water was perfect height for Maddy and any other smaller children. The water felt like ice water so we didn't go all the way in and slide, but we did try to get Maddy in. After half a day she decided to get in with her dad. I will post some video and pics of aqualand now :)

Now that I have lost your interest due to all the pics and videos we will move on to the rest of the day. We spent most of our time walking around the pool deck back and forth. I think people started to wonder what we were doing cause we were constantly back and forth. I was ok with this because my attention span isn't that long and I enjoy pacing around and unfortunately for Maddy I have taught her to do the same. Maddy was able to meet the hotel mascot which was Splash the dolphin. The rest of the blog I will just let pics and video speak for themselves. We ate dinner at a place called Scampy's...if you are tight on money but want to enjoy good seafood, this is the place to go. Poor Maddy didn't get a nap all day and unfortunately a 5 mile drive wasn't quite long enough so our dinner was quite rushed and unenjoyable cause she was screaming and crying. I was able to capture one pic on my phone of her eating, but can't upload it on here tonight. At night they put on a polynesian fire show where they have hula dancers and get lots of audience participation and at the very end they do a fireshow. It was very neat to see and we enjoyed watching from our own balcony where Maddy could easily walk around without us missing too much of the show. All in all it was a great trip and we are planning to take her on a cruise for her 2nd birthday as long as we have the funds to do so. I hope you enjoy the pics and video even though they are probably overwhelming lol. Before I finish posting pics and video I have to add that Maddy was such a good little mommy on this vacation. Baby went everywhere with her..the beach, the pool, aqualand...she took good care of her baby, which made me a proud mommy lol.

Ramona and Beezus

                                                                        

I must say this movie was a really cute movie. I have wanted to see this since the day it came out in theaters. I used to read these books as a little girl and would still read them to this day lol. I finally got to watch this movie today and now want to share my thoughts. I began to question whether this movie would really be as good as it looked in the beginning. By the end I was like this is a great movie! I can't say enough how I love the fact that it is rated G and is a family friendly film. I will not talk about what happened in the movie for people who want to watch it. I will say this movie shed some light on me in ways I never expected. It made me think about my niece's and how their life is and what is ahead of them. It pointed out that I needed to make myself available to them to come and talk to if they ever need or want to. I used to spend time with them all the time and then it just stopped. It's hard to manage three kids when you aren't used to it, but that is just an excuse really. This movie really goes hand in hand with what I really want to do in life as far as kids go. It shows that kids really do just want to be loved and accepted for who they are. It shows kids that it's ok if you are different from other kids and that is something that needs to be shown. We are unique individuals and just because someone looks different from the majority of people, doesn't mean we should make fun of or criticize them. We should embrace them and accept them. I will say this movie made me cry, which I never would have expected but all in all a great film. I can't wait for Maddy to get a little older so we can watch this movie together :)