Weekly Hits

I actually wasn't going to write tonight, but I had a great idea hit me half way through the day. Some people have a "weekly" something or other on their blog...so why not me? I have decided to do a weekly hit on my blog, which is where I look through my iTunes and post a video of a song and talk about why I have it in my tunes. The first song up is Addison Road All That Matters. I will go ahead and put the video in here and then write below the video as to why I have this song:

The first time I heard this song was on the radio. I love the sound of the music, but once I listened to the lyrics I instantly had to have it. I struggle with my self image a whole lot. This song helps me to remember that my outward appearance means nothing to the Lord, I am beautiful to Him just the way I am...and that's all that matters. There are many times or days that I feel inferior to people and if I can make myself remember this song it helps me to refocus on the Lord and realize that i AM somebody and even if people on earth thought I was ugly it wouldn't matter because the Lord thinks differently. I also know that beauty is on the inside more than the outside...I strive to make sure I am a beautiful person inside and if I succeed in that, it will shine outwardly.

Turning the Page

Believe it or not I am starting to run out of things to talk about. I will probably take a very very short break here soon in order to charge up my thoughts again. I look forward to my nightly posts...it has really helped me to get rid of my stress and worry and give it to the Lord. I'm not completely stress/worry free, but a lot more than I would be if I weren't writing. Life has been so up and down for me for a while now. Not too long ago I was talking about how I felt so lost in life...not in a spiritual way, but in a directional way. I don't really have any idea exactly where I am going, but instead of feeling lost and alone and sad, I'm starting to feel excitement along with a little anxiousness. It's only been a little over a week, but I feel as if I have already turned to a new page in my life and I couldn't be any more thrilled than I am right now. All in all I just want the Lord to drive my life and not me. I kept it short and sweet tonight, but I will add a song of the night video below this. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and enjoy it with the ones you love :)

Bieber Fever?

Oh man...I cannot believe I am even writing this. Over several weeks, Wally from Way-Fm's Total Axxess has had some reports on Justin Bieber. Wally says he is not a Bieber fan, but I am really starting to question him. I will be the first to admit that my first time ever hearing about Justin Bieber I just rolled my eyes and was like yeah whatever. Anytime I heard the name I was just so turned off. After listening to Wally and the song snippet he plays when talking about Justin, I noticed myself liking it more and more. The tune was very catchy and I found myself singing it in my head. I will include the video to the snippet they play on way-fm at the bottom of this post. What really got me a little more interested in Justin was when I heard Wally talking about Justin's mom and how involved she is with his career. I did not know that she hired a traveling tour pastor to go on the road with them. I know just having a tour pastor does not make you a christian, but I give his mom a thumbs up because she is really trying to protect her son from the negative side of "Hollywood." I have been watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition on Hulu to catch up on the episodes I missed and they had a 2 hour special on the Brown family. Long story short they had a daughter that was texting and driving and she ended up going off the road and her truck flipped. She wasn't wearing a seat belt and was ejected from the truck and ended up dying. Her family was left heartbroken and they decided to try to make a difference in other people's lives by showing them what can happen if you text and drive. It is a very heart wrenching story and if I still texted while driving, I would have stopped after seeing this episode. This family also has a 12 year old daughter who is struggling just as much as her parents with her sister's death. This daughter's name is Katrina and she wants to be an actress. Their vacation was to NYC and they had a surprise for Katrina...they brought a few of her friends to NYC and they all got to go see Justin Bieber and hang out with him. After seeing how he handled himself and the situation and what he had to say about it I gained a new respect for him. He seems to be really down to earth as well as a humble human being. As I watched him interact with this family and other fans, he didn't portray that he was this big celebrity and all must bow down to him. He has a pure look to him and his voice. Do I personally have the Bieber fever...I wouldn't really say so. I do like some of his songs and I also have at least some respect for him based off what I have seen and heard so far. I just hope that he stays true to who he is and not let the ways of this world turn him into something he isn't. He has a good message to kids..."Never say never." I was not aware that he got discovered by posting videos of him singing on youtube. I went and checked them out and he has some amazing talent. Not only can he sing, but he can play the drums, piano, and guitar. He is an entertainer and a great dancer as well. He tells everybody to never give up on their dreams cause they can happen and it inspires me on my dream because I do feel that my dream will never happen. I wouldn't say running my own daycare is exactly my dream....it is a part of my dream. I have thought about what exactly my dream is all day today and for a while I couldn't pinpoint exactly what I wanted to do. In a way, I want to be like an extreme makeover, but for kids. This may not even make sense but I would love to go work with a child for a little bit and help build their self esteem or whatever their situation may be and help them turn their lives around. I want to be that safe haven for kids and help change lives one child at a time. I think I would find a lot of enjoyment in working with the make a wish foundation, even though that's not exactly what I am talking about when I say I want to change kids lives. If I had to be a motivational speaker...I'd choose to target daycares and get daycares fired up in running an amazing daycare that provides a safe, loving, and happy environment. I have a few ideas of things that would be meaningful to me, but I have no idea how or where to get started. Bottom line I just know I want to go love on kids and help them see their worth in God's eyes. Anyways, I have gotten way off course here lol. I do believe in dreams coming true...not so sure I believe that same philosophy in terms of love haha. I think if you work hard and pray over your dreams they will eventually happen, but it's all in God's timing. I don't think, however, that striving to accomplish your dream should become number one priority over God OR family/relationships. So this is my take on Justin Bieber...he seems to be a pretty good kid with a good message and has some real talent.

In My Daughter's Eyes

This song says everything there is to say. I can't listen to this song without crying. For Maddy's 1st birthday party, I had her dad make a slideshow of her first year and this is one of the songs I used. If I can find the dvd of the slideshow and figure out how to put it on my blog I will put it on here. There is no way of explaining to someone who doesn't have kids just what a blessing kids are. I have always had a passion for kids and thought I knew for the most part what it would be like having my own, but I really had no clue. Before Maddy was even born she was teaching me things. I will never forget my "aha" moment about how the Lord loves me when I was 7 to 8 months pregnant with her. I was sitting on my bed thinking about her and I was thinking about how there was nothing she could do that would make me love her any less. I thought about all the trouble she could possibly get into and how I would handle it. I knew I would have to discipline her, but it wouldn't be out of hate. It was in that moment that I realized that that is how God feels about us. He loves us unconditionally and when we do mess up, He is there to correct us...out of love. When I realized that I just sat and cried and that moment right there made my relationship with the Lord a lot stronger. Maddy makes me better myself everyday. Just as the song says she keeps me going when I feel like giving up...I can't give up...I don't want to teach her to be a quiter. I can tell you there are many days that I feel so ready to give up, but I see her and know I have to keep fighting...I have to keep giving it my all. I want to be a good/positive influence on her and give her the tools she needs to live a happy and successful life. I want to give her the best...and that doesn't always mean in a financial way. Being financially stable is important I believe, but money doesn't buy happiness...it doesn't define who we are. I want to make sure I spend good quality time with her and make some amazing memories. Today when we went on a walk she turned herself kinda sideways in her stroller so she could me and she was just a talking, so I talked back to her and then started to play with her by barely touching her hand and then quickly pulling my hand away and she just thought that was the funniest thing. So we played that for a little bit and then she added a new twist to it by putting her head down as if she were hiding. I asked where Maddy was and she'd pop her head up and laugh and then want me to get her hand. I'm sure she won't remember that moment, but it's something that will be etched in my memory forever. Another memory I'll have forever is over the weekend I decided to be goofy and she was pushing her shopping cart she has and I'd run towards her and grab it and make it look like she hit me and then I'd run back a little bit and then come running right back towards her...she laughed sooo hard. I'm really not sure I've even heard her laugh as hard as she did that night and my heart was just grinning. There is nothing better then hearing your child laugh, especially when you are the reason why.

Are You There God? It's Me Again, Heather

My week has started out extremely rough. Every time I conquer one problem, another one seems to crop up. One thing I am trying to do is deal with the things that stress me out better. I think my first reaction will always be to panick at first, but as long as I can catch myself and get the worry and stress under control and back in the Lord's hands then i am happy with that. On top of my work issue, I got a phone call from Maddy's daycare stating she was running a fever and that I needed to come get her. My job is not very forgiving when you have to take off. I can't just call in because it does affect my job, but I can't work with Maddy in the house because when she sees mommy she wants mommy. Even if that wasn't the case, my mom is the only person who is able/willing to keep her for me and she has to be at court tomorrow on top of meeting with some out of town people for her job. At this point I'm really not sure how I'm going to do tomorrow, but I'm trying not to worry about it until then...and even then i need NOT worry about it because the Lord has everything under control. I just have to do my best and He will provide the rest. I'm not real sure what's going on with Maddy...she's got a 101 fever, real sleepy, and some gas. I wondered if she had an ear infection when I first got her, but I really have no idea. I will be taking her to the doctor tomorrow unless she miracously(sp?) wakes up with no fever and acts a hundred percent fine. My problems probably don't sound so bad, but because I'm right in the middle of them it seems bad. Well, I just needed to vent or ramble for a little bit and now I'm going to go crash as I am so tired. I hope everybody is having a great week so far!

Move That Bus!

This past week has been pretty neat around the hattanooga/Rossville area. Last Sunday Extreme Makeover:Home Edition surprised a family that lives in Rossville, Ga. Ty Pennington with the rest of the design team was spotted around town and that's just not something that happens around here very often. The only "fame" Chattanooga has gotten recently is from Maci Bookout who was on the MTV show 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom. Hundreds of volunteers have worked around the clock in order to get this beautiful house built in one week. To see the community come together for such a great cause has really touched my heart. I am a fan of the show and I always get so emotional watching each and every episode. I think what the show is doing is simply a fantastic gesture. Nobody knows for sure the exact date this episode will air, it's been said to air sometime in May. There are 22 episodes in this season and the Sharrock family makes #21. Obviously I haven't seen all the footage, but hearing everybody shout, "Move that bus!" gave me such joy and happiness for this family. Then once the bus pulled off and everybody is screaming and shouting and clapping and the family is just standing there looking at their brand new house it just makes a person want to cry. I will be very anxious to see this air on tv to see how everything came together. I am so glad the community was willing to put their own lives on hold for a week and give this family something that was much needed. I'm hoping that by this experience, it will stir the community to help other people in need as often as they can. Remember, life shouldn't revolve around you...try putting other's needs before your own. I will end by saying, "Bus driver...MOVE THAT BUS!"
The sign says it all.: Extreme Makeover Photo - WTVC NewsChannel 9: Chattanooga News, Weather, Radar, Sports, Lottery

W@H

I have come to a realization lately over working from home. It truly is a wonderful thing to have a job that allows you to work from home. I want to say that I would not change my working from home for anything. I know I am very fortunate to be able to do this and I don't take it for granted in the least. I have, however, come up with a con list as far as working from home is concerned. Maddy's play room is in the same room as my so called office. For the longest time I wondered why I wanted to be anywhere but that room. She was always wanting to play in there in the beginning and I let her, but inside I was like can we please play somewhere else. A few weeks ago it hit me that I don't want to be in there because I am in there for 40 hours out of the week and sometimes more. I want to stay out of that room whenever I'm not working because it is really starting to feel like I can't escape from work. Another con is the fact that you don't get to get out of work like people in the office do. When we had all that snow and my company closed the office, work at home people were still expected to log in and work. The problem for me is especially since I am on production, I can't keep Maddy home and get my work done. Even when I have someone watching Maddy for me, she doesn't let me work for very long because from day one she has always had my undivided attention for the most part. My manager was willing to work with me and allow me to make up the time I lost, but it was extremely hard and exhausting to get all my time in. Another con is when the system goes down instead of being able to clock "downtime" as they call it, work at home people have to log off. I am forever having to make up time for some reason or another and it's starting to get really old. Today for lunch I was supposed to do my six week abs workout but I literally had no strength or motivation to even think about working out. I was confused as to why I felt that way because working out has always been fun to me. I felt sad and had no reason why. At first I was just going to lay down since I had such trouble going to sleep last night, but I didn't want to do that either. It finally hit me to take advantage of the nice weather and so I got my iPod and decided to go for a walk. Just getting out of the house did wonders for me. I was in a way dreading the weekend..not because I'd rather be at work, but there was just something that was making me not be so happy that the weekend was here. It hit me on my walk that I am starting to feel trapped at home and it's mainly because work has been so stressful for a while now and I just can't escape my work because my work is my home right now. On the weekends I am always trying to think of things to do away from home and it's because I am trying to escape my work and destress as much as possible. The only thing is funds is very limited for me. Finding free things to do that Maddy will enjoy while it is cooler is next to impossible. If you have any ideas on things we could do please share with me.

Maddy

I was so proud of Maddy today. She is very independent and when we walk, she doesn't want to hold your hand. When I pick her up from daycare I always carry her to the car cause otherwise we will stay at the daycare until they close or she will pitch a fit if I don't go the way she wants to go or if I hold her hand. The past couple of days she has fussed when it was time to leave because she was wanting to walk. The first time I still carried her. I decided that since it was Friday I would try to let her walk to the car. She started out wanting to go down the hall and I just quickly grabbed her hand and told her, "No we have to go this way." Surprisingly she actually followed me with no problems. We made it to the door, then she wanted to take off running, so I once again grabbed her hand and she made herself fall down and cry for just a second. I picked her back up and she continued right on to the car. I was so proud of her. I have tried this before, but she pitched a fit the entire time and wouldn't get up and walk. Once she realized she had to get in the car instead of exploring outside she wasn't a happy camper and once again made herself fall down. I picked her up and loved on her and she just put her head down on my shoulder. I think the real problem was she was sleepy but even with her being tired she did so good. With the weather getting warmer I am going to start working with her at home about listening to what I am saying as well as teaching her that sometimes we have to hold mommy's hand. I tried this last weekend, but chose a really bad time to let her have her outside time. She was beyond tired and just pitched a fit over any and everything. I am really trying to work on her vocabulary as well. She understands so much more than she can say. She's not behind in her talking by any means, but there are a few words I really want to try to teach her. She can say "mama", "nana" "doggie" "toaby" "misty" "dada" "bye bye" "night night" "bottle" "drink" "bite bite" "more" "bath" She can say all these things, but she doesn't necessarily use them all the time. She doesn't call me "mama". She just goes "uh....uh" if she is wanting something and points. The one thing she says ALL the time is more, more. I'm trying to get her to call me mommy. She will repeat what I say and she even said her own name...it was so cute. I did teach her something about the word mommy unknowingly. In hoping she would correlate me to the word I was pointing to myself as I said "mama" so now if she says mama she will point to herself. I think it's so cute. I do think there have been a few times here and there she has called me mama, I actually think she did that tonight on our walk but some of her sounds sound like the same thing. For example, when she wants more of something she says, "mo mo" and I am wondering if there have been times when she was saying mama but I thought she was saying more. If I'm not sure what she is saying I always asked if she wanted more and did the sign. Well, anytime you ask her if she wants more she is going to immediately start saying more as she does the sign. Her "hi" and "bye" sound very similar to each other as well as "night night" "bite bite" and "bye bye" I have working hard in trying to teach her to say love you, but I don't think she's quite ready for that yet. She listens very intently right now when I say that. As I change her diaper I say "love you" a whole lot. I know that any day now she will pop up saying "love you" with all the listening she is doing with it. I don't cram a bunch of words her way..right now there are 2 things i'm working on on a consistent basis..."mama" and "love you" She is so super smart and even her teacher sees just how smart she is. I wish I could claim this trait, but I think she is going to have her daddy's brains. He is very book smart and I think Maddy will be as well. I just really hope she learns common sense and can be "people" smart as well. The picture on this blog is a picture I took while she was at school. We are both so ready for it to be warm every day. We took a walk around the neighborhood the past 2 nights and she has loved it. She absolutely loves being outside as do I. Last summer we took many walks, but she was in her stroller...this summer...I'm not so sure that will fly with her. I'm hoping she will still take walks in her stroller as long as she gets to roam around plenty too. I'm also really hoping she will stay in the pool longer this year than she did last year. I'm really not sure she will...I actually think she will not last as long as she did last year since she is able to motivate on her own. I am really hoping we get to go to the beach this year, even if it's just for a weekend. I'd much rather stay the week though...I haven't stayed a week in Florida in years. I am working on a way to get us to the beach now and I think I have a really good plan and it can happen, but I really don't want to take her alone. I know I could do it if I had to, but I'd have a really hard time getting luggage to the room..actually for startes it'd be hard checking in because she would want down and would pitch a fit cause I obviously couldn't put her down, then the luggage, then there's the whole dining by myself thing. Anyways, all in all I just wanted to brag on Maddy in this post. She is so sweet and loving and I love her so much! It seems like as time goes on we just seem to bond more and more. I'm really hoping to get more followers on my blog so if you know anybody that might be interestd in hearing my rambling please send them my way. I'd also like to hear from other mom's on any tips they have to share as far as raising kids...especially single parents. If you have any tips on traveling with a toddler I'm all ears on that as well.

The Upside of Things

I had so many other things that I was gonna blog about tonight...btw, I really don't like the word blog lol. I was going to talk about Maddy, although I must admit now that I can't remember what I was going to say about her. I was going to give my opinion on the show Teen Mom. I was going to talk about how I was feeling today. These were going to be three seperate blogs..I know crazy right? Well, the calender thing that my mom got me for Valentine's day...I realized I hadn't read what the thought of the day was for today. Before I tell you what it says, I will give a brief description of my day. I decided to get smart and see what I need to make production wise for today and tomorrow in order to meet for the week. I was a little stressed over it, especially since I basically have no work. I came with the attitude that i WOULD meet production and I'm happy to say that I actually went a little over what I had to do in order to meet, so if I can meet tomorrow then I will have succeeded and no emails from my manager. Anyways, I still feel a sense of sadness over the breakup, but I was able to focus a lot more at work and I actually only ended up having one crying spell. I feel as if I am ok with my life moving in the direction it is even though I have no idea where I'm really going. I still have moments where I want to text him or tell him something, but that is starting to go away. I do find myself thinking about him almost every minute of the day and I think I will do that for a while before it starts to go away. I woke up this morning with a little regret over last night's blog but decided it was good for me to tell how exactly how I was feeling and I really believe it is going to help me heal a lot faster than if I just kept that to myself. So that is my day in a nutshell. After I got done with work I saw my calender laying on the floor. I decided to read today's thought and instantly knew that was God talking directly to me. It says, "Don't worry about seeing or understanding what the future holds. God wants you to trust Him as He leads you, even though you can't see clearly ahead. And don't be overly concerned about fully comprehending the past. Only He knows the whole truth about it, anyway. You have Him now. He is your light. And that's all that matters." My analytical mind starts to instantly have questions such as what does it mean for me when it says, "don't be overly concerned about fully comprehending the past. Only He knows the whole truth about it, anyway." It may mean absolutely nothing, but it also might mean something. For now I am just going to say it means that my thoughts were right in the beginning, I just don't know the full details. If that is the case then I know I will be 100% ok. I think I will read this over and over because it really pertains to my situation. I want to be in the center of God's will and I plan on keeping my focus on Him, and Maddy of coarse. This inspirational thought has just made me so happy because I am feeling hope again. Even though I feel completely lost in life it's a nice reminder that God is leading me and all I have to do is trust Him. That sounds so easy, but it's not always so easy because we don't see the big picture like He does. I am so thankful that the Lord is in control of my life. I just want to end saying thank you Lord for loving me and guiding me and being patient with me. I definitely can't see the road ahead of me very clear, but I will do my best to put 100% of my trust in you.

6 week six pack

So my valentine present to myself was Jillian Michaels 6 week six pack. I had my eye on the dvd for a while now and was surprised to find that it was only $7.99 at WalGreens. I have a couple of Jillian Michaels dvd's and let me tell you...they are hard! I thought this workout wouldn't be as hard since it focus' on the abs...boy was I ever wrong. You get a cardio workout while you are working your abs. Not only was my stomach sore, but my legs were killing me the next day. I've only completed 2 days and would like to see the 6 weeks through to see what kind of shape I can get my abs back in. Before having Maddy I had a pretty good core. I didn't have a six-pack and I'm really not sure I want a six-pack, but it was toned. After having Maddy, it's pretty much like a bowl of jelly lol. I'm hoping this workout will help me get my stomach back as much as I possibly can.

Surrender

Music helps me express myself. I was going through my iTunes yesterday looking for songs that would be appropriate for my life right now. Little humor added here...I titled the playlist breakup tunes. Ok so as I was searching for songs that would help me express my feelings I found this song by Barlowgirl called Surrender. The song starts out with this: "My hands hold safely to my dreams, clutching tightly not one has fallen, so many years I've shaped each one, reflecting my heart, showing who I am, now you're asking me to show, what I'm holding oh so tightly, can't open my hands can't let go." I feel like this song is me in a nutshell at this point in my life. I think losing Maddy's dad still seems so surreal to me. I know it happened, but I still find myself hoping everytime my phone goes off that it's him. Once I realized that it will never be him unless it is something he wants with Maddy, the tears start pouring all over again. Today as I was trying to focus on work all of a sudden I got this urge to text him to say I love you and I grabbed my phone then I quickly realized what I was doing and quickly put my phone back down. I feel so lost right now. As I said in my blog last night everything in my life always included him. With him out of my life it's almost as if I don't quite know what to do. My plans were for us to get married and raise our daughter together...to be a family. Those are the things that I was holding on so tightly to. As I said last night, I know God has a plan for me. Even though I feel so lost I know God knows exactly where I am going. I do feel as if I'm right where the Lord wants me, but it doesn't mean I'm happy about it right this minute. I am hurting so badly right now and I find myself getting so angry at my ownself for even allowing him back into my life after we had been apart for 8 months. I know as time goes on I will look back on this and see that my being sad didn't really last all that long and I'm really hoping that as time goes on I will see that my life is much much better than it would have been had we stayed together. I know I am just rambling and it's not very enjoyable to read two posts that are very similar in topic, but I have to get rid of this pain somehow. How does one get through the days when there is so much pain involved? God is here yes, but that doesn't mean He's going to take the pain away from me. Sometimes it seems so overwhelming and I feel as if I will feel this way forever. I have to find my way in life again and soon. I think going back to school will help me with this. I think the other thing that will help is to keep my eyes focused on the Lord and just take it one step at a time. I have pretty much gone here there and everywhere in this post...as I often say..welcome to my head lol. The whole point in this blog though was because this song has really stood out to me in my current situation. I wasn't ready to let him go...I never wanted to let him go, but God had other plans and I am trying my best to carry on with my life, but I am struggling greatly. I will surrender my entire life to the Lord's will for me. "I will still love you Lord!"

A Rollercoaster Of New Beginnings

This blog is going to be a really hard one for me to write. I have worked so hard to suppress/suck up my real feelings in order to get through and now I am going to talk about it all, which is going to unhash those feelings I've worked so hard to keep to myself. Today my life changed semi-unexpectedly. Me and Maddy's dad have been off and on for a total of two years...this august would have been 3. The longest we have been apart was 8 months and we decided to try to make it work once more I would say the week of Maddy's first birthday. We didn't really tell people we were together because we were always off and on...the only people that really knew were my mom and step dad. We were doing pretty good up until recently. I won't really go into specifics but it boiled down to him deciding for me that I would be better off with someone else. I instantly saw my whole future just go down the drain. Everything I have been working towards has always included him in the picture. We were working on getting to a place where we could get married and that's exactly what I was expecting...I was expecting our family to truly be a family. I felt secure in the fact that I had my partner to help me with Maddy as every mom needs some "mom" time. He comes to visit her every Sunday so I used that time for my mom time which included doing her laundry lol. Now I am left with no support. He was the person I'd go to when Maddy did something neat or cute or if she was pitching a fit that night I'd tell him about it. I'm sure I can still tell him things Maddy does as she is his daughter too, but it's just not the same. So as I was listening or rather sitting in silence I sat there in a daze. In a way I felt like I was dreaming. I want to say I felt numb, but that's not entirely true cause all I felt like doing is completely shutting down and crying my eyes out. I thought about the plans we had made for the spring/summer such as camping and eventually finding a way to get to the beach. Never did I really think I'd go through life without him around. I feel as if I have been kicked to the curb with nothing but the clothes on my back. When I stress out about my job or even worse if I do get fired I don't have that support that says it's ok..we will get through this. I have gone through the day being ok one minute and then have a river of tears the next. The fact of the matter is I know that God has a plan for me...He has since before I was even born. Unfortunately I just don't think His plan includes Maddy's dad. I know there is a possibility that He does have somebody out there for me who will love me and Maddy more than I could ever imagine. I also know that there is a big chance that His plan includes me being single for the rest of my life. I am ok being single. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I wish I wasn't, but I can be content with singleness. Actually, right before I met Maddy's dad I had been having a hard time getting over a break up that happened a year before. I was at church and I just was able to completely give my whole life, including my love life, over to the Lord. That was in May and then in August I met Maddy's dad. I wasn't looking and it did just seem to come to me, so I just knew we would end up together forever. Even though I am in a lot of emotional pain right now from losing her dad, in the midst of it all I feel a sense of peace. I really feel God is right here with me and has been preparing me for a few days. My valentine's gift from my mom was a daily calender that has inspirational quotes about the hard times in life. As soon as I saw what it was my first thought was oh great, I'm about to go through something that this is going to come in handy. I actually expected to get fired that day and who knows..that day is probably coming sooner rather than later as I am still not meeting production. I received a card on valentine's that said, "You are loved" and then I received a letter in the mail on valentine's that said the exact same thing, "You are loved." I didn't think too much about those then, but today I sure did. Soon after we broke up today I received a text message from a friend that said love you buddy. I instantly knew God was going to get me through this tough time. He's not going to take the pain away...that's something that in time will heal. I have to allow myself to cry it out when I feel the need and it's an appropriate time as I will not cry in front of Maddy...or anybody else for that matter. I wait till it's bedtime or when I'm by myself to let my feelings come out. In the midst of this trying to figure out where my new life was heading, I talked to my enrollment advisor to get my application turned in at the University Of Phoenix. I was starting to think maybe I shouldn't do the school thing because I had planned on enlisting Maddy's dad's help if I needed it in order to get my work/studying done but I decided to go through with it because I do want this so bad but also I think it will be a great distraction for me. I don't really need to be alone nor do I need time to just be able to sit and dwell on what has just happened because I would never break out of my sadness. Going back to school is going to be a lot harder than I had originally imagined it would be because I will have to use the times I ask my mom for help very wisely. Even though she has offered to help, I don't feel real comfortable asking for her help because I know she has her own life to deal with without having to be available to help me keep my life going. I ask that if you are reading this you will please pray for me as well as Maddy. It scares me to think of the questions she may ask about her dad as she gets older. I have seen a facebook post where the child asked their mom why nobody loved her (mom) enough to marry her. I don't think Maddy would ask me that question, but I do wonder what questions she will ask about her dad and me. I wonder if I will be strong enough to be able to answer her without crying. I wonder a lot of things actually. One of my friends who actually inspired me to get back into blogging has started a prayer blog. I am going to include a button you can click on that will take you right to that blog and you can see what prayer requests are out there as well as let her know of any prayer needs you may have yourself. I have already reached out to her to add my situation to her prayer blog as this is an extremly rough journey for me and I'm doing my best to hold it together. As I said goodbye to one piece of my life, I said hello to a new piece. Here is the button to the prayer blog. I will post it on the side as well:

My Valentine

For Valentine's day me and Maddy pretty much just hung out. As you all know I made her heart donuts, but she wasn't too interested in eating it this morning. I didn't think she would as her eating habits are changing just a little. I do think her teeth are hurting her pretty bad and that is causing the appetite change. I dressed her in her valentine shirt that says, "Sweet Little Valentine." Maddy didn't have a normal dinner tonight. I want to say that I have never done this as I am all about making healthy food choices for her within reason, but tonight she got to eat whatever she wanted. She wasn't real hungry and mostly ate a bunch of junk. She had a chocolate cupcake, a few m&m's, a little corn, a bite of a mini oreo, but the thing she loved the most was gummy worms. I think they felt good on her teeth..kinda like a teether, but with flavor so she wanted to keep eating those. I also got her a teddy bear that sings "Cutie Pie Honey Bunch" I wanted to get this dog that sang and moved, but it was $10 and I just didn't think it was worth the money so i went with the less expensive thing, but this gift had more meaning to me. When my oldest niece Sara was little, I used to change up songs...not like a full parody, but just a word here or a word there. One of the songs I used to sing was "Cutie Pie Honey Bunch" and when it says, "I can't help myself, I love you and nobody else" I change the you with her name. It ended up being "I can't help myself, I love Sara and nobody else" She used to think it was so funny and really in truly I think it made her feel special. So I did the same thing tonight with Maddy although she's not at the age to where she understands that mommy isn't singing all the right words, but she still smiled when it played. After going through all the yummy goodies we danced a little to her teddy bear and then just explored the house. We had the house to ourselves tonight because my mom and step dad went and did their own valentine celebration. I have pictures, but don't have my camera nearby so I will have to post them later. I will admit that I had a few moments where I felt a little sad because even though I'm not the biggest fan of this day, it would still feel nice to be taken out to a nice dinner and treated a little more special than just any other day. After thinking in fantasy land for like 30 seconds or so I quickly snapped out and tried to make the most out of it. I'm disappointed in myself though for not doing more festive things with Maddy. I at least did better this year than I did last year. Last year I just got her a small stuffed animal the day before and put a bib on her and that was that. I know she won't remember today, but I still would have liked to have done more valentiny stuff with her. I am very curious as to what everybody else did for today or maybe you celebrated over the weekend. I'm sure a ton of people have gotten engaged today...in fact I already saw one person on facebook that got engaged tonight. I think that's sweet, but I think I still prefer to be engaged on Christmas Eve. If you're single, how did you get through this "single awareness" day as I have heard several people call it? My throat is starting to get sore and I am starting to feel a little blah so I think now is a good time to say goodnight. Happy Heart Day everybody!

First

So tonight I did something for the first time as sad as it is going to sound. I actually "baked" something. I have cooked before, but never baked. Luckily for me what I wanted to do was super easy. I'm not a typical woman in the fact that I just love to cook, but I do have a very odd fascination with cookbooks lol. I actually don't mind cooking at all, it's just the cleaning afterwards that I hate so much. So anyways, my mom does a lot of baking...mostly cakes. She makes all the cakes in our family and does a wonderful job. My favorite bakery around town is Federal Bake Shop over in Hixson and she has pretty much perfected her recipie to taste like theirs. Anyways, since she makes a lot of cakes throughout the year she is always finding cute things she can make things with. Apparently I have instilled in my oldest cousin to like hearts like me...I don't really know why she has chosen heart cakes these past couple of years but I like to say it's because of me lol. My mom found this awesome heart doughnut pan from the Sugar Shoppe, located on East Brainerd Road. I've been racking my brain trying to come up with fun things me and Maddy can do to celebrate Valentine's day. I am a very festive person so even if I'm not real big on the holiday, I still like to do celebrate. I got the idea to make Maddy Valentine doughnuts for breakfast. All you do is mix a few ingredients together, mix them in a mixer and spoon them into the pan. They only take about 5 minutes to bake. If you like cake doughnuts I highly recommend you try these. It gives you the recipie and even includes a glaze recipie. The pan is by Wilton's and it is $9.99 I do believe. I will post a few pictures of the plain and semi-decorated ones.

Having Fun On a Sun-day

I have felt like celebrating a good bit of the day today. Before I had Maddy I was a regular church goer. I looked forward to going and was very eager to learn more about God. After I had Maddy, I pretty much quit going. In the beginning it was because she wasn't supposed to be out in public for the first 6 weeks. Being a first time mom I wanted to stick to all the rules for fear of her getting sick. I did take her out every now and then, but not a very often. Her 6 weeks came and went, but my sleep was still far far away. It's definitly not a good excuse to not go, but it just fell into a habit of not going. I tried taking her once she was anywhere between 4 and 6 months. That time didn't work out at all...she screamed the entire time due to her having some major belly problems. I remember freaking out because no matter what I did she couldn't get comfortable and just cried nonstop. I had so many people make comments and whereas some probably were just trying to make me feel better, I felt like I was under a microscope. After that day I decided church just wasn't an option until Maddy got older. I know it seems so simple to say why not just stick her in the nursery. I didn't feel comfortable doing that because I didn't know the workers. At this point she wasn't even in daycare so I had never had to seperate from her. Once she was around 7 months I decided to try church again. This time she had no belly problems, but she decided she wanted to talk and it was always once it got super quiet and I ended up getting a few looks. The only way I could go to church was to keep her outside in the hall, but that was pointless because for some reason they didn't keep the speaker on out there so I could still hear the message. I wanted to go last week and put her in children's church/nursery, but I left it open and I ended up not getting up and enjoyed sleeping in till 8:30. I was so disappointed with myself too because before she was ever born I had it set in my mind that she would grow up in church and that was not happening at all. So all week this week I had it in my mind that there is no sleeping in and we were going to church no matter what. I had to tell myself all week, and come Saturday I set my alarm for 6:30 and made it a done deal. I ended up waking up at 5:40 this morning...Maddy woke up for a second and I just never went back to sleep for fear that I wouldn't want to get up once my alarm went off. I don't even get up that early for work. I laid in bed till 7 and then I jumped up to hurry and get ready cause Maddy is usually up by 7:30. I got the idea to curl my hair and fix myself up which I hadn't done in I can't tell you when. Getting ready ran like clock work. Maddy didn't wake up until I was ready to get her, my hair did a fantastic job of curling (I have to say again that I LOVE my flat iron!). Here is how my hair ended up...it ended up frizzing a little, but I think it is from my inexperience hehe.

Once we got to church I got Maddy signed in. The name of her class was Friendly Frogs. I thought she was going to pitch a fit, but amazingly enough she went right to the woman that was working. She had a confused look on her face as I walked away, but not once did she cry. The entire service I sat there wondering how she was doing and what she was doing. Luckily for first time parents they give you a pager that they can page you if they need you. Once church was over I went to get her. It was so funny. I couldn't see her when I walked up and the lady was like she just sat down and next thing I know I see her little head turn around from the glider they have in there. As soon as she saw me she started crying. At first I was like oh no...she doesn't want to leave and I got a little nervous, but she started walking to me and threw her arms up. Apparently she didn't fully realize I had left until she saw me come back. I think going to church confused her a little because it's not part of her routine number 1 and number 2 it was a completely new place, but yet very similar to daycare.I am so happy for her though that she seems to make friends super easy and is just a social butterfly. With it being as (kinda) nice as it was I decided to let her play outside some. If it wasn't for the cold cold wind it would have been a gorgeous day. She is like her mama and LOVES being outside. At home she just walks around and probably would stay out there all day if I would let her. Here are some pictures of her playing outside...

After playing outside, and taking a nap in the car, it was time to eat some "bite bites" It is amazing to me the things that Maddy likes to eat...she is not picky at all and likes things that I don't. Tonight she ate some meat sticks from Gerber and beets. Here are a few pics of dinner...

Maddy is using her sign language she learned from daycare and saying "all done in this picture" The other signs she knows is "more" and "please" She has done thank you one time for me, but it's not something she uses constantly.

After dinner it was time to play just a little more before starting our bedtime routine. Maddy loves playing in the kitchen. As with any toddler she loves exploring in the cabinets. Today she got smart and decided to take some of the tupperware out and make a spot for her to sit in. Luckily I still had my camera handy and was able to get a few shots...

I have some video on my phone of Maddy playing in the tub that I want to try to post on here, but I don't feel like fooling with it right this second so hopefully later I can edit this and add the video. To some our day may sound boring or like it is no life at all, but I have had a great day and I really hope Maddy did too. I would not trade Maddy for the world <3

Dreams Come True

Today has been one more emotional day for me. This week I have been so stressed out at work. Work volume for me has been super low, which isn't good when you are in a production environment. I have cried out to God and prayed that He would help me in this rough time. I can't do it on my own that's for sure. I have been thinking of going back to school for the last 2 years. Actually, right before I found out I was pregnant...I was considering going back to get my child's psychology degree. Once I found out I was pregnant I quickly let go of that dream because with a new baby on the way plus work, the last thing I needed was a whole bunch of debt as well as something to take my time. I was completely ok with that because I have always dreamed of being a mom, only my dream was me being married and doing things God's way. Once Maddy turned a year old I tried getting back in school. My plan was to do an online program through Chatt State and go as far as I could in early childhood education. My FAFSA was processed and I paid the application fee and everything. Only problem is I had to go in to take a placement test before I could do anything else. That posed a problem for me because I didn't have anybody that would take care of Maddy for me so I could go or so I could finish up my work so my dreams of starting my own daycare got let down and life went on. Recently I started thinking about going back to school, except this time I decided to look into University Of Phoenix. To my surprise they have an all online teaching degree. I got so excited and immediately renewed my FAFSA and tried to fill out an application. Either I am not so smart or they make it to where you can't fill out an application unless you have an advisor helping you. I dismissed the idea again of going back to school, until today. My day got started off rough cause I had to log in earlier than I should have in order to try to get most of my time done today. I had absolutely no work and when you ask for work like you are supposed to, the lady that gives you work acts like you shouldn't be needing any work and it feels like I have to pull teeth to get anything. I had a weird number call my phone and it looked somewhat familiar..I actually thought it was Maddy's doctor or something for Maddy so I decided to answer. I NEVER answer numbers I don't know but when I did today I was greatly surprised to hear who it was. It was my enrollment advisor. At first I was like oh great..I never should have answered this call cause I am on production and already am struggling so I sat there and listened and rolled my eyes and was fully prepared to just get off the phone. I ended up listening and decided to take it serious. I asked the questions I had which weren't that many and the rest of the hour or so I spent listening to him try to sell me on their school. Little did he know that I did all my research of the school before even attempting to apply so he could have saved his spill. I honestly think he truely was trying to keep me on the phone as long as possible to keep him from having to do other work..he did mention that. So half way through the phone call, I heard this little voice say, "This is from me" I can't remember verbatim what was said but basically it was God letting me know that what was happening was a God thing. When I realized I just started smiling and almost told him to please just go through the application process right then and right there. I didn't because it's a little overwhelming when I stop and think about it and if I think about the big picture it will cause me to shut down because I see so many huge hurdles I will have to jump over to reach my dream. Before I go into more detail about my dream I just want to say that my advisor is supposed to be calling me Tuesday at 2:00 to fill out the application and any other steps involved in enrolling at the school. I just ask that you please say a prayer for me. I hate talking on the phone number 1 but number 2 this is a new beginning/new chapter in my life and whereas I welcome the change, I still get very nervous over change. I do the what if scenario. I'm so scared that I won't be able to juggle work, home, and school and I'm even more scared that I will not be smart enough to pass my classes. I did go to UTC for a semester right after high school and I greatly struggled with the classes. I didn't spend a lot of time studying so I'm hoping I can learn from my mistakes. Ok, so what is my dream? I have always loved kids for as long as I can remember. For the longest time, I wanted to be a teacher. I think once I reached high school I had switched my mind to wanting to be a nutritionist and that is what I went to UTC for. I think my love for kids stems from my own childhood. When I think about my childhood, I immediately feel a sense of sadness. My dad was verbally abusive to me and made me feel like I was stupid and a nobody and no matter how hard I tried to please him I couldn't. I never got the encouragement I needed and there were many times he embarrassed me in front of people. To this day I struggle with feeling like a nobody as well as other things that I choose to keep private for now. I'm not writing this as a pity party or for people to feel sorry for me. That is the last thing I want. Whereas I know what my dad did was wrong, I still see a lot of good that came from it. Ok, maybe not a lot of good, but some good. I have always wanted to work with children...small children in particular and just love on them...make them feel special...share Jesus Christ with them. I want them to know that no matter what is said or done to them, Jesus loves them for who they are and that they are not alone. What I want to do sounds more like a social worker type job, however, there is no way I could handle being a social worker because I would stay in a constant state of depression. I actually watched a movie today called "The Christmas Hope" that was about a social worker and I cried like a baby throughout the whole movie..right off the bat it makes you cry and it's the type of movie that you just don't stop crying after that first sad moment. Ok back on topic here lol. I knew I didn't really want to be a teacher. For some reason I stayed stuck on working in a daycare. I've never worked in a daycare because everybody knows daycare workers don't get paid very much and I need a job that is going to meet the needs of my bills. After having Maddy and putting her in daycare, I have obviously become a lot more familiar with the daycare world. I have had some experiences with daycares that have made me furious. The first daycare I put her in was Kids R Kids in Hixson. It has potential to be a wonderful facility, but the director is young and just doesn't really care. They have cameras all over the building so you can see what goes on with your child, which is why I chose them. The teacher in Maddy's class chose to stand around and talk to the next door teacher all day and didn't seem to pay attention too much with the kids. There was no interaction with any of the babies other than to move them to a new center or to feed or change them. The teacher never smiled or gave Maddy any tummy time. They also didn't feed Maddy properly meaning they didn't give her enough time to finish her bottle. I ended up pulling her out of that daycare because the lack of care being given was not worth $185 a week. She is currently in Tree Of Knowledge Learning Center. That facility is like top dog as far as what they offer. It is a christian based daycare and I love the information they gave me on their facility, but they too are lazy in their jobs. I will say the director does care a lot more than Kids R Kids director did. In that sense Tree Of Knowledge is much better. There is interaction with the kids from the teachers. I'm still not that happy with them though. If I'm going to pay them $196 a week..I expect wonderful things from them. I don't feel her teacher's put forth 100% effort. Maddy got her fingers smushed in a closet and she still has scabs on her 2 fingers from that and I was told there was 3 teacher's in that room when it happened. The center itself isn't always up to code in their licensing. What I mean is they don't do or have what they are supposed to have according to their STARS license or whatever that is called. They play favorites...if you are a favorite parent then your child gets taken care of better than if you aren't. They do treat new parents with great attention but once you aren't new anymore you're either a favorite or you're not. Basically that facility isn't being all they could be. I want to provide a daycare where the workers are not lazy, where there is an excellent curriculum in place, that is christian based and the kids truly were treated as if they were our own. I want to provide a top notch, loving daycare that boosts self esteem and is a happy, positive experience. Whereas I am just now getting into school, it's still a step towards seeing my dream become a reality. I am asking for your prayers in this endeavor. I can't put into words all that I want to do, mainly because it deals with emotions and I can't make this sound how I really feel inside, so it'll be one of those things where I hope I can show you later on. Kids are my passion...always have been, always will be.

Herstyler

I've been meaning to write this after Christmas, but never got around to it. I wanted to talk about this amazing flat iron I got called Herstyler. I first learned of the herstyler 2, well...3 years ago at the mall. I was pregnant and headed to get me a bathing suit and got suckered into stopping by this woman at the kiosk. She curled my hair and told me it would stay that way all day and no hair spray was needed. I was amazed at the curl I was seeing because I have very fine hair and my hair doesn't curl very easily. The only problem was it was like $200. I didn't have that kind of money so off I went. I had thought off and on about it, but I didn't know what kind it was and figured it wouldn't get much cheaper. Well last year I decided to google it and found out it was probably a Herstyler. I watched all kinds of youtube videos and did a lot of research on it. I was sold and planned on trying to buy it for myself. I went to amazon.com to see if they had the one I wanted and they sure did. Purple is my favorite color and I wanted the professional kind and voila. I'm not sure how much was paid for it since it was a Christmas gift, but the one I was going to buy was $50. Being a mom on the go this comes in real handy if I want to fix my hair up. I've only used it about 2 to 3 times. It took me 30 minutes to get all of my hair curled and I have pretty long hair. I think I could do it in 15 minutes if I could get in a rhythm and be better at getting the back of my hair done...I've always had a hard time getting my hair in the back to look decent. I only have the pics from Christmas with my hair being curly so I will repost a few so you can see. Please keep in mind that we had all that snow so it doesn't look as good as it could, but with no hair spray on top of snow falling down my hair stayed pretty curly. This was with no hair spray as well. Want to learn more about this wonderful product? Just click the picture at the bottom of my post.

Labor Of Love

It seems that everybody is pregnant these days. I don't mean that to sound like a bad thing, it's a very exciting thing. I have struggled here and there ever since Maddy was around 10 months of wanting another baby. I'm not in a position to be having another one right now, or maybe ever for that matter...only the Lord knows that one. In the meantime, I'm enjoying hearing of everybody's pregnancy stages and I find myself reflecting back on when I was pregnant with Maddy. My pregnancy didn't seem to go the way I envisioned being pregnant would. In the beginning it did because once I got over the shock that I was indeed pregnant, I found myself beaming with happiness. There was nothing going to bring me down in the beginning. I didn't have a whole whole lot of sickness when I first found out. I remember wanting to get sick at least once cause that meant it really was real. The very first time I did get sick I will never forget. It was on a Saturday morning and after it happened I just smiled. I know that sounds really weird, but I was still not really grasping the fact that I was pregnant. I seemed to stay in a shock state for a little bit, but I was able to be in a shock/happy state as well. I ended up showing really early because I wanted to make sure to eat enough in order to maintain the pregnancy and keep baby safe. I remember being so anxious to really have the pregnancy belly in the early stages of pregnancy. The funny thing is, once I couldn't fit into my regular clothes anymore, which was right around 4 months, I kinda felt sad. I guess it's just one of the joys of being pregnant. I had morning sicknes..aka...all day sickness...up until my 2nd trimester. The sickness was pretty rough. There were times I felt like I was going to pass out and it freaked me out a lot. I also got extremely tired in the beginning stages of pregnancy. Once the sickness wore off I was able to enjoy a little bit of the pregnancy. It didn't take long though before I started getting real uncomfortable and felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stand up for any length of time or the world would start spinning, I couldn't catch my breath, and I felt real shaky. I'm really not sure why I felt that way unless it really was the fact that my body couldn't handle the weight gain. I gained the maximum amount of weight they want you to gain, which is 35 lbs. I was happy with that while I was pregnant cause I've heard of people who gain a whole lot of weight with their first and then never can lose it. I guess I thought my weight would just fall right off by itself or something, but newsflash, it didn't!It took me up until Maddy was 13 months to finally get down to my pre-pregnancy weight and I'm still struggling a little with my weight as well as getting my body toned back up. I know this post seems really random...welcome to my head lol...but I've been contemplating posting something similar to this for a few days now. I was even going to talk solely about my having baby blues on tonight's post, but decided not to because I really don't want to hear people tell me all the reasons why I don't want to have another baby right now. I already know how hard it would be having 2 babies to look after and I remember how miserable I felt during pregnancy and how much sleep I'd lose and the list goes on. I left off the most important reason...I'm not married. I always said before I had Maddy that I was going to be the different one and do things right...well, I failed. Even though I failed, God still showed me in pregnancy and delivery that He still cared about me and the things that mattered to me. I stood in awe of the different ways I saw Him work throughout my pregnancy. The most amazing one of all was the day Maddy was born. Most first time mom's when they find out they are pregnant have nightmares or have fears of what labor is going to feel like...not me. My fear and my nightmares consisted of getting that stupid IV. I didn't care what labor felt like in the beginning, but I stressed and worried all day and all night about getting an IV. I have a major fear of needles. I was supposed to be induced on September 24 at 6 a.m. My prayer had been from the minute I found out I was pregnant that I would go naturally and that God would help me get through the IV whether I didn't have to have one or they would numb it or whatever the scenario could be. On September 22nd I started having some major discomfort but not where I thought I would if I were in labor. We went out to Cracker Barrel that night for dinner. I had had my last doctor appointment before baby came. Towards the end of dinner I had some pain shoot through that put me on the edge of my chair. I felt like jumping up and screaming, but knew I couldn't do that. I had no idea what was going on, but labor was nowhere in the back of my mind. It only happened every so often. We went on to Wal-Mart and as my step dad was trying on clothes it happened again. It seems like I told my mom that I was hurting in a weird place but I may have just kept it to myself. By the time we got home the pains had pretty much stopped. I did feel pressure in my stomach but I thought it was due to something else and so I just thought if I could curl up and get to bed it'd be better the next day. So 11 p.m. the pressure has kicked up a lot and I didn't feel like I could get to sleep. I forced myself to go to sleep and sleep I did until 1 a.m. when I woke up in severe pain. Labor still had not even crossed my mind cause it was not the type of pain I envisioned labor being. There was no going back to sleep so I decide to jump on myspace to try to get my mind off the pain. By this time it is 1:36 a.m. and I cannot sit at the computer anymore. Back to my bedroom I go and I realized that the pain was coming in waves. I got the bright idea to time them. I had one at 1:36 it went away by 1:37. Next one comes at 1:42...hmm...5 minutes apart. OH MAN!!! 5 minutes sounds like labor but surely this can't be labor. So, I decide to time another one. Next one happens...hmm..another 5 minutes. Nah, I'm not in labor. These are the thoughts that went through my head. If I admitted I was in labor, that meant I had no choice but to go to the hospital and get an IV. So I decide to take a bath. I can handle a whole lot of pain while in the bath. I start working on breathing just in case I was in labor and it took no time for the pain to go away. I thought it had completely stopped and by this time I'm so tired from lack of sleep as well as the heat from the tub that I decide to go back to bed. As soon as I hit the bed I have major pressure happen again. So I work through all night thinking I'd just wait to tell my mom once my step dad left for work that morning. The weird thing is something told me to grab my mom's exercise ball the night I went into labor but I was like what would I do with it in my room. Once I was in pain I was like I should have listened to my gut. Ladies, always listen to that little voice! I hear my step dad leave I guess around 5:30 or 6 a.m. so I text my mom...my text said, "When you get a minute can you come here?" I wait for what seems like an eternity, but it was only 30 minutes. I couldn't stand the pain much longer so I decide to call her. I told her I thought I was in labor and she's like ok we need to call the doctor. I was like but I might not be in labor and I explain how I feel and she's like you are in labor. By this time I am really panicking on the inside. I decided to wait a long while before I actually picked the phone up and called the doctor. I believe I called around 7:15 a.m. and answer the questions and she confirmed that yes, I was in fact in labor and to go to the hospital. Being in labor when contractions are 2-3 minutes apart and walking or riding in a car is no fun at all. I so wanted to stay home and just go from the tub to the exercise ball to my bed and alternate as frequent as needed, but my mom doesn't know how to birth a baby so I really had no choice lol. I handled labor so well on my own at home with the help of my mom. I was working through the pain which I was very proud of myself for. We get to the hospital and by this time I'm just crying so my mom asked if they could give me numbing medicine for the IV. The nurse that admitted me was wonderful and said she'd try to get me something. She did. Once I was admitted the nurses just wanted their convenience and being in labor with no epidural is not convenient to them and this one nurse told me I was inconveniencing her so I gave up on giving birth without the epidural soon after being admitted. I lost my concentration and couldn't get it back. I labored for 8 hours on my own at home and that's longer than I thought I'd last. I was between 4-5 cm dilated as well so contractions were very intense. Once the epidural was in...which was around 10:45 things started going downhill. I was told my blood pressure was almost bottoming out and then Maddy's heart rate wasn't doing so good either. I knew something wasn't right but I felt so out of it that I just laid there. They ended up having to put in an internal monitor cause they said they were having a hard time keeping up with baby the other way. So she puts it in and there is nothing. She has a look on her face that scared me half to death. No matter what she did she wasn't getting anything or it was very faint. She finally decides to check me and was like oh my goodness no wonder we can't get baby's heart rate...you're ready to push lol. whew...everything is going to be a ok. Once pushing began after half way through the nurse got a really scary look on her face that told me something was wrong. I can't remember everything that was said, but something was said and then she looked like something was wrong and I just start crying. She asked if she scared me and I didn't want to make her feel like it was her fault and I just said I'm just very emotional right now. After an hour of pushing Madison Paige was finally born. She was born at 3:01 p.m. and weighed in at 6lbs 2 oz. and was 19" long. When she was born she didn't cry and they had to immediately take her as she had passed miconium before delivery. It seemed like forever before I finally heard her cry. Once I heard her cry I just relaxed as much as possible and once it hit me everything that had happened I just started crying once again. I was told that they had to use a cpap on her to help her breath but luckily she turned out just as healthy as can be. If you are expecting I just want to say congratulations! You are about to embark on an amazing journey with your child. Maddy is the best thing that has happened to me and I thank God every day for her. She is my blessing and I love her more than words can say. I have to post this now as my battery is dying. I will re-read this later tonight or tomorrow to make sure it makes sense and flows as much as can be.

sadness/grief

I have read a few blogs over the time and so far there are two that really stick out to me. One being from the MTV show 16 & Pregnant (The Life Of Ashley Salaz something) and then there is the one I read today (In This Wonderful Life, I believe was the name). Both of these blogs have really stirred my emotions. Hearing the struggles Ashley went through when she decided to place her baby up for adoption is just overwhelming. It makes me think about Maddy and how I would feel if I decided to give her up for adoption and then had to live the rest of my life with that decision. Now don't misunderstand what I am getting at here...I do not think Ashley made a bad decision, just a hard one. After making the decision to give her baby to her aunt to raise, she quickly realized she couldn't go through life without her precious daughter Callie. That is a beautiful name. MTV showed a little of her struggles and I just wanted to reach out and hug her. She doesn't write on her blog much and she actually is contemplating closing it as it sounds she is having another round of struggles with the decision she made. The one I read today was about a little baby boy named Cohen. They found out when she was pregnant that their baby had 4 kinds of heart defects and the doctors weren't sure what was going to happen when he was born. She said when he was born he came out kicking and screaming and made a slideshow of the delivery that will just make the tears come pouring out. He only lived for 11 or 12 days and I read that he passed away while in his parents arms. I can't even write that sentence without getting choked up because the flesh part of me wants to say he was just a baby...he deserved a chance to live..his parents deserved to get to enjoy him. Before I go on I just want to say that that's not me getting angry with God and questioning him...those were just my first thoughts. As a parent myself, I just cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to have to bury your own child...especially your newborn child. They have a beautiful picture of him in black and white that was taken right before he passed away and with everything he had been through, he just looked so peaceful. They know he is in Heaven and that they will see him again one day. They seem to have strong faith which is the only thing that will help you get through a time like that, but my heart goes out to them. I don't know them from adam, but I will think about and pray for them often. I don't know why I chose to talk about these two blogs, or what relevance this has, but it has been a great relief to talk about how they made me feel.