Surrender

Music helps me express myself. I was going through my iTunes yesterday looking for songs that would be appropriate for my life right now. Little humor added here...I titled the playlist breakup tunes. Ok so as I was searching for songs that would help me express my feelings I found this song by Barlowgirl called Surrender. The song starts out with this: "My hands hold safely to my dreams, clutching tightly not one has fallen, so many years I've shaped each one, reflecting my heart, showing who I am, now you're asking me to show, what I'm holding oh so tightly, can't open my hands can't let go." I feel like this song is me in a nutshell at this point in my life. I think losing Maddy's dad still seems so surreal to me. I know it happened, but I still find myself hoping everytime my phone goes off that it's him. Once I realized that it will never be him unless it is something he wants with Maddy, the tears start pouring all over again. Today as I was trying to focus on work all of a sudden I got this urge to text him to say I love you and I grabbed my phone then I quickly realized what I was doing and quickly put my phone back down. I feel so lost right now. As I said in my blog last night everything in my life always included him. With him out of my life it's almost as if I don't quite know what to do. My plans were for us to get married and raise our daughter together...to be a family. Those are the things that I was holding on so tightly to. As I said last night, I know God has a plan for me. Even though I feel so lost I know God knows exactly where I am going. I do feel as if I'm right where the Lord wants me, but it doesn't mean I'm happy about it right this minute. I am hurting so badly right now and I find myself getting so angry at my ownself for even allowing him back into my life after we had been apart for 8 months. I know as time goes on I will look back on this and see that my being sad didn't really last all that long and I'm really hoping that as time goes on I will see that my life is much much better than it would have been had we stayed together. I know I am just rambling and it's not very enjoyable to read two posts that are very similar in topic, but I have to get rid of this pain somehow. How does one get through the days when there is so much pain involved? God is here yes, but that doesn't mean He's going to take the pain away from me. Sometimes it seems so overwhelming and I feel as if I will feel this way forever. I have to find my way in life again and soon. I think going back to school will help me with this. I think the other thing that will help is to keep my eyes focused on the Lord and just take it one step at a time. I have pretty much gone here there and everywhere in this post...as I often say..welcome to my head lol. The whole point in this blog though was because this song has really stood out to me in my current situation. I wasn't ready to let him go...I never wanted to let him go, but God had other plans and I am trying my best to carry on with my life, but I am struggling greatly. I will surrender my entire life to the Lord's will for me. "I will still love you Lord!"