Teen Mom

Anybody that knows me knows that I am a huge teen mom fan. I became addicted to 16 & pregnant when i was pregnant with Maddy. I had no idea that was their first season and thought it was so cool there was a girl from Chattanooga on the show. Even though I wasn't a teen when I became a mom, I was single and I had so many questions or curiosities. I wanted to see how these girls handled labor and see how the first few months of being a mom went for them. I was hoping to gain advice on money and parenting tips that I might not have thought of. I didn't really gain any advice from those categories, but I walked away feeling that if they can do it, surely I could do it at the age of 26. As more seasons go by and more episodes air I find myself relating more and more to these girls. Tonight's episode really hit home with me with Farrah because the feelings she feels I feel everyday and I haven't lost the father of my baby. I've always been up and down with friends...sometimes I have friends...other times I don't. Before I got pregnant I would hang out with a couple of people and just have fun. I had my own apt and could come and go whenever I wanted. Once I got in a relationship with Maddy's dad I hung out with him all the time and we started our own life. I made friends at work and I really enjoyed talking with them. I started feeling like I wasn't really a part and like they talked about me when I wasn't around, but I had no evidence of that and still continued to hang out with them. When me and Maddy's dad broke up I started hanging out more and more with them and we started meeting up after work. The day I found out I was pregnant, I just happened to find out while at work...it was like 10:30 ish to be exact lol. I am a talker deep down inside and since my mom was unavailable to talk and me and Maddy's dad were broken up I decided to tell my group of friends because I was freaking out. They didn't believe me at first cause I had just joked about being pregnant that same week. After I told them I was pregnant I felt like everything changed. One of my friends ended up telling me eventually that he wanted to ask if I was sure I was pregnant because we had some in depth conversations about saving sex for marriage. At the time I just felt so ashamed that I had put myself in that position that I just kinda hung my head down and was like yeah, I know, but God forgives me. I've thought back on that convo with him and sometimes I find myself angry because I know he did things that were ungodly and not once did I bring that up to him, but then again I guess I was being a bad friend. I felt like my group of friends were slowly fading, but there was always that one friend, the one that I've mentioned before. If I could talk to him for one second I would tell him thank you for being there and helping me through a challenging time and for being honest with me even though it made me mad lol. After me and him stopped being friends I literally had nobody to talk to. It gets lonely sometimes being a single parent with nobody that can understand what you think and feel. I have to be very careful around some of my family when I try to say how I feel because sometimes my feelings get taken in a bad way, and so I don't even bother anymore. I would say that most if not all of my family have no idea how I really feel about things and what I carry around on a daily basis. One thing I have learned is that I don't want Maddy to feel like she can't talk to me. That is so very important to me because communication is an important skill to have in any relationship. On the after show Farrah talked about how there were times she didn't want to talk to anybody and if someone was interested in dating she'd shut them off and lie and she didn't want to hug anybody or tell her mom she loved her and things like that....that is exactly how I feel most days. I find myself in one sentence saying I want to be with someone, yet I want to be single all  at the same time. Talk about contradicting myself lol. I am truly happy being single but I would really love to have some people I can relate to and who can relate to me. Even when I'm given the chance to meet up with a mom my age, I find myself not wanting to make time to meet them...it's like I get scared. My conclusion is that I am scared of losing anymore friends...anymore people in my life. I would love to have a counselor like Farrah has because I need someone that I can just tell exactly how I'm feeling without having to worry about anything. I'm not depressed nor am I miserable in life...I have my issues yes, but I'm pretty ok with my life...this is just me venting lol. Teen mom brings out a lot of emotion in me because I feel like for that hour someone understands what I go through or someone understands what I am feeling on certain issues.