Weekly Hit

I bet you think I got this song specifically for a break up lol...well...you are wrong! I actually bought this CD whenever it came out. I used to be a real big country music fan. I still like country music, some of it, but I listen to all kinds of music. I do remember "back in the day" lol that I sang my heart out to this song and I wished that whoever had just broken up with me would show at least some kind of emotion, but I honestly can't remember who or how old I was even. As I was watching this video though it made me realize this is mostly for the person who got dumped. If you are the one doing the dumping you are going to feel relieved to be out of the relationship and free to speak so why would you "cry". I realize some people may just feel bad that they are hurting somebody, but if that is your soul purpose in showing any kind of emotion then I'd say just don't. In my little mind if show emotion when you break up with someone that tells me that you aren't really over them or want to be done with them. I know this isn't the case for everybody and I also know that there are some people/relationships that just don't work no matter how bad they want it to. Look at Maci and Ryan from teen mom. Reguardless as to what they say, I feel that they both want it to work, but they know they don't work. Ok, I am really going to go do my school work now lol.

Thank You...

As I was working tonight, I was thinking about what I would blog about tonight. I actually had a topic picked out that talked about addiction. I decided against that topic for now because I'm just not ready to go down that road. After working a little longer, it hit me that I had feelings I had never even thought about. I guess I took a step back and looked at where I have come from and where I am today. A whole lot has happened in a month's time and I am apparently growing as a person without realizing it. Trust is a very hard thing for me. I have allowed my past to harbor feelings of distrust and fear and even some anxiety. When I start a new relationship I do trust so to speak. I know I have no reason not to trust them unless they end up doing something that breaks trust. I am scared when I start a new relationship because I don't want to get hurt in any way, so I keep my guard up. Once something is done that breaks any form of trust with me...the relationship may as well be over. It would take a very strong and patient man to stay with me once they lose my trust. I have come to realize that through the help of some of you guys I am slowly but surely starting to let my guard down and start to trust even if it's just a tiny little bit. This is a huge break through for me because I have been trying to work on this for years. I still have a long ways to go on this issue, but I am very excited over the progess that has been made. I realized tonight that I am starting to feel a little more free and I can't tell you what kind of smile that has put on my face. I am learning to be me and I know that if somebody wants to lie to me or do something they know would hurt me then that is on them and I am not going to let it rule me anymore. If you are that type of person that lies and tries to hurt other people then I really don't need you in my life. I have situations in life right now that for the most part I trust but I have my moments of distrust and I begin to question why I have them in my life because it's the type of feeling you just don't ignore..kinda like woman's intuition. I am starting to feel that I have a great support system and yes a lot of it is through facebook and you guys that read my blog. I have received some very encouraging words from you guys and you all have listened to me whine and complain and have heard me talk about some really hard times in my life and not once has anything negative or bad been said to me. I just wanted to share this with you all because you all have played a part in helping me transform into a better person. The Lord has just been right here holding my hand every step of the way and I trust Him a whole lot more now than i did a month ago. I do feel God is preparing me for something and for quite some time now I've had thoughts that God was preparing me to get fired. So far I have not been fired and I really really hope he doesn't allow that to happen, but if He does I know that He has equipped and prepared me to trust fully in Him. If I end up fired and you guys hear me freaking out because I don't know how to provide for Maddy, please remind me that the Lord has it under control and remind me of what I said on this post lol. If me being fired is not what He is preparing me for, then I am really excited or anxious to know what it is. I better get started on my school work now. Again, thank you all for being my support system and helping me in times of need...I really appreciate it more than you know :)

First Week

I wanted to talk a little bit about my first week at school. My first day I was a little confused on how it all worked. There is still a little bit I am confused on. Once I worked through what all I was supposed to be doing, it's gotten a lot better. My sleep patterns have already changed and I must say so far that has been the hardest. My first night I didn't get done with homework until 11:30 p.m. because I am on overtime at work so I don't get done until 10 p.m., then I go straight into school work. The part that concerns me a little is this is just orientation. The purpose of it is to show you what it will be like when you start your actual classes. At first I thought this would be really dumb, but it is much needed. Once my classes start I will not be able to get away with only an hour of work. I will have to put a lot of thought into what I am doing and failing is not an option. The assignments are pretty easy so far. What takes me the longest is not everything is in one place. You start out in one thing, then you have to go to other tabs to get the rest of the things that are due. My fear of failing is starting to act up and I'm starting to do the oh no, what if i fail this thing that I always do to myself. I am trying to keep that out of my mind and just let the Lord handle it. That is very hard for me to do. If you are a parent going back to school, how do you juggle your day to day duties and school and work? Time management is going to be crucial in my life, and the more stressed I feel, the worse this skill becomes. Do you have any advice or tips you could share? If you are reading this I would like to ask you to say a small prayer for me that God will guide my life and I will turn all my worries over to Him. Thank you for taking time to stop by and read my blog :)

Mommy 101

I may turn this into an ongoing topic...who knows with me lol. The point of this post is to talk about all the things I've learned about being a mom. The most shocking thing I learned about being mommy is the amount of opinions that are thrown my way. I guess whenever kids are involved people think they have the right to tell you what you should or should not do for your child. I've had complete strangers come up to me and tell me I should have socks on Maddy's feet or I don't have her warm enough and this and that. It really blew my mind that these people honestly thought they knew what is best for Maddy...that I would just let my child freeze or whatever the case may be. I haven't exactly mastered the art of just letting these things roll off my back, but I can at least say to myself that I know I am a good mom despite what anybody may think or feel and I love Maddy very much. I have her best interest at heart in everything I do. Another thing I've learned is that you expect to teach your child this and that, but your child also teaches you things. Maddy has shown me what love is all about. She showed me things in my relationship with the Lord before she was every born that I probably never would figured out or understood. Something I've learned that actually deals with parenting I guess is the word I'm looking for is this...I used to have a lot of problems with Maddy waking up a whole bunch in the middle of the night when I was trying to get her to sleep in her crib. I started leaving a bottle in her crib so when she would wake up she would drink her bottle and go back to sleep. To this day I keep a bottle in her crib for when she wakes up. I also have one of those crib toys that plays music that has really helped. Brand new they run around $40 which I thought was ridiculous. Thanks to the Just Between Friends sale I got one for $10. Maddy absolutely LOVES this thing. She knows how to operate it all by herself. She can change the sounds and she knows how to turn it on and off. She seems quite proud of herself that she can do this lol. Something else I've learned is if baby starts out not liking the swing...DON'T force them lol. Force is actually the wrong word, we just helped her to like it. The first day home from the hospital I used her swing and for the most part she didn't mind. I was was either using her swing or I'd lay her in her bassinet. At some point soon after her first day home she decided she didn't like the swing for some reason, so I quite using it for a while. My mom and I were talking about her swing issue, so my mom showed me what she did with my sister, who in turn ended up loving the swing. I was wanting Maddy to use her swing at night for her bed and after my mom worked with her one night Maddy came to love her swing. I was so happy, but little did I know the consequences of this. Some people start out using the crib right off the bat. I am/was terrified to do this because I've heard and read all about the babies who suffocated and I wanted Maddy to be safe. My plan was throughout the day use her swing and bouncy seat and then at night use her bassinet. I wanted to put Maddy in her crib around 4 months because she would have better control over her muscles and could roll over if need be. I believe Maddy was around 2.5 months when she got ok with the swing again. Soon after she turned 4 months I tried putting her in her crib. It was a no go. I couldn't keep her asleep when I put her down and if I could then she was up within an hour or so and there was no getting her back to sleep after that. I was still sleep deprived so I just said forget it and put her back in her swing. This was the wrong thing to do lol. I periodically tried getting her into her crib and for the record yes I did master the art of getting her in her crib while she was asleep haha...but I could never get her to sleep all night while in her crib. Once she would wake up she just cried and cried so I always would end up putting her in her swing. I went through 3 swings because apparently if you use them for 12 hours at a time every night plus naps the motor just goes kaput lol. I decided after the last swing died on me that I would just have to get her in her crib. She was I believe 10 months when this happened. The first night it took over an hour to get her to fall asleep in my arms. The whole week that week took a good hour to get her to fall asleep so I could then lay her in her crib, but after that it got better. Now, Maddy goes to sleep on her own. I rock her and let her drink her bottle and then I spend some time with her, but once she starts trying to play or she looks like she is about to fall asleep, I then put her in her crib and say goodnight. There are some nights she stays up a good bit after I lay her down, but she'll just lay there and play with her crib toy or finish drinking her bottle and talk to herself and then she will drift off to sleep. I know every baby is different, but this was just my experience with the whole crib/swing thing. If I have another baby..and I am really hoping I do...I will not be so big on the swing. I have also decided that I will let him or her nap in her crib while I am awake and then use the bassinet at night until I feel comfortable letting them sleep all night in the crib.

Weekly Hit

So, I'm not so happy with the video I'm having to use for this week's hit. The official video is too provocative and I don't want that trash on my blog lol. As you can see, this week's song is from Eden's Crush and it's called Get Over Yourself. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what stage of life prompted me to get this song lol. I want to say it was after my divorce, but I think I already knew of the song before then so I have no idea where I first heard it. If you can't tell already I like all kinds of different music. I don't always listen them all though, it just depends on mood I'm in at the time. Obviously this is a man hater song so if I've just gone through a break up or if I'm with a guy that has hurt me and I need to vent a little...this is one song I pull out and just sing my little heart out while driving. When I'm in that situation and I'm singing this song, it helps me feel strong again. I know that probably sounds so weird but it does. Once I get enough man hater songs out of my system I feel much better and feel as if I can get through that particular situation. For the record I don't hate men...yeah, I've been done dirty by a lot of men but I know there are good ones out there.

Oh, My My, MY...

As usual I have a lot on my mind, but this time it's good thoughts lol. As much as I would love to just say what is on my mind as I usually do, I'm not. I was originally gonna do my weekly hit post and hopefully let that take care of my wanting to write, but as I was looking in my tunes I realized that wouldn't suffice. I've had some pretty good conversation this week...it's all lead to the past. Yesterday I had the past on my mind a whole lot. You always hear, "Leave the past behind" or "The past is the past" Well, that's not entirely true. The past is what helps make us who we are. If you are scared to trust, it's because of something that happened in your past. If you are scared to love again, it's because of something that happened in your past. If you are scared to eat leftover food, it's because you had a bad experience with it in the past. We become who we are partly because of the past. I don't think that our past defines who we are, but it is a big part of what we have become. I do think you can leave the past in the past...but you have to learn from the experience first and then you can leave it behind you. There are very few things in my past that I regret. For the most part, even though I may have hated the situation I am pretty thankful for my past because it has helped me become the person I am today. I have wondered what we would be like if we didn't experience the things we have experienced in our past. For some they could love and trust a whole lot easier...for some they probably wouldn't be as strong as they are today. I'm beginning to think I'm not making any sense lol. I think it's time for me to end this and try to find my remote. I might get my weekly hit post done tonight as well :) Happy hump day everybody...I know I for one am so ready for the weekend...w00t w00t!

I Wish

I wish a lot of things to be honest, but what I am thinking about tonight is I wish the Lord would tell me up front whether people are entering my life for a season, or if they'd be staying around. I seem to have a consistent shift of people coming and going from my life. It seems like once I become attached to someone whether it be attached as friends or romantically, they leave. Every best friend I make ends up leaving my life or growing apart from me. My best friend in elementary school ended up moving to a different state the year we entered high school. Do you know how hard it is to have to face your first day of high school without your best friend? Then the next best friend (not that my first best friend has been replaced because she is still one of my best friends) I met while working at CSAS. I worked there for 3.5 years and I really enjoyed my friend's friendship. She ended up meeting a guy and they got married and she started not making time for me. Once I quit the school we very rarely speak and I hate that because we had so much in common. I did forget a best friend...it was my preschool best friend. I think we grew apart because once we started kindergarten we didn't see each other very often and we had new friends in our classroom. My last best friend was another real hard one on me. We met in training class and I started hanging out with "the group", maybe I should say outcasts of that class lol but anyways we got to know each other pretty good and talked all the time. Out of everybody in our group we seemed to have the most in common. He ended up saying he couldn't be my friend anymore and that was that. That was another hard one on me because I thought we could be life long friends and for once I would have a really good friend to hang out with that didn't mind Maddy. These aren't the only people that have left my life, but these are the best friends who have left whether it be their choice or someone elses'. As people enter my life I find myself constantly wondering why it is they have come into my life. I'd at least like to know up front whether it's safe to get attached to the person or not lol...is that really too much to ask for? I will just keep my eyes on the Lord and if I end up attached to someone that is only here for a season, then the worst thing that happens is I end up feeling really sad for a little bit. These are my thoughts tonight...

Weekly Hit

So this week's song is Daniel Powter's "Bad Day." I first heard this song on American Idol believe it or not and I just fell in love with the song. Last year I was having a really bad day so I decided to look up the video and thankfully there was one and I almost think the video made the song even better...it is such a cute video. While I am working on letting God handle all of my worries and fears and what nots I resort to music to express how I feel, so if I am having a bad day I put this song on and try to watch the video and I either end up laughing or crying lol. I hope you all enjoy this video as much as I did.

Repeat Info

Ok, so I have posted this all over facebook and all over twitter...I cannot leave out blogger lol. I start my orientation for school on March 28. My enrollment advisor told me it would be 3 weeks long. The good news is there is no grade...I just have to participate in class and turn in my assignments. Oh man...that sounds so weird to me lol. I also found out today that I was originally slated to start this orientation next week...HA!! My old enrollment advisor never informed me of this. I prefer my old enrollment advisor as far as actually speaking to, but my new advisor seems more thorough and like he will get things done. He came across rude at first and I gave the same attitude back...I think he must have realized how he was sounding because he came off his attitude, but he is very dry lol. If I successfully complete this orientation, then I start my actual courses and voila...I will be a college student once again. Whereas I am very excited to start this chapter in my life, I must admit it comes with some other mixed emotions. I am very nervous that I might fail a class which would result me in having to pay for the class up front and I don't have any extra money to spare. I am worried about how I will get everything done with Maddy and work and now school. Soon after starting the process of enrolling with school I did have a semi break down moment with my mom because I thought I would have help from Maddy's dad to help me with her so I could get my assignments done. Once that option was gone I freaked because I don't get any down time as it is. The most I get is once I get off work at 10:00 p.m. and that usually only leaves me an hour if I want to get good sleep. As I cried on the phone with my mom over how I was going to do it all she was able to offer some comfort. My goal is to not ask for any help from anybody. Surely I can get my homework done throughout the week once I get off of work. I don't want to have to depend on anybody for help...especially since I know everybody has their own life to deal with without trying to help me with mine. The good thing about this college is you only do 2 classes at a time and that's considered full time. I do think the devil is trying to make me worry cause as soon as I got off the phone I instantly started having these "worries" crop up and I know worry is not from the Lord. Thankfully my friend Wendy's blog reminded me to let go of the worry and just give it to God. I wish I could just instantly do this all the time, but unfortunately I struggle greatly with this. Her blog not only helped me in my school situation, but it also helped me with work. This week has gone exceptionally well. I have been amazed at how well it has gone. I started to not enjoy the week for fear it would all go away, but I decided to claim the victory in Jesus' name. Today hasn't gone AS well as the other days this week, but instead of stressing out and fretting over it I just decided to let God handle it all and just keep on keepin on until God decides otherwise. Thank you Wendy for your post today on the secrets of marriage. It has really helped me in different ways really. Anyways...I got off track. I think I got all my excitement out for now so you probably won't hear about my school again until I am complaining because it's too much work lol.

Potty Training...Start Your Engines!

I have been so excited lately because whenever Maddy "dirties" her diaper she will look at me and point and say "dirty." I ask her if she is dirty and she says, "Yes." I then proceed to ask her if she needs a new diaper and she says, "Yes." For the most part if she says yes to a new diaper she will not fuss one bit when changing her diaper. She isn't full force ready to start potty training, but she is making steps in that direction. It's a bittersweet moment really. I want her to grow as a person and learn to become independent, but on the other hand I want her to stay my little baby forever. I think I am going to purchase her potty this weekend and put it in the bathroom and whenever I go to the bathroom, she can just sit on her potty and let her get comfortable with it. Once she starts having more and more dry diapers for naps and shows a little more potty training readiness, I will then start the task of potty training. That sounds so weird...I can't believe she is as grown up as she is...where did the time go??

Third Times the Charm

I've been meaning to write this for a while now, but something has prevented me everytime I go to write it. I was trying to think of what I could write about tonight and I was gonna write about mine and Maddy's weekend, but then this hit me so here we are. A few months ago I announced on facebook that Maddy would soon have a new little cousin to play with. We found out that she is going to have a little boy cousin. This is a new concept to me as I had envisioned it being a girl, but it will be a cute little boy.I'm hoping Maddy will adjust to seeing me hold a baby. With baby Aria she always wants me to step away from here lol. I completely understand her feelings on it though because from day one she has always had my undivided attention. She is my world day and night. Maddy is a good little mommy. She always wraps her baby up in a blanket, put her on her tummy, and pat her back until she is asleep. She also loves on her baby and makes sure she has her passy, then puts her back to sleep. I hope since she is growing and learning to play mommy she will be ok with her new little cousin.

Weekly Hit

This week's song actually was not picked based on how I am feeling lol. I am going in abc order and this week was the C turn and this just happened to be the first song up. When Carrie Underwood was on Idol I was rooting for her to win. I thought she would remain a down to earth person and thought she had a really good voice. When she sang this song on the show I immediately fell in love with it. This song says it all...Jesus take the wheel...lead my life. While I am in a rough spot in life right now this song couldn't have come at a more perfect time to remind me to let go and let God. All I can do is my best and He will do the rest. For the record I am not really a big Carrie Underwood fan. I think she has let the fame go to her head and she appears stuck up and snsnobby and I can't stand that. She also doesn't want to be known from American Idol and I think that's really sad cause if it wasn't for the show she wouldn't be where she is today. I wish all celebrities would remain "human" and not let their fame get to them.

blah

I have no real topic to talk about tonight...well...actually that's not entirely true, but I'm not going to just come out and say what I am thinking about tonight lol. I have no idea what is wrong with me...well..I kinda do. Today has just been a horrible day and the worst part about it is I am pretty sure I put the stress on myself. My day got started off wrong because when I dropped Maddy off at daycare this morning, her teacher scooped her up to take her with her to talk on the phone and I didn't get a chance to give her a hug and kiss and tell her I love her and bye and that I'd be back. When I got in my car it was all I could do to keep from boo hooing because I could just see Maddy thinking I would be in her room when she got back and then finding out that I wasn't...I didn't like how that might have made her feel. She may have handled it just fine I don't know, but it's important to me to let her know that I love her and that I'll be back for her. So I fought back tears all the way home. Once I got home and to work it just went downhill from there. I am not handling the stress from my job very well at all. It can't be healthy to stay this tore up all the time. I'm to the point of just throwing in the badge and if need be filing bankruptcy and just start completely over. At one point today I was so ready to do that, but the Lord keeps whispering in my ear the word "perserverance." I know the Lord has everything under control, but knowing that doesn't always make it easier. I definitely had a Job moment today to where I was comparing my life to somebody else's and in my head I was thinking about how I try to live for the Lord and it seems I struggle so much and people who aren't living for the Lord seem to just get stuff handed to them. My life has been nowhere close to easy, but one thing I can say is in every circumstance the Lord has brought me through and I end up a stronger person. There are many ways He has shown that He is leading me and I try to take comfort in that, but right now I just feel so defeated. No matter how hard I try it's just never good enough. I'm so tired of dealing with everybody's thoughts and opinions on how I should handle Maddy I could scream. I am so tired of everybody's thoughts and opinions on my job I could scream. I am so tired of everybody's thoughts and opinions on my relationships I could scream. Is there anything I can do right that makes somebody say, "Hey you're doing a good job." I constantly feel like I am being tugged and pulled on. If I don't do what this person thinks I should do then I'm a horrible mom, or if I do something that person thinks I shouldn't do then I just don't know what I'm doing or I'm being ridiculous...blah blah blah. Now that I have done my complaining and whining I am ready to move on to something a lot more exciting to talk about lol. In the middle of my wanting to just up and quit my job today I got an email from my academic advisor that was was welcoming me to college. The only thing I have left to do is complete a workshop, then I will officially start my classes. I haven't fully decided on how I am going to work school. I am starting out with my associate's that prepares me for a teaching degree. Originally I was going to get my bachelor's degree in teaching so if my daycare doesn't work out I could at least get a job with Hamilton County as a teacher somewhere. When I was enrolling I told my advisor what I was wanting to do and he told me that I might want to consider getting my associates in teaching and then going back and do the business aspect of things since running a daycare involves a lot of business. I had never even thought of that and I do think that's a good idea, but between the two I'd rather have my teaching degree. I saw on tv the other day though that Penn Foster actually has a daycare management type degree and all they require is for me to already have my associate's. So now I am contemplating once I get my associate's degree maybe transferring over to Penn Foster and go through their daycare classes. It's a lot to think about, but for now I will just take it one step at a time and only focus on passing my classes. I am nervous over that because if I fail a class then it ruins my financial aid. That's not adding any pressure at all for me to do well lol. When I got that email today I began to see a small glimmer of light and was so thankful to know there is an end to my current stress at work in sight...it is still a long ways off, but it's at least there. Before I saw no end so it gave me a little relief. I am going to do some research to see what is involved in running a daycare and if they require any degrees. If no degree is required then I may try to start work on getting it started now. It seems like Maddy's daycare owners said from the time they got the idea to start the daycare till the time it opened, it took 5 years. I may be wrong on that though because I know they have been open for 5 years and this year will be 6, but either way it does take time to get everything in place.I know if I can just get a building and loan and all that good stuff that my daycare will do just fine. I feel confident in the ideas that I have in order to make it successful, but the Lord will always be in the center of my daycare. I am starting to pray over my daycare now and I am asking the Lord to go before me and prepare the way. If you know someone who has started a daycare outside of their home and they are willing to give advice, please feel free to comment or email me. I have no idea about how to get things started and can use all the advice there is. I do believe I have made this quite lengthy already, so I will call it a night. Thanks for listening to me whine, this has prevented me from spending the rest of the night crying myself to sleep. I am now going to research daycare's. Good night!

Free Photo Books

Everybody likes free stuff right? I found this incredible offer from Picaboo.com. You get a free photo book that includes 20 pages. You simply click the link in my blog, start creating your book, and voila. I just tried it out and sure enough you get the book free. You do still have to pay for shipping, but it's only $7.99. The book itself costs $39.99 plus tax, which made it $47.98. The offer is good only to new customers of Picaboo and it only goes through March 22, so if you are interested in getting this wonderful deal you better hurry and click the link and get started. I will be looking for more great deals from them and will definitely let you all know what I find. Happy photo-booking :)

Random pics

Well, I do have a few things I could talk about, but I just don't want to right now so I found a cd of pictures in my car and am just now looking through them to see what they are. I am soo excited because it has some pictures from Florida that I thought were gone forever...the water that year, 2008, was so amazing. I bet you are thinking the first pics I show are that of Florida...WRONG!! lol. The first picture I am going to share looks a whole lot like Maddy...this picture is actually a my youngest niece Abby. We were celebrating her birthday at Ryan's and I am guessing she is maybe 3?

I will post a picture of Maddy now so you can try to compare them:

These probably aren't the best pictures to compare too, but they resemble each other a whole whole lot.

This is a picture of Manny as a puppy. He was the cutest little puppy but he kept me up literally every 4 hours! He loved being with me at the apt and would follow me around and try to get me to play. The few times I actually washed dishes(haha)he would always climb up on the dishwasher and try to help me. It was so cute...to this day he will still follow me around the kitchen, but he doesn't try to climb in the dishwasher anymore. I hope someday really soon God would bless me and Maddy with a home of our own.

This is another Maddy look alike..that is Abby again, but I have no idea how old..i guess 2.5

Here I am taking her down the slide...it was hard climbing up there with her in my arms lol. I used to have short hair too...it's so amazing how things change over time.

This is my beautiful niece Sara after she had just gotten her ears pierced. She was 5 and she was so proud of herself for not crying, but you could tell she was in pain.

Well...I think I have shared enough random pics now lol.

Weekly Hit

I wish I could say I have this song in support of the troops over in Iraq. To be honest I ran across this song soon after I got dumped. I was hurting so bad and this song was catchy and made me feel better so I got it. I can say now though that this song is for all the men and women who have served in our military. I cannot imagine what they along with their families go through on a daily basis. It takes a strong and special person to be in the military as well as be a husband or wife to a military person. If you have served in the military, I say thank you for fighting for me and Maddy.