Bye Bye and more...

This post is going to be here there and everywhere lol. I will start off by saying that I've been thinking about my great-grandmother a lot lately. I posted this song because it makes me think of her. I was extremely close to her and miss her a whole lot. If I stop and think about the fact that she has never really met Maddy it would make cry. She got the chance to meet my oldest niece before she passed away and I would be beaming from ear to ear if she had the chance to meet Maddy. I know she would be proud of Maddy and she would be proud watching me raise Maddy and would provide a lot of support and encouragement to me. She always knew what to say when I was having a hard time and I could sure use her encouragement now more than ever. As you all are well aware thanks to the many blogs and facebook posts, I have officially started school. Next week will be the end to my first "semester" of college. I am really stressed because I should have been working on both of my final projects throughout the course, but with being a single mom with no babysitter and my work load at work, that has been nearly impossible. I usually go to bed around 2 or 3 a.m. every day and that's just doing normal class work. I am beyond exhausted and I can't tell you the number of times I almost just quit. I have realized in order to really succeed in college, apart from doing all the hard work, you really need a support system. People who will stand behind you and motivate and encourage you to keep on keepin on. I have realized even further that you really really need that support when you are a single mom trying to do it on your own. I have to be by own support system and it has been extremely rough because there are times I feel I just can't go on. Getting a college degree is a very important goal of mine that I just have to reach. I have always wanted my degree, but I want it even more now because I want to be a good example for Maddy. I have to finish my degree for myself as well...just to say I CAN do it. Wanting to quit the first week or two of school is not really a good sign that I will in fact finish school. As silly as this may seem, I have to constantly remind myself that if the moms on teen mom can be a full time mommy, student, and maintain full time jobs...I can do the same...can't I? The one mom that stands out the most is Kail because she has to be her own support system in essence. I would love to sit down and talk to her and ask her how she does it. I would say for her she just has a strong amount of determination and has realized at an early age that if she wants something she is going to have to fight to get it. I have determination, but I am the type of person that needs motivation here and there from someone other than myself.

I absolutely love this song because I feel this way a lot of times. There are other people in the world who have serious situations going on and I realize this, but what I am going through at this moment in time seems like a mountain to me. There are days I feel so completely alone and that feeling can be overbearing sometimes. I hate not being able to openly discuss my feelings, even on here, because there are times I just need them to be heard instead of just keeping it inside and "dealing" with it. The only thing that is helping me to stay "strong" is Maddy. Maddy is going through a difficult phase right now and throwing a lot of fits. She says "no" to pretty much everything I do and expects to get whatever she wants at that moment. She sticks by people who will give her whatever she wants and nine times out of ten that isn't mommy and that is hard on me. I know this is part of being a mom and I'm ok with that, but it is emotionally hard on me and there have been times I just go to my room and cry over it. Another thing I've been struggling a lot with lately is the fact that I can't support me and Maddy on my own. I give over half my paycheck to her daycare and the less than half of my check is for bills and other necessitites for Maddy. My check doesn't even cover all my bills so I have to pick and choose which bills I am going to pay each month. I don't really see an end in sight as to when me and Maddy can be in our own place. I feel like a bum a lot of times as well as a constant guest. I feel a few other things that I will choose to not say on here. I am very grateful that I have a roof over mine and Maddy's head and food to eat, but at 28 years old I should be able to live in my own place...even if it's rented. I know the Lord will provide that to us when it's the right time. I really feel that He is waiting for me to be completely content with what He has given me thus far. I have made great progress in this area because when I first started out I really really resented my situation and when I say situation it has nothing to do with Maddy and everything to do with my own personal decisions. As you can see I have a lot of sad emotions right now and I know they will disappear soon...soon may be over a year and a half from now(that's when I should graduate school) but I know it will all be ok. I do know everything will work out the way it is supposed to...I have no doubt about that. I also know the Lord is in control and I just have to lean on Him. Like all my other "sad" posts, I'm just having a rough time and need to get it out instead of harboring it. I do believe I will end here, but will post one more song. This is really hard cause there are so many songs I could talk about that have meaning to me. I might do a short "music" post after posting this and then I need to get going on school lol.