Late Night Ramblings

I have been up and down with school here lately. One day I am quitting the other day I am going to attempt to make it through.  Prior to our cruise dropping out was never an option. I may have thought about it all the time but I always found my determination to finish this race. Once we came back from the cruise and I was sick I lost all determination. I was not sure where I stood with school and just assumed I would have to drop out because I can't afford to pay for classes. I was given a second chance so to speak. I was able to drop one class and only have to pay half of that class back and I was supposed to have worked on assignments starting on Thursday. Thursday night came and I could not make myself log into school. I almost viewed school like I do work...it's just too stressful sometimes and I was not ready to deal with everything that comes with school. I'm not ready to go back to sleepless nights and I certainly am not ready to go back to having absolutely no free time whatsoever.  I decided to work on Maddy's slideshow instead and would figure school out another day. Friday came and once again I was supposed to have worked on school, but I would not allow myself to log in. I decided the sleepless nights were not worth it anymore, especially with the holidays coming up. I was wanting to enjoy the holidays instead of missing them as I did on Mother's day because I'm sure I will have some paper due on Christmas and that is just not going to happen. All weekend I just kept telling myself that dropping out was the best solution. I want somebody to tell me what I am supposed to do, but unfortunately I am the only person who knows what to do. I decided before I dropped out I would pray about it. Getting my degree has always been my dream and in fact before I found out I was pregnant with Maddy I was preparing to go to school. I started wondering if my going to school now was me just wanting to do what I wanted to do or if God supported me. When I first enrolled in school I honestly believed it is what God wanted me to do. I received an error at work on Friday...right before I was logging out for the night...and since I am supposed to not be worrying about production to help my quality come up I panicked. That one error has messed my entire month up unless it goes on September's numbers and if I am slowing down to ensure good quality...what are the next steps going to be for me. When I received that error it definitely kick started my motivation to finish school once again. Apparently it wasn't quite enough motivation because over the weekend I spent time with my nieces and nephew and of coarse Maddy. I decided Monday I would start back and try to make up work. After work Monday night I had it in my head that I was going to work on school no matter what. I open my laptop up and next thing I know I am falling asleep. Once again I started leaning toward dropping out. It was obvious my body had reached its limit a long time ago. Tuesday I receive yet another error at work. By this point I am really stressing. I remembered my interview I had a couple weeks ago and thought maybe that would be my outlet but my application is only good for 30 days and I would have thought I would have heard something by now on the other job openings she was telling me about. Once again I was feeling defeated. I watched the movie Flywheel and once again was reminded that God usually shows up at the last minute possible. Here we are on Wednesday and I am so proud to say that I did log into school tonight and made up the only assignment I could. I will have to work really hard to keep my grade at a passing level, but I do believe it is doable. I have my determination back and I have facebook friends to thank for that. I have seen a few statuses tonight that both said, "Do not give up." The first one I saw I wondered if God meant that for me but I didn't have that aha moment so I just dismissed it. I read my bible this morning and it was Ecclesiastes 8 and I saw in there basically to keep my eyes on the Lord and from Him I will gain wisdom. Low and behold right as I was working on school I saw someone else post about not giving up. When I saw that post I was like okay God....I will not give up. I am still praying about school and will work on it until the door is completely shut. I will also continue praying about my job situation and trust the Lord to take care of me. 

On another note I am so happy to say that Maddy's 2nd year slideshow is done. I still have more video to add to it, but it is currently lost and it may never be found again lol. I will make a slideshow every year because even though they take a lot of work they are really fun. I will not just rely on slideshows for memory sake. I still want to scrapbook about her life, but that takes a little more time and money and I don't really have a lot of either right now. 

I have a lot to say about Maddy but will make that another post as this one is becoming quite long. I will post a random music video in here just because I can lol.