A Rollercoaster Of New Beginnings

This blog is going to be a really hard one for me to write. I have worked so hard to suppress/suck up my real feelings in order to get through and now I am going to talk about it all, which is going to unhash those feelings I've worked so hard to keep to myself. Today my life changed semi-unexpectedly. Me and Maddy's dad have been off and on for a total of two years...this august would have been 3. The longest we have been apart was 8 months and we decided to try to make it work once more I would say the week of Maddy's first birthday. We didn't really tell people we were together because we were always off and on...the only people that really knew were my mom and step dad. We were doing pretty good up until recently. I won't really go into specifics but it boiled down to him deciding for me that I would be better off with someone else. I instantly saw my whole future just go down the drain. Everything I have been working towards has always included him in the picture. We were working on getting to a place where we could get married and that's exactly what I was expecting...I was expecting our family to truly be a family. I felt secure in the fact that I had my partner to help me with Maddy as every mom needs some "mom" time. He comes to visit her every Sunday so I used that time for my mom time which included doing her laundry lol. Now I am left with no support. He was the person I'd go to when Maddy did something neat or cute or if she was pitching a fit that night I'd tell him about it. I'm sure I can still tell him things Maddy does as she is his daughter too, but it's just not the same. So as I was listening or rather sitting in silence I sat there in a daze. In a way I felt like I was dreaming. I want to say I felt numb, but that's not entirely true cause all I felt like doing is completely shutting down and crying my eyes out. I thought about the plans we had made for the spring/summer such as camping and eventually finding a way to get to the beach. Never did I really think I'd go through life without him around. I feel as if I have been kicked to the curb with nothing but the clothes on my back. When I stress out about my job or even worse if I do get fired I don't have that support that says it's ok..we will get through this. I have gone through the day being ok one minute and then have a river of tears the next. The fact of the matter is I know that God has a plan for me...He has since before I was even born. Unfortunately I just don't think His plan includes Maddy's dad. I know there is a possibility that He does have somebody out there for me who will love me and Maddy more than I could ever imagine. I also know that there is a big chance that His plan includes me being single for the rest of my life. I am ok being single. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I wish I wasn't, but I can be content with singleness. Actually, right before I met Maddy's dad I had been having a hard time getting over a break up that happened a year before. I was at church and I just was able to completely give my whole life, including my love life, over to the Lord. That was in May and then in August I met Maddy's dad. I wasn't looking and it did just seem to come to me, so I just knew we would end up together forever. Even though I am in a lot of emotional pain right now from losing her dad, in the midst of it all I feel a sense of peace. I really feel God is right here with me and has been preparing me for a few days. My valentine's gift from my mom was a daily calender that has inspirational quotes about the hard times in life. As soon as I saw what it was my first thought was oh great, I'm about to go through something that this is going to come in handy. I actually expected to get fired that day and who knows..that day is probably coming sooner rather than later as I am still not meeting production. I received a card on valentine's that said, "You are loved" and then I received a letter in the mail on valentine's that said the exact same thing, "You are loved." I didn't think too much about those then, but today I sure did. Soon after we broke up today I received a text message from a friend that said love you buddy. I instantly knew God was going to get me through this tough time. He's not going to take the pain away...that's something that in time will heal. I have to allow myself to cry it out when I feel the need and it's an appropriate time as I will not cry in front of Maddy...or anybody else for that matter. I wait till it's bedtime or when I'm by myself to let my feelings come out. In the midst of this trying to figure out where my new life was heading, I talked to my enrollment advisor to get my application turned in at the University Of Phoenix. I was starting to think maybe I shouldn't do the school thing because I had planned on enlisting Maddy's dad's help if I needed it in order to get my work/studying done but I decided to go through with it because I do want this so bad but also I think it will be a great distraction for me. I don't really need to be alone nor do I need time to just be able to sit and dwell on what has just happened because I would never break out of my sadness. Going back to school is going to be a lot harder than I had originally imagined it would be because I will have to use the times I ask my mom for help very wisely. Even though she has offered to help, I don't feel real comfortable asking for her help because I know she has her own life to deal with without having to be available to help me keep my life going. I ask that if you are reading this you will please pray for me as well as Maddy. It scares me to think of the questions she may ask about her dad as she gets older. I have seen a facebook post where the child asked their mom why nobody loved her (mom) enough to marry her. I don't think Maddy would ask me that question, but I do wonder what questions she will ask about her dad and me. I wonder if I will be strong enough to be able to answer her without crying. I wonder a lot of things actually. One of my friends who actually inspired me to get back into blogging has started a prayer blog. I am going to include a button you can click on that will take you right to that blog and you can see what prayer requests are out there as well as let her know of any prayer needs you may have yourself. I have already reached out to her to add my situation to her prayer blog as this is an extremly rough journey for me and I'm doing my best to hold it together. As I said goodbye to one piece of my life, I said hello to a new piece. Here is the button to the prayer blog. I will post it on the side as well: