My Valentine

For Valentine's day me and Maddy pretty much just hung out. As you all know I made her heart donuts, but she wasn't too interested in eating it this morning. I didn't think she would as her eating habits are changing just a little. I do think her teeth are hurting her pretty bad and that is causing the appetite change. I dressed her in her valentine shirt that says, "Sweet Little Valentine." Maddy didn't have a normal dinner tonight. I want to say that I have never done this as I am all about making healthy food choices for her within reason, but tonight she got to eat whatever she wanted. She wasn't real hungry and mostly ate a bunch of junk. She had a chocolate cupcake, a few m&m's, a little corn, a bite of a mini oreo, but the thing she loved the most was gummy worms. I think they felt good on her teeth..kinda like a teether, but with flavor so she wanted to keep eating those. I also got her a teddy bear that sings "Cutie Pie Honey Bunch" I wanted to get this dog that sang and moved, but it was $10 and I just didn't think it was worth the money so i went with the less expensive thing, but this gift had more meaning to me. When my oldest niece Sara was little, I used to change up songs...not like a full parody, but just a word here or a word there. One of the songs I used to sing was "Cutie Pie Honey Bunch" and when it says, "I can't help myself, I love you and nobody else" I change the you with her name. It ended up being "I can't help myself, I love Sara and nobody else" She used to think it was so funny and really in truly I think it made her feel special. So I did the same thing tonight with Maddy although she's not at the age to where she understands that mommy isn't singing all the right words, but she still smiled when it played. After going through all the yummy goodies we danced a little to her teddy bear and then just explored the house. We had the house to ourselves tonight because my mom and step dad went and did their own valentine celebration. I have pictures, but don't have my camera nearby so I will have to post them later. I will admit that I had a few moments where I felt a little sad because even though I'm not the biggest fan of this day, it would still feel nice to be taken out to a nice dinner and treated a little more special than just any other day. After thinking in fantasy land for like 30 seconds or so I quickly snapped out and tried to make the most out of it. I'm disappointed in myself though for not doing more festive things with Maddy. I at least did better this year than I did last year. Last year I just got her a small stuffed animal the day before and put a bib on her and that was that. I know she won't remember today, but I still would have liked to have done more valentiny stuff with her. I am very curious as to what everybody else did for today or maybe you celebrated over the weekend. I'm sure a ton of people have gotten engaged today...in fact I already saw one person on facebook that got engaged tonight. I think that's sweet, but I think I still prefer to be engaged on Christmas Eve. If you're single, how did you get through this "single awareness" day as I have heard several people call it? My throat is starting to get sore and I am starting to feel a little blah so I think now is a good time to say goodnight. Happy Heart Day everybody!

First

So tonight I did something for the first time as sad as it is going to sound. I actually "baked" something. I have cooked before, but never baked. Luckily for me what I wanted to do was super easy. I'm not a typical woman in the fact that I just love to cook, but I do have a very odd fascination with cookbooks lol. I actually don't mind cooking at all, it's just the cleaning afterwards that I hate so much. So anyways, my mom does a lot of baking...mostly cakes. She makes all the cakes in our family and does a wonderful job. My favorite bakery around town is Federal Bake Shop over in Hixson and she has pretty much perfected her recipie to taste like theirs. Anyways, since she makes a lot of cakes throughout the year she is always finding cute things she can make things with. Apparently I have instilled in my oldest cousin to like hearts like me...I don't really know why she has chosen heart cakes these past couple of years but I like to say it's because of me lol. My mom found this awesome heart doughnut pan from the Sugar Shoppe, located on East Brainerd Road. I've been racking my brain trying to come up with fun things me and Maddy can do to celebrate Valentine's day. I am a very festive person so even if I'm not real big on the holiday, I still like to do celebrate. I got the idea to make Maddy Valentine doughnuts for breakfast. All you do is mix a few ingredients together, mix them in a mixer and spoon them into the pan. They only take about 5 minutes to bake. If you like cake doughnuts I highly recommend you try these. It gives you the recipie and even includes a glaze recipie. The pan is by Wilton's and it is $9.99 I do believe. I will post a few pictures of the plain and semi-decorated ones.

Having Fun On a Sun-day

I have felt like celebrating a good bit of the day today. Before I had Maddy I was a regular church goer. I looked forward to going and was very eager to learn more about God. After I had Maddy, I pretty much quit going. In the beginning it was because she wasn't supposed to be out in public for the first 6 weeks. Being a first time mom I wanted to stick to all the rules for fear of her getting sick. I did take her out every now and then, but not a very often. Her 6 weeks came and went, but my sleep was still far far away. It's definitly not a good excuse to not go, but it just fell into a habit of not going. I tried taking her once she was anywhere between 4 and 6 months. That time didn't work out at all...she screamed the entire time due to her having some major belly problems. I remember freaking out because no matter what I did she couldn't get comfortable and just cried nonstop. I had so many people make comments and whereas some probably were just trying to make me feel better, I felt like I was under a microscope. After that day I decided church just wasn't an option until Maddy got older. I know it seems so simple to say why not just stick her in the nursery. I didn't feel comfortable doing that because I didn't know the workers. At this point she wasn't even in daycare so I had never had to seperate from her. Once she was around 7 months I decided to try church again. This time she had no belly problems, but she decided she wanted to talk and it was always once it got super quiet and I ended up getting a few looks. The only way I could go to church was to keep her outside in the hall, but that was pointless because for some reason they didn't keep the speaker on out there so I could still hear the message. I wanted to go last week and put her in children's church/nursery, but I left it open and I ended up not getting up and enjoyed sleeping in till 8:30. I was so disappointed with myself too because before she was ever born I had it set in my mind that she would grow up in church and that was not happening at all. So all week this week I had it in my mind that there is no sleeping in and we were going to church no matter what. I had to tell myself all week, and come Saturday I set my alarm for 6:30 and made it a done deal. I ended up waking up at 5:40 this morning...Maddy woke up for a second and I just never went back to sleep for fear that I wouldn't want to get up once my alarm went off. I don't even get up that early for work. I laid in bed till 7 and then I jumped up to hurry and get ready cause Maddy is usually up by 7:30. I got the idea to curl my hair and fix myself up which I hadn't done in I can't tell you when. Getting ready ran like clock work. Maddy didn't wake up until I was ready to get her, my hair did a fantastic job of curling (I have to say again that I LOVE my flat iron!). Here is how my hair ended up...it ended up frizzing a little, but I think it is from my inexperience hehe.

Once we got to church I got Maddy signed in. The name of her class was Friendly Frogs. I thought she was going to pitch a fit, but amazingly enough she went right to the woman that was working. She had a confused look on her face as I walked away, but not once did she cry. The entire service I sat there wondering how she was doing and what she was doing. Luckily for first time parents they give you a pager that they can page you if they need you. Once church was over I went to get her. It was so funny. I couldn't see her when I walked up and the lady was like she just sat down and next thing I know I see her little head turn around from the glider they have in there. As soon as she saw me she started crying. At first I was like oh no...she doesn't want to leave and I got a little nervous, but she started walking to me and threw her arms up. Apparently she didn't fully realize I had left until she saw me come back. I think going to church confused her a little because it's not part of her routine number 1 and number 2 it was a completely new place, but yet very similar to daycare.I am so happy for her though that she seems to make friends super easy and is just a social butterfly. With it being as (kinda) nice as it was I decided to let her play outside some. If it wasn't for the cold cold wind it would have been a gorgeous day. She is like her mama and LOVES being outside. At home she just walks around and probably would stay out there all day if I would let her. Here are some pictures of her playing outside...

After playing outside, and taking a nap in the car, it was time to eat some "bite bites" It is amazing to me the things that Maddy likes to eat...she is not picky at all and likes things that I don't. Tonight she ate some meat sticks from Gerber and beets. Here are a few pics of dinner...

Maddy is using her sign language she learned from daycare and saying "all done in this picture" The other signs she knows is "more" and "please" She has done thank you one time for me, but it's not something she uses constantly.

After dinner it was time to play just a little more before starting our bedtime routine. Maddy loves playing in the kitchen. As with any toddler she loves exploring in the cabinets. Today she got smart and decided to take some of the tupperware out and make a spot for her to sit in. Luckily I still had my camera handy and was able to get a few shots...

I have some video on my phone of Maddy playing in the tub that I want to try to post on here, but I don't feel like fooling with it right this second so hopefully later I can edit this and add the video. To some our day may sound boring or like it is no life at all, but I have had a great day and I really hope Maddy did too. I would not trade Maddy for the world <3

Dreams Come True

Today has been one more emotional day for me. This week I have been so stressed out at work. Work volume for me has been super low, which isn't good when you are in a production environment. I have cried out to God and prayed that He would help me in this rough time. I can't do it on my own that's for sure. I have been thinking of going back to school for the last 2 years. Actually, right before I found out I was pregnant...I was considering going back to get my child's psychology degree. Once I found out I was pregnant I quickly let go of that dream because with a new baby on the way plus work, the last thing I needed was a whole bunch of debt as well as something to take my time. I was completely ok with that because I have always dreamed of being a mom, only my dream was me being married and doing things God's way. Once Maddy turned a year old I tried getting back in school. My plan was to do an online program through Chatt State and go as far as I could in early childhood education. My FAFSA was processed and I paid the application fee and everything. Only problem is I had to go in to take a placement test before I could do anything else. That posed a problem for me because I didn't have anybody that would take care of Maddy for me so I could go or so I could finish up my work so my dreams of starting my own daycare got let down and life went on. Recently I started thinking about going back to school, except this time I decided to look into University Of Phoenix. To my surprise they have an all online teaching degree. I got so excited and immediately renewed my FAFSA and tried to fill out an application. Either I am not so smart or they make it to where you can't fill out an application unless you have an advisor helping you. I dismissed the idea again of going back to school, until today. My day got started off rough cause I had to log in earlier than I should have in order to try to get most of my time done today. I had absolutely no work and when you ask for work like you are supposed to, the lady that gives you work acts like you shouldn't be needing any work and it feels like I have to pull teeth to get anything. I had a weird number call my phone and it looked somewhat familiar..I actually thought it was Maddy's doctor or something for Maddy so I decided to answer. I NEVER answer numbers I don't know but when I did today I was greatly surprised to hear who it was. It was my enrollment advisor. At first I was like oh great..I never should have answered this call cause I am on production and already am struggling so I sat there and listened and rolled my eyes and was fully prepared to just get off the phone. I ended up listening and decided to take it serious. I asked the questions I had which weren't that many and the rest of the hour or so I spent listening to him try to sell me on their school. Little did he know that I did all my research of the school before even attempting to apply so he could have saved his spill. I honestly think he truely was trying to keep me on the phone as long as possible to keep him from having to do other work..he did mention that. So half way through the phone call, I heard this little voice say, "This is from me" I can't remember verbatim what was said but basically it was God letting me know that what was happening was a God thing. When I realized I just started smiling and almost told him to please just go through the application process right then and right there. I didn't because it's a little overwhelming when I stop and think about it and if I think about the big picture it will cause me to shut down because I see so many huge hurdles I will have to jump over to reach my dream. Before I go into more detail about my dream I just want to say that my advisor is supposed to be calling me Tuesday at 2:00 to fill out the application and any other steps involved in enrolling at the school. I just ask that you please say a prayer for me. I hate talking on the phone number 1 but number 2 this is a new beginning/new chapter in my life and whereas I welcome the change, I still get very nervous over change. I do the what if scenario. I'm so scared that I won't be able to juggle work, home, and school and I'm even more scared that I will not be smart enough to pass my classes. I did go to UTC for a semester right after high school and I greatly struggled with the classes. I didn't spend a lot of time studying so I'm hoping I can learn from my mistakes. Ok, so what is my dream? I have always loved kids for as long as I can remember. For the longest time, I wanted to be a teacher. I think once I reached high school I had switched my mind to wanting to be a nutritionist and that is what I went to UTC for. I think my love for kids stems from my own childhood. When I think about my childhood, I immediately feel a sense of sadness. My dad was verbally abusive to me and made me feel like I was stupid and a nobody and no matter how hard I tried to please him I couldn't. I never got the encouragement I needed and there were many times he embarrassed me in front of people. To this day I struggle with feeling like a nobody as well as other things that I choose to keep private for now. I'm not writing this as a pity party or for people to feel sorry for me. That is the last thing I want. Whereas I know what my dad did was wrong, I still see a lot of good that came from it. Ok, maybe not a lot of good, but some good. I have always wanted to work with children...small children in particular and just love on them...make them feel special...share Jesus Christ with them. I want them to know that no matter what is said or done to them, Jesus loves them for who they are and that they are not alone. What I want to do sounds more like a social worker type job, however, there is no way I could handle being a social worker because I would stay in a constant state of depression. I actually watched a movie today called "The Christmas Hope" that was about a social worker and I cried like a baby throughout the whole movie..right off the bat it makes you cry and it's the type of movie that you just don't stop crying after that first sad moment. Ok back on topic here lol. I knew I didn't really want to be a teacher. For some reason I stayed stuck on working in a daycare. I've never worked in a daycare because everybody knows daycare workers don't get paid very much and I need a job that is going to meet the needs of my bills. After having Maddy and putting her in daycare, I have obviously become a lot more familiar with the daycare world. I have had some experiences with daycares that have made me furious. The first daycare I put her in was Kids R Kids in Hixson. It has potential to be a wonderful facility, but the director is young and just doesn't really care. They have cameras all over the building so you can see what goes on with your child, which is why I chose them. The teacher in Maddy's class chose to stand around and talk to the next door teacher all day and didn't seem to pay attention too much with the kids. There was no interaction with any of the babies other than to move them to a new center or to feed or change them. The teacher never smiled or gave Maddy any tummy time. They also didn't feed Maddy properly meaning they didn't give her enough time to finish her bottle. I ended up pulling her out of that daycare because the lack of care being given was not worth $185 a week. She is currently in Tree Of Knowledge Learning Center. That facility is like top dog as far as what they offer. It is a christian based daycare and I love the information they gave me on their facility, but they too are lazy in their jobs. I will say the director does care a lot more than Kids R Kids director did. In that sense Tree Of Knowledge is much better. There is interaction with the kids from the teachers. I'm still not that happy with them though. If I'm going to pay them $196 a week..I expect wonderful things from them. I don't feel her teacher's put forth 100% effort. Maddy got her fingers smushed in a closet and she still has scabs on her 2 fingers from that and I was told there was 3 teacher's in that room when it happened. The center itself isn't always up to code in their licensing. What I mean is they don't do or have what they are supposed to have according to their STARS license or whatever that is called. They play favorites...if you are a favorite parent then your child gets taken care of better than if you aren't. They do treat new parents with great attention but once you aren't new anymore you're either a favorite or you're not. Basically that facility isn't being all they could be. I want to provide a daycare where the workers are not lazy, where there is an excellent curriculum in place, that is christian based and the kids truly were treated as if they were our own. I want to provide a top notch, loving daycare that boosts self esteem and is a happy, positive experience. Whereas I am just now getting into school, it's still a step towards seeing my dream become a reality. I am asking for your prayers in this endeavor. I can't put into words all that I want to do, mainly because it deals with emotions and I can't make this sound how I really feel inside, so it'll be one of those things where I hope I can show you later on. Kids are my passion...always have been, always will be.

Herstyler

I've been meaning to write this after Christmas, but never got around to it. I wanted to talk about this amazing flat iron I got called Herstyler. I first learned of the herstyler 2, well...3 years ago at the mall. I was pregnant and headed to get me a bathing suit and got suckered into stopping by this woman at the kiosk. She curled my hair and told me it would stay that way all day and no hair spray was needed. I was amazed at the curl I was seeing because I have very fine hair and my hair doesn't curl very easily. The only problem was it was like $200. I didn't have that kind of money so off I went. I had thought off and on about it, but I didn't know what kind it was and figured it wouldn't get much cheaper. Well last year I decided to google it and found out it was probably a Herstyler. I watched all kinds of youtube videos and did a lot of research on it. I was sold and planned on trying to buy it for myself. I went to amazon.com to see if they had the one I wanted and they sure did. Purple is my favorite color and I wanted the professional kind and voila. I'm not sure how much was paid for it since it was a Christmas gift, but the one I was going to buy was $50. Being a mom on the go this comes in real handy if I want to fix my hair up. I've only used it about 2 to 3 times. It took me 30 minutes to get all of my hair curled and I have pretty long hair. I think I could do it in 15 minutes if I could get in a rhythm and be better at getting the back of my hair done...I've always had a hard time getting my hair in the back to look decent. I only have the pics from Christmas with my hair being curly so I will repost a few so you can see. Please keep in mind that we had all that snow so it doesn't look as good as it could, but with no hair spray on top of snow falling down my hair stayed pretty curly. This was with no hair spray as well. Want to learn more about this wonderful product? Just click the picture at the bottom of my post.

Labor Of Love

It seems that everybody is pregnant these days. I don't mean that to sound like a bad thing, it's a very exciting thing. I have struggled here and there ever since Maddy was around 10 months of wanting another baby. I'm not in a position to be having another one right now, or maybe ever for that matter...only the Lord knows that one. In the meantime, I'm enjoying hearing of everybody's pregnancy stages and I find myself reflecting back on when I was pregnant with Maddy. My pregnancy didn't seem to go the way I envisioned being pregnant would. In the beginning it did because once I got over the shock that I was indeed pregnant, I found myself beaming with happiness. There was nothing going to bring me down in the beginning. I didn't have a whole whole lot of sickness when I first found out. I remember wanting to get sick at least once cause that meant it really was real. The very first time I did get sick I will never forget. It was on a Saturday morning and after it happened I just smiled. I know that sounds really weird, but I was still not really grasping the fact that I was pregnant. I seemed to stay in a shock state for a little bit, but I was able to be in a shock/happy state as well. I ended up showing really early because I wanted to make sure to eat enough in order to maintain the pregnancy and keep baby safe. I remember being so anxious to really have the pregnancy belly in the early stages of pregnancy. The funny thing is, once I couldn't fit into my regular clothes anymore, which was right around 4 months, I kinda felt sad. I guess it's just one of the joys of being pregnant. I had morning sicknes..aka...all day sickness...up until my 2nd trimester. The sickness was pretty rough. There were times I felt like I was going to pass out and it freaked me out a lot. I also got extremely tired in the beginning stages of pregnancy. Once the sickness wore off I was able to enjoy a little bit of the pregnancy. It didn't take long though before I started getting real uncomfortable and felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stand up for any length of time or the world would start spinning, I couldn't catch my breath, and I felt real shaky. I'm really not sure why I felt that way unless it really was the fact that my body couldn't handle the weight gain. I gained the maximum amount of weight they want you to gain, which is 35 lbs. I was happy with that while I was pregnant cause I've heard of people who gain a whole lot of weight with their first and then never can lose it. I guess I thought my weight would just fall right off by itself or something, but newsflash, it didn't!It took me up until Maddy was 13 months to finally get down to my pre-pregnancy weight and I'm still struggling a little with my weight as well as getting my body toned back up. I know this post seems really random...welcome to my head lol...but I've been contemplating posting something similar to this for a few days now. I was even going to talk solely about my having baby blues on tonight's post, but decided not to because I really don't want to hear people tell me all the reasons why I don't want to have another baby right now. I already know how hard it would be having 2 babies to look after and I remember how miserable I felt during pregnancy and how much sleep I'd lose and the list goes on. I left off the most important reason...I'm not married. I always said before I had Maddy that I was going to be the different one and do things right...well, I failed. Even though I failed, God still showed me in pregnancy and delivery that He still cared about me and the things that mattered to me. I stood in awe of the different ways I saw Him work throughout my pregnancy. The most amazing one of all was the day Maddy was born. Most first time mom's when they find out they are pregnant have nightmares or have fears of what labor is going to feel like...not me. My fear and my nightmares consisted of getting that stupid IV. I didn't care what labor felt like in the beginning, but I stressed and worried all day and all night about getting an IV. I have a major fear of needles. I was supposed to be induced on September 24 at 6 a.m. My prayer had been from the minute I found out I was pregnant that I would go naturally and that God would help me get through the IV whether I didn't have to have one or they would numb it or whatever the scenario could be. On September 22nd I started having some major discomfort but not where I thought I would if I were in labor. We went out to Cracker Barrel that night for dinner. I had had my last doctor appointment before baby came. Towards the end of dinner I had some pain shoot through that put me on the edge of my chair. I felt like jumping up and screaming, but knew I couldn't do that. I had no idea what was going on, but labor was nowhere in the back of my mind. It only happened every so often. We went on to Wal-Mart and as my step dad was trying on clothes it happened again. It seems like I told my mom that I was hurting in a weird place but I may have just kept it to myself. By the time we got home the pains had pretty much stopped. I did feel pressure in my stomach but I thought it was due to something else and so I just thought if I could curl up and get to bed it'd be better the next day. So 11 p.m. the pressure has kicked up a lot and I didn't feel like I could get to sleep. I forced myself to go to sleep and sleep I did until 1 a.m. when I woke up in severe pain. Labor still had not even crossed my mind cause it was not the type of pain I envisioned labor being. There was no going back to sleep so I decide to jump on myspace to try to get my mind off the pain. By this time it is 1:36 a.m. and I cannot sit at the computer anymore. Back to my bedroom I go and I realized that the pain was coming in waves. I got the bright idea to time them. I had one at 1:36 it went away by 1:37. Next one comes at 1:42...hmm...5 minutes apart. OH MAN!!! 5 minutes sounds like labor but surely this can't be labor. So, I decide to time another one. Next one happens...hmm..another 5 minutes. Nah, I'm not in labor. These are the thoughts that went through my head. If I admitted I was in labor, that meant I had no choice but to go to the hospital and get an IV. So I decide to take a bath. I can handle a whole lot of pain while in the bath. I start working on breathing just in case I was in labor and it took no time for the pain to go away. I thought it had completely stopped and by this time I'm so tired from lack of sleep as well as the heat from the tub that I decide to go back to bed. As soon as I hit the bed I have major pressure happen again. So I work through all night thinking I'd just wait to tell my mom once my step dad left for work that morning. The weird thing is something told me to grab my mom's exercise ball the night I went into labor but I was like what would I do with it in my room. Once I was in pain I was like I should have listened to my gut. Ladies, always listen to that little voice! I hear my step dad leave I guess around 5:30 or 6 a.m. so I text my mom...my text said, "When you get a minute can you come here?" I wait for what seems like an eternity, but it was only 30 minutes. I couldn't stand the pain much longer so I decide to call her. I told her I thought I was in labor and she's like ok we need to call the doctor. I was like but I might not be in labor and I explain how I feel and she's like you are in labor. By this time I am really panicking on the inside. I decided to wait a long while before I actually picked the phone up and called the doctor. I believe I called around 7:15 a.m. and answer the questions and she confirmed that yes, I was in fact in labor and to go to the hospital. Being in labor when contractions are 2-3 minutes apart and walking or riding in a car is no fun at all. I so wanted to stay home and just go from the tub to the exercise ball to my bed and alternate as frequent as needed, but my mom doesn't know how to birth a baby so I really had no choice lol. I handled labor so well on my own at home with the help of my mom. I was working through the pain which I was very proud of myself for. We get to the hospital and by this time I'm just crying so my mom asked if they could give me numbing medicine for the IV. The nurse that admitted me was wonderful and said she'd try to get me something. She did. Once I was admitted the nurses just wanted their convenience and being in labor with no epidural is not convenient to them and this one nurse told me I was inconveniencing her so I gave up on giving birth without the epidural soon after being admitted. I lost my concentration and couldn't get it back. I labored for 8 hours on my own at home and that's longer than I thought I'd last. I was between 4-5 cm dilated as well so contractions were very intense. Once the epidural was in...which was around 10:45 things started going downhill. I was told my blood pressure was almost bottoming out and then Maddy's heart rate wasn't doing so good either. I knew something wasn't right but I felt so out of it that I just laid there. They ended up having to put in an internal monitor cause they said they were having a hard time keeping up with baby the other way. So she puts it in and there is nothing. She has a look on her face that scared me half to death. No matter what she did she wasn't getting anything or it was very faint. She finally decides to check me and was like oh my goodness no wonder we can't get baby's heart rate...you're ready to push lol. whew...everything is going to be a ok. Once pushing began after half way through the nurse got a really scary look on her face that told me something was wrong. I can't remember everything that was said, but something was said and then she looked like something was wrong and I just start crying. She asked if she scared me and I didn't want to make her feel like it was her fault and I just said I'm just very emotional right now. After an hour of pushing Madison Paige was finally born. She was born at 3:01 p.m. and weighed in at 6lbs 2 oz. and was 19" long. When she was born she didn't cry and they had to immediately take her as she had passed miconium before delivery. It seemed like forever before I finally heard her cry. Once I heard her cry I just relaxed as much as possible and once it hit me everything that had happened I just started crying once again. I was told that they had to use a cpap on her to help her breath but luckily she turned out just as healthy as can be. If you are expecting I just want to say congratulations! You are about to embark on an amazing journey with your child. Maddy is the best thing that has happened to me and I thank God every day for her. She is my blessing and I love her more than words can say. I have to post this now as my battery is dying. I will re-read this later tonight or tomorrow to make sure it makes sense and flows as much as can be.

sadness/grief

I have read a few blogs over the time and so far there are two that really stick out to me. One being from the MTV show 16 & Pregnant (The Life Of Ashley Salaz something) and then there is the one I read today (In This Wonderful Life, I believe was the name). Both of these blogs have really stirred my emotions. Hearing the struggles Ashley went through when she decided to place her baby up for adoption is just overwhelming. It makes me think about Maddy and how I would feel if I decided to give her up for adoption and then had to live the rest of my life with that decision. Now don't misunderstand what I am getting at here...I do not think Ashley made a bad decision, just a hard one. After making the decision to give her baby to her aunt to raise, she quickly realized she couldn't go through life without her precious daughter Callie. That is a beautiful name. MTV showed a little of her struggles and I just wanted to reach out and hug her. She doesn't write on her blog much and she actually is contemplating closing it as it sounds she is having another round of struggles with the decision she made. The one I read today was about a little baby boy named Cohen. They found out when she was pregnant that their baby had 4 kinds of heart defects and the doctors weren't sure what was going to happen when he was born. She said when he was born he came out kicking and screaming and made a slideshow of the delivery that will just make the tears come pouring out. He only lived for 11 or 12 days and I read that he passed away while in his parents arms. I can't even write that sentence without getting choked up because the flesh part of me wants to say he was just a baby...he deserved a chance to live..his parents deserved to get to enjoy him. Before I go on I just want to say that that's not me getting angry with God and questioning him...those were just my first thoughts. As a parent myself, I just cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to have to bury your own child...especially your newborn child. They have a beautiful picture of him in black and white that was taken right before he passed away and with everything he had been through, he just looked so peaceful. They know he is in Heaven and that they will see him again one day. They seem to have strong faith which is the only thing that will help you get through a time like that, but my heart goes out to them. I don't know them from adam, but I will think about and pray for them often. I don't know why I chose to talk about these two blogs, or what relevance this has, but it has been a great relief to talk about how they made me feel.