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I have no real topic to talk about tonight...well...actually that's not entirely true, but I'm not going to just come out and say what I am thinking about tonight lol. I have no idea what is wrong with me...well..I kinda do. Today has just been a horrible day and the worst part about it is I am pretty sure I put the stress on myself. My day got started off wrong because when I dropped Maddy off at daycare this morning, her teacher scooped her up to take her with her to talk on the phone and I didn't get a chance to give her a hug and kiss and tell her I love her and bye and that I'd be back. When I got in my car it was all I could do to keep from boo hooing because I could just see Maddy thinking I would be in her room when she got back and then finding out that I wasn't...I didn't like how that might have made her feel. She may have handled it just fine I don't know, but it's important to me to let her know that I love her and that I'll be back for her. So I fought back tears all the way home. Once I got home and to work it just went downhill from there. I am not handling the stress from my job very well at all. It can't be healthy to stay this tore up all the time. I'm to the point of just throwing in the badge and if need be filing bankruptcy and just start completely over. At one point today I was so ready to do that, but the Lord keeps whispering in my ear the word "perserverance." I know the Lord has everything under control, but knowing that doesn't always make it easier. I definitely had a Job moment today to where I was comparing my life to somebody else's and in my head I was thinking about how I try to live for the Lord and it seems I struggle so much and people who aren't living for the Lord seem to just get stuff handed to them. My life has been nowhere close to easy, but one thing I can say is in every circumstance the Lord has brought me through and I end up a stronger person. There are many ways He has shown that He is leading me and I try to take comfort in that, but right now I just feel so defeated. No matter how hard I try it's just never good enough. I'm so tired of dealing with everybody's thoughts and opinions on how I should handle Maddy I could scream. I am so tired of everybody's thoughts and opinions on my job I could scream. I am so tired of everybody's thoughts and opinions on my relationships I could scream. Is there anything I can do right that makes somebody say, "Hey you're doing a good job." I constantly feel like I am being tugged and pulled on. If I don't do what this person thinks I should do then I'm a horrible mom, or if I do something that person thinks I shouldn't do then I just don't know what I'm doing or I'm being ridiculous...blah blah blah. Now that I have done my complaining and whining I am ready to move on to something a lot more exciting to talk about lol. In the middle of my wanting to just up and quit my job today I got an email from my academic advisor that was was welcoming me to college. The only thing I have left to do is complete a workshop, then I will officially start my classes. I haven't fully decided on how I am going to work school. I am starting out with my associate's that prepares me for a teaching degree. Originally I was going to get my bachelor's degree in teaching so if my daycare doesn't work out I could at least get a job with Hamilton County as a teacher somewhere. When I was enrolling I told my advisor what I was wanting to do and he told me that I might want to consider getting my associates in teaching and then going back and do the business aspect of things since running a daycare involves a lot of business. I had never even thought of that and I do think that's a good idea, but between the two I'd rather have my teaching degree. I saw on tv the other day though that Penn Foster actually has a daycare management type degree and all they require is for me to already have my associate's. So now I am contemplating once I get my associate's degree maybe transferring over to Penn Foster and go through their daycare classes. It's a lot to think about, but for now I will just take it one step at a time and only focus on passing my classes. I am nervous over that because if I fail a class then it ruins my financial aid. That's not adding any pressure at all for me to do well lol. When I got that email today I began to see a small glimmer of light and was so thankful to know there is an end to my current stress at work in sight...it is still a long ways off, but it's at least there. Before I saw no end so it gave me a little relief. I am going to do some research to see what is involved in running a daycare and if they require any degrees. If no degree is required then I may try to start work on getting it started now. It seems like Maddy's daycare owners said from the time they got the idea to start the daycare till the time it opened, it took 5 years. I may be wrong on that though because I know they have been open for 5 years and this year will be 6, but either way it does take time to get everything in place.I know if I can just get a building and loan and all that good stuff that my daycare will do just fine. I feel confident in the ideas that I have in order to make it successful, but the Lord will always be in the center of my daycare. I am starting to pray over my daycare now and I am asking the Lord to go before me and prepare the way. If you know someone who has started a daycare outside of their home and they are willing to give advice, please feel free to comment or email me. I have no idea about how to get things started and can use all the advice there is. I do believe I have made this quite lengthy already, so I will call it a night. Thanks for listening to me whine, this has prevented me from spending the rest of the night crying myself to sleep. I am now going to research daycare's. Good night!