Surrender

Music helps me express myself. I was going through my iTunes yesterday looking for songs that would be appropriate for my life right now. Little humor added here...I titled the playlist breakup tunes. Ok so as I was searching for songs that would help me express my feelings I found this song by Barlowgirl called Surrender. The song starts out with this: "My hands hold safely to my dreams, clutching tightly not one has fallen, so many years I've shaped each one, reflecting my heart, showing who I am, now you're asking me to show, what I'm holding oh so tightly, can't open my hands can't let go." I feel like this song is me in a nutshell at this point in my life. I think losing Maddy's dad still seems so surreal to me. I know it happened, but I still find myself hoping everytime my phone goes off that it's him. Once I realized that it will never be him unless it is something he wants with Maddy, the tears start pouring all over again. Today as I was trying to focus on work all of a sudden I got this urge to text him to say I love you and I grabbed my phone then I quickly realized what I was doing and quickly put my phone back down. I feel so lost right now. As I said in my blog last night everything in my life always included him. With him out of my life it's almost as if I don't quite know what to do. My plans were for us to get married and raise our daughter together...to be a family. Those are the things that I was holding on so tightly to. As I said last night, I know God has a plan for me. Even though I feel so lost I know God knows exactly where I am going. I do feel as if I'm right where the Lord wants me, but it doesn't mean I'm happy about it right this minute. I am hurting so badly right now and I find myself getting so angry at my ownself for even allowing him back into my life after we had been apart for 8 months. I know as time goes on I will look back on this and see that my being sad didn't really last all that long and I'm really hoping that as time goes on I will see that my life is much much better than it would have been had we stayed together. I know I am just rambling and it's not very enjoyable to read two posts that are very similar in topic, but I have to get rid of this pain somehow. How does one get through the days when there is so much pain involved? God is here yes, but that doesn't mean He's going to take the pain away from me. Sometimes it seems so overwhelming and I feel as if I will feel this way forever. I have to find my way in life again and soon. I think going back to school will help me with this. I think the other thing that will help is to keep my eyes focused on the Lord and just take it one step at a time. I have pretty much gone here there and everywhere in this post...as I often say..welcome to my head lol. The whole point in this blog though was because this song has really stood out to me in my current situation. I wasn't ready to let him go...I never wanted to let him go, but God had other plans and I am trying my best to carry on with my life, but I am struggling greatly. I will surrender my entire life to the Lord's will for me. "I will still love you Lord!"

A Rollercoaster Of New Beginnings

This blog is going to be a really hard one for me to write. I have worked so hard to suppress/suck up my real feelings in order to get through and now I am going to talk about it all, which is going to unhash those feelings I've worked so hard to keep to myself. Today my life changed semi-unexpectedly. Me and Maddy's dad have been off and on for a total of two years...this august would have been 3. The longest we have been apart was 8 months and we decided to try to make it work once more I would say the week of Maddy's first birthday. We didn't really tell people we were together because we were always off and on...the only people that really knew were my mom and step dad. We were doing pretty good up until recently. I won't really go into specifics but it boiled down to him deciding for me that I would be better off with someone else. I instantly saw my whole future just go down the drain. Everything I have been working towards has always included him in the picture. We were working on getting to a place where we could get married and that's exactly what I was expecting...I was expecting our family to truly be a family. I felt secure in the fact that I had my partner to help me with Maddy as every mom needs some "mom" time. He comes to visit her every Sunday so I used that time for my mom time which included doing her laundry lol. Now I am left with no support. He was the person I'd go to when Maddy did something neat or cute or if she was pitching a fit that night I'd tell him about it. I'm sure I can still tell him things Maddy does as she is his daughter too, but it's just not the same. So as I was listening or rather sitting in silence I sat there in a daze. In a way I felt like I was dreaming. I want to say I felt numb, but that's not entirely true cause all I felt like doing is completely shutting down and crying my eyes out. I thought about the plans we had made for the spring/summer such as camping and eventually finding a way to get to the beach. Never did I really think I'd go through life without him around. I feel as if I have been kicked to the curb with nothing but the clothes on my back. When I stress out about my job or even worse if I do get fired I don't have that support that says it's ok..we will get through this. I have gone through the day being ok one minute and then have a river of tears the next. The fact of the matter is I know that God has a plan for me...He has since before I was even born. Unfortunately I just don't think His plan includes Maddy's dad. I know there is a possibility that He does have somebody out there for me who will love me and Maddy more than I could ever imagine. I also know that there is a big chance that His plan includes me being single for the rest of my life. I am ok being single. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I wish I wasn't, but I can be content with singleness. Actually, right before I met Maddy's dad I had been having a hard time getting over a break up that happened a year before. I was at church and I just was able to completely give my whole life, including my love life, over to the Lord. That was in May and then in August I met Maddy's dad. I wasn't looking and it did just seem to come to me, so I just knew we would end up together forever. Even though I am in a lot of emotional pain right now from losing her dad, in the midst of it all I feel a sense of peace. I really feel God is right here with me and has been preparing me for a few days. My valentine's gift from my mom was a daily calender that has inspirational quotes about the hard times in life. As soon as I saw what it was my first thought was oh great, I'm about to go through something that this is going to come in handy. I actually expected to get fired that day and who knows..that day is probably coming sooner rather than later as I am still not meeting production. I received a card on valentine's that said, "You are loved" and then I received a letter in the mail on valentine's that said the exact same thing, "You are loved." I didn't think too much about those then, but today I sure did. Soon after we broke up today I received a text message from a friend that said love you buddy. I instantly knew God was going to get me through this tough time. He's not going to take the pain away...that's something that in time will heal. I have to allow myself to cry it out when I feel the need and it's an appropriate time as I will not cry in front of Maddy...or anybody else for that matter. I wait till it's bedtime or when I'm by myself to let my feelings come out. In the midst of this trying to figure out where my new life was heading, I talked to my enrollment advisor to get my application turned in at the University Of Phoenix. I was starting to think maybe I shouldn't do the school thing because I had planned on enlisting Maddy's dad's help if I needed it in order to get my work/studying done but I decided to go through with it because I do want this so bad but also I think it will be a great distraction for me. I don't really need to be alone nor do I need time to just be able to sit and dwell on what has just happened because I would never break out of my sadness. Going back to school is going to be a lot harder than I had originally imagined it would be because I will have to use the times I ask my mom for help very wisely. Even though she has offered to help, I don't feel real comfortable asking for her help because I know she has her own life to deal with without having to be available to help me keep my life going. I ask that if you are reading this you will please pray for me as well as Maddy. It scares me to think of the questions she may ask about her dad as she gets older. I have seen a facebook post where the child asked their mom why nobody loved her (mom) enough to marry her. I don't think Maddy would ask me that question, but I do wonder what questions she will ask about her dad and me. I wonder if I will be strong enough to be able to answer her without crying. I wonder a lot of things actually. One of my friends who actually inspired me to get back into blogging has started a prayer blog. I am going to include a button you can click on that will take you right to that blog and you can see what prayer requests are out there as well as let her know of any prayer needs you may have yourself. I have already reached out to her to add my situation to her prayer blog as this is an extremly rough journey for me and I'm doing my best to hold it together. As I said goodbye to one piece of my life, I said hello to a new piece. Here is the button to the prayer blog. I will post it on the side as well:

My Valentine

For Valentine's day me and Maddy pretty much just hung out. As you all know I made her heart donuts, but she wasn't too interested in eating it this morning. I didn't think she would as her eating habits are changing just a little. I do think her teeth are hurting her pretty bad and that is causing the appetite change. I dressed her in her valentine shirt that says, "Sweet Little Valentine." Maddy didn't have a normal dinner tonight. I want to say that I have never done this as I am all about making healthy food choices for her within reason, but tonight she got to eat whatever she wanted. She wasn't real hungry and mostly ate a bunch of junk. She had a chocolate cupcake, a few m&m's, a little corn, a bite of a mini oreo, but the thing she loved the most was gummy worms. I think they felt good on her teeth..kinda like a teether, but with flavor so she wanted to keep eating those. I also got her a teddy bear that sings "Cutie Pie Honey Bunch" I wanted to get this dog that sang and moved, but it was $10 and I just didn't think it was worth the money so i went with the less expensive thing, but this gift had more meaning to me. When my oldest niece Sara was little, I used to change up songs...not like a full parody, but just a word here or a word there. One of the songs I used to sing was "Cutie Pie Honey Bunch" and when it says, "I can't help myself, I love you and nobody else" I change the you with her name. It ended up being "I can't help myself, I love Sara and nobody else" She used to think it was so funny and really in truly I think it made her feel special. So I did the same thing tonight with Maddy although she's not at the age to where she understands that mommy isn't singing all the right words, but she still smiled when it played. After going through all the yummy goodies we danced a little to her teddy bear and then just explored the house. We had the house to ourselves tonight because my mom and step dad went and did their own valentine celebration. I have pictures, but don't have my camera nearby so I will have to post them later. I will admit that I had a few moments where I felt a little sad because even though I'm not the biggest fan of this day, it would still feel nice to be taken out to a nice dinner and treated a little more special than just any other day. After thinking in fantasy land for like 30 seconds or so I quickly snapped out and tried to make the most out of it. I'm disappointed in myself though for not doing more festive things with Maddy. I at least did better this year than I did last year. Last year I just got her a small stuffed animal the day before and put a bib on her and that was that. I know she won't remember today, but I still would have liked to have done more valentiny stuff with her. I am very curious as to what everybody else did for today or maybe you celebrated over the weekend. I'm sure a ton of people have gotten engaged today...in fact I already saw one person on facebook that got engaged tonight. I think that's sweet, but I think I still prefer to be engaged on Christmas Eve. If you're single, how did you get through this "single awareness" day as I have heard several people call it? My throat is starting to get sore and I am starting to feel a little blah so I think now is a good time to say goodnight. Happy Heart Day everybody!

First

So tonight I did something for the first time as sad as it is going to sound. I actually "baked" something. I have cooked before, but never baked. Luckily for me what I wanted to do was super easy. I'm not a typical woman in the fact that I just love to cook, but I do have a very odd fascination with cookbooks lol. I actually don't mind cooking at all, it's just the cleaning afterwards that I hate so much. So anyways, my mom does a lot of baking...mostly cakes. She makes all the cakes in our family and does a wonderful job. My favorite bakery around town is Federal Bake Shop over in Hixson and she has pretty much perfected her recipie to taste like theirs. Anyways, since she makes a lot of cakes throughout the year she is always finding cute things she can make things with. Apparently I have instilled in my oldest cousin to like hearts like me...I don't really know why she has chosen heart cakes these past couple of years but I like to say it's because of me lol. My mom found this awesome heart doughnut pan from the Sugar Shoppe, located on East Brainerd Road. I've been racking my brain trying to come up with fun things me and Maddy can do to celebrate Valentine's day. I am a very festive person so even if I'm not real big on the holiday, I still like to do celebrate. I got the idea to make Maddy Valentine doughnuts for breakfast. All you do is mix a few ingredients together, mix them in a mixer and spoon them into the pan. They only take about 5 minutes to bake. If you like cake doughnuts I highly recommend you try these. It gives you the recipie and even includes a glaze recipie. The pan is by Wilton's and it is $9.99 I do believe. I will post a few pictures of the plain and semi-decorated ones.

Having Fun On a Sun-day

I have felt like celebrating a good bit of the day today. Before I had Maddy I was a regular church goer. I looked forward to going and was very eager to learn more about God. After I had Maddy, I pretty much quit going. In the beginning it was because she wasn't supposed to be out in public for the first 6 weeks. Being a first time mom I wanted to stick to all the rules for fear of her getting sick. I did take her out every now and then, but not a very often. Her 6 weeks came and went, but my sleep was still far far away. It's definitly not a good excuse to not go, but it just fell into a habit of not going. I tried taking her once she was anywhere between 4 and 6 months. That time didn't work out at all...she screamed the entire time due to her having some major belly problems. I remember freaking out because no matter what I did she couldn't get comfortable and just cried nonstop. I had so many people make comments and whereas some probably were just trying to make me feel better, I felt like I was under a microscope. After that day I decided church just wasn't an option until Maddy got older. I know it seems so simple to say why not just stick her in the nursery. I didn't feel comfortable doing that because I didn't know the workers. At this point she wasn't even in daycare so I had never had to seperate from her. Once she was around 7 months I decided to try church again. This time she had no belly problems, but she decided she wanted to talk and it was always once it got super quiet and I ended up getting a few looks. The only way I could go to church was to keep her outside in the hall, but that was pointless because for some reason they didn't keep the speaker on out there so I could still hear the message. I wanted to go last week and put her in children's church/nursery, but I left it open and I ended up not getting up and enjoyed sleeping in till 8:30. I was so disappointed with myself too because before she was ever born I had it set in my mind that she would grow up in church and that was not happening at all. So all week this week I had it in my mind that there is no sleeping in and we were going to church no matter what. I had to tell myself all week, and come Saturday I set my alarm for 6:30 and made it a done deal. I ended up waking up at 5:40 this morning...Maddy woke up for a second and I just never went back to sleep for fear that I wouldn't want to get up once my alarm went off. I don't even get up that early for work. I laid in bed till 7 and then I jumped up to hurry and get ready cause Maddy is usually up by 7:30. I got the idea to curl my hair and fix myself up which I hadn't done in I can't tell you when. Getting ready ran like clock work. Maddy didn't wake up until I was ready to get her, my hair did a fantastic job of curling (I have to say again that I LOVE my flat iron!). Here is how my hair ended up...it ended up frizzing a little, but I think it is from my inexperience hehe.

Once we got to church I got Maddy signed in. The name of her class was Friendly Frogs. I thought she was going to pitch a fit, but amazingly enough she went right to the woman that was working. She had a confused look on her face as I walked away, but not once did she cry. The entire service I sat there wondering how she was doing and what she was doing. Luckily for first time parents they give you a pager that they can page you if they need you. Once church was over I went to get her. It was so funny. I couldn't see her when I walked up and the lady was like she just sat down and next thing I know I see her little head turn around from the glider they have in there. As soon as she saw me she started crying. At first I was like oh no...she doesn't want to leave and I got a little nervous, but she started walking to me and threw her arms up. Apparently she didn't fully realize I had left until she saw me come back. I think going to church confused her a little because it's not part of her routine number 1 and number 2 it was a completely new place, but yet very similar to daycare.I am so happy for her though that she seems to make friends super easy and is just a social butterfly. With it being as (kinda) nice as it was I decided to let her play outside some. If it wasn't for the cold cold wind it would have been a gorgeous day. She is like her mama and LOVES being outside. At home she just walks around and probably would stay out there all day if I would let her. Here are some pictures of her playing outside...

After playing outside, and taking a nap in the car, it was time to eat some "bite bites" It is amazing to me the things that Maddy likes to eat...she is not picky at all and likes things that I don't. Tonight she ate some meat sticks from Gerber and beets. Here are a few pics of dinner...

Maddy is using her sign language she learned from daycare and saying "all done in this picture" The other signs she knows is "more" and "please" She has done thank you one time for me, but it's not something she uses constantly.

After dinner it was time to play just a little more before starting our bedtime routine. Maddy loves playing in the kitchen. As with any toddler she loves exploring in the cabinets. Today she got smart and decided to take some of the tupperware out and make a spot for her to sit in. Luckily I still had my camera handy and was able to get a few shots...

I have some video on my phone of Maddy playing in the tub that I want to try to post on here, but I don't feel like fooling with it right this second so hopefully later I can edit this and add the video. To some our day may sound boring or like it is no life at all, but I have had a great day and I really hope Maddy did too. I would not trade Maddy for the world <3

Dreams Come True

Today has been one more emotional day for me. This week I have been so stressed out at work. Work volume for me has been super low, which isn't good when you are in a production environment. I have cried out to God and prayed that He would help me in this rough time. I can't do it on my own that's for sure. I have been thinking of going back to school for the last 2 years. Actually, right before I found out I was pregnant...I was considering going back to get my child's psychology degree. Once I found out I was pregnant I quickly let go of that dream because with a new baby on the way plus work, the last thing I needed was a whole bunch of debt as well as something to take my time. I was completely ok with that because I have always dreamed of being a mom, only my dream was me being married and doing things God's way. Once Maddy turned a year old I tried getting back in school. My plan was to do an online program through Chatt State and go as far as I could in early childhood education. My FAFSA was processed and I paid the application fee and everything. Only problem is I had to go in to take a placement test before I could do anything else. That posed a problem for me because I didn't have anybody that would take care of Maddy for me so I could go or so I could finish up my work so my dreams of starting my own daycare got let down and life went on. Recently I started thinking about going back to school, except this time I decided to look into University Of Phoenix. To my surprise they have an all online teaching degree. I got so excited and immediately renewed my FAFSA and tried to fill out an application. Either I am not so smart or they make it to where you can't fill out an application unless you have an advisor helping you. I dismissed the idea again of going back to school, until today. My day got started off rough cause I had to log in earlier than I should have in order to try to get most of my time done today. I had absolutely no work and when you ask for work like you are supposed to, the lady that gives you work acts like you shouldn't be needing any work and it feels like I have to pull teeth to get anything. I had a weird number call my phone and it looked somewhat familiar..I actually thought it was Maddy's doctor or something for Maddy so I decided to answer. I NEVER answer numbers I don't know but when I did today I was greatly surprised to hear who it was. It was my enrollment advisor. At first I was like oh great..I never should have answered this call cause I am on production and already am struggling so I sat there and listened and rolled my eyes and was fully prepared to just get off the phone. I ended up listening and decided to take it serious. I asked the questions I had which weren't that many and the rest of the hour or so I spent listening to him try to sell me on their school. Little did he know that I did all my research of the school before even attempting to apply so he could have saved his spill. I honestly think he truely was trying to keep me on the phone as long as possible to keep him from having to do other work..he did mention that. So half way through the phone call, I heard this little voice say, "This is from me" I can't remember verbatim what was said but basically it was God letting me know that what was happening was a God thing. When I realized I just started smiling and almost told him to please just go through the application process right then and right there. I didn't because it's a little overwhelming when I stop and think about it and if I think about the big picture it will cause me to shut down because I see so many huge hurdles I will have to jump over to reach my dream. Before I go into more detail about my dream I just want to say that my advisor is supposed to be calling me Tuesday at 2:00 to fill out the application and any other steps involved in enrolling at the school. I just ask that you please say a prayer for me. I hate talking on the phone number 1 but number 2 this is a new beginning/new chapter in my life and whereas I welcome the change, I still get very nervous over change. I do the what if scenario. I'm so scared that I won't be able to juggle work, home, and school and I'm even more scared that I will not be smart enough to pass my classes. I did go to UTC for a semester right after high school and I greatly struggled with the classes. I didn't spend a lot of time studying so I'm hoping I can learn from my mistakes. Ok, so what is my dream? I have always loved kids for as long as I can remember. For the longest time, I wanted to be a teacher. I think once I reached high school I had switched my mind to wanting to be a nutritionist and that is what I went to UTC for. I think my love for kids stems from my own childhood. When I think about my childhood, I immediately feel a sense of sadness. My dad was verbally abusive to me and made me feel like I was stupid and a nobody and no matter how hard I tried to please him I couldn't. I never got the encouragement I needed and there were many times he embarrassed me in front of people. To this day I struggle with feeling like a nobody as well as other things that I choose to keep private for now. I'm not writing this as a pity party or for people to feel sorry for me. That is the last thing I want. Whereas I know what my dad did was wrong, I still see a lot of good that came from it. Ok, maybe not a lot of good, but some good. I have always wanted to work with children...small children in particular and just love on them...make them feel special...share Jesus Christ with them. I want them to know that no matter what is said or done to them, Jesus loves them for who they are and that they are not alone. What I want to do sounds more like a social worker type job, however, there is no way I could handle being a social worker because I would stay in a constant state of depression. I actually watched a movie today called "The Christmas Hope" that was about a social worker and I cried like a baby throughout the whole movie..right off the bat it makes you cry and it's the type of movie that you just don't stop crying after that first sad moment. Ok back on topic here lol. I knew I didn't really want to be a teacher. For some reason I stayed stuck on working in a daycare. I've never worked in a daycare because everybody knows daycare workers don't get paid very much and I need a job that is going to meet the needs of my bills. After having Maddy and putting her in daycare, I have obviously become a lot more familiar with the daycare world. I have had some experiences with daycares that have made me furious. The first daycare I put her in was Kids R Kids in Hixson. It has potential to be a wonderful facility, but the director is young and just doesn't really care. They have cameras all over the building so you can see what goes on with your child, which is why I chose them. The teacher in Maddy's class chose to stand around and talk to the next door teacher all day and didn't seem to pay attention too much with the kids. There was no interaction with any of the babies other than to move them to a new center or to feed or change them. The teacher never smiled or gave Maddy any tummy time. They also didn't feed Maddy properly meaning they didn't give her enough time to finish her bottle. I ended up pulling her out of that daycare because the lack of care being given was not worth $185 a week. She is currently in Tree Of Knowledge Learning Center. That facility is like top dog as far as what they offer. It is a christian based daycare and I love the information they gave me on their facility, but they too are lazy in their jobs. I will say the director does care a lot more than Kids R Kids director did. In that sense Tree Of Knowledge is much better. There is interaction with the kids from the teachers. I'm still not that happy with them though. If I'm going to pay them $196 a week..I expect wonderful things from them. I don't feel her teacher's put forth 100% effort. Maddy got her fingers smushed in a closet and she still has scabs on her 2 fingers from that and I was told there was 3 teacher's in that room when it happened. The center itself isn't always up to code in their licensing. What I mean is they don't do or have what they are supposed to have according to their STARS license or whatever that is called. They play favorites...if you are a favorite parent then your child gets taken care of better than if you aren't. They do treat new parents with great attention but once you aren't new anymore you're either a favorite or you're not. Basically that facility isn't being all they could be. I want to provide a daycare where the workers are not lazy, where there is an excellent curriculum in place, that is christian based and the kids truly were treated as if they were our own. I want to provide a top notch, loving daycare that boosts self esteem and is a happy, positive experience. Whereas I am just now getting into school, it's still a step towards seeing my dream become a reality. I am asking for your prayers in this endeavor. I can't put into words all that I want to do, mainly because it deals with emotions and I can't make this sound how I really feel inside, so it'll be one of those things where I hope I can show you later on. Kids are my passion...always have been, always will be.

Herstyler

I've been meaning to write this after Christmas, but never got around to it. I wanted to talk about this amazing flat iron I got called Herstyler. I first learned of the herstyler 2, well...3 years ago at the mall. I was pregnant and headed to get me a bathing suit and got suckered into stopping by this woman at the kiosk. She curled my hair and told me it would stay that way all day and no hair spray was needed. I was amazed at the curl I was seeing because I have very fine hair and my hair doesn't curl very easily. The only problem was it was like $200. I didn't have that kind of money so off I went. I had thought off and on about it, but I didn't know what kind it was and figured it wouldn't get much cheaper. Well last year I decided to google it and found out it was probably a Herstyler. I watched all kinds of youtube videos and did a lot of research on it. I was sold and planned on trying to buy it for myself. I went to amazon.com to see if they had the one I wanted and they sure did. Purple is my favorite color and I wanted the professional kind and voila. I'm not sure how much was paid for it since it was a Christmas gift, but the one I was going to buy was $50. Being a mom on the go this comes in real handy if I want to fix my hair up. I've only used it about 2 to 3 times. It took me 30 minutes to get all of my hair curled and I have pretty long hair. I think I could do it in 15 minutes if I could get in a rhythm and be better at getting the back of my hair done...I've always had a hard time getting my hair in the back to look decent. I only have the pics from Christmas with my hair being curly so I will repost a few so you can see. Please keep in mind that we had all that snow so it doesn't look as good as it could, but with no hair spray on top of snow falling down my hair stayed pretty curly. This was with no hair spray as well. Want to learn more about this wonderful product? Just click the picture at the bottom of my post.