Tornado

My sadness continues over this week. I want to clarify that I am not depressed or anything like that...I just keep having a chain of events that is hard to deal with. I have been so strong today and kept my emotions back and kept on going like nothing was wrong, but on the inside..I wanted to burst into tears, my heart was beating so fast, I had butterflies in my stomach, and I have literally felt sick all day. I've had problems with my appetite lately...I go all day feeling full even though I didn't eat anything. Today's matters definately did not help that situation at all. I really would love to just tell all because that would help me feel a little better, but there are some people who I do not want to see what I write so instead of being paranoid all the time, I choose to keep it to myself and maybe write in my personal journal every thing I am wanting to say. Sometimes I take a look back at my life and wonder what the heck I was thinking in certain situations. I know what I am going through is my fault and I know God is here for me with open arms and no matter how much I may mess up, I know He will always help me find my way. I've watched the movie Facing The Giants a few times this month and everytime I just want to give up and throw in the towel...I make sure to say I will still love you Lord. I don't just say it to say it...I mean what I say. I also know that there is nothing impossible for the Lord. I just have to do my best and the Lord will take care of the rest. I look forward to the day when the skies open up and that trumpet sounds and Jesus is there to take us home. Well, I will quit my whinging now lol. 

I'm An Emotional Girl!

Today has been a little rough on me. It has nothing to do with Maddy or anything like that, it has everything to do with my emotions. Sometimes I wish emotions didn't exist, but then what kind of life would that be. I want to keep all the good emotions and do away with the not so good ones. Life certainly has its ups and downs. One thing I have learned in my life is that even though sometimes you feel all alone while you are down in life, you are never alone...God is always right there with open arms. I'm so thankful that I have a God that is always right there waiting for me to turn to Him no matter how long it takes. I say all this because I am a confused person right now. I know what I want in my life, but it doesn't really seem to be heading there. If anything, it seems to be going the opposite direction. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for His guidance and I am just so confused. I know that since things are kind of going in the opposite direction that is a very clear sign that that's how things should be. Well, I told God a few weeks ago that I choose Him and that I will still love Him even when things don't go my way. My question is...when will the hurt go away? When will my feelings go away and align more with where God has placed me right now? I feel that I am being pulled in different directions by different people and sometimes I just want to scream STOP!! I am also so scared of making the wrong decision that I think that plays a big part in my confusion. Life is hard...with the help of God I always find the light at the end of the tunnels, I just don't always like the journey and my friend...I am definately on a journey right now.

On another note..Maddy's school had football friday today. All the teachers and kids dressed up in their favorite teams color. They went all out and had balloons and decorations and everything. I am so very happy that her daycare gets involved and does more than just the normal everyday stuff. Maddy looked so cute as always!! I'm not going to post pics because most of the people that might read this are already on my facebook. Tonight for dinner she had pasta shells and cheese and she is all about feeding herself so I always put her in her highchair and let her go for it. I didn't anticipate her getting as dirty as she did lol. She started out ok because she was just picking up the pasta and eating it. Oh, before I go on I must say that she was given a plate so I just chose to put her food on there. As I put the pasta on there...there ended up being quite a bit of extra cheese that had accumulated on the plate. Once she was done she took the whole plate and starting licking the cheese off the plate. Being just 1 years old, she doesn't have the best use of her hands yet so the cheese ended up going all in her hair and all over her face. She was wanting more but there wasn't any so i just put all the extra cheese on her plate and she would take gobs of cheese in her hand and shove it in her mouth. It was very entertaining lol. As I was starting to clean up the mess I asked her who the best mom in the world was for letting her make such a mess and as soon as I got done she looked up and said, "MAMA!!" Me and my mom just laughed. It was great! We pretty much headed straight for the tub afterwards and then she went to bed. Maddy has been the biggest blessing in my life. I can't even describe what a blessing she has been. I will say that she gave me a much better understanding of how God views us. I used to fear Him in the wrong way and I was almost scared of Him and thought that he just was always angry with me because I do sin every single day and I just felt so unworthy. Once I became pregnant I was thinking of loving Maddy and it just clicked. God isn't just always angry with me and He does see me as worthy, which is why He died on the cross...for me!! I understood that just as a parent has to discipline a child when they do wrong...God does the same thing with me. He doesn't do it cause He's mad at me or hates me..He does it to teach me and correct me and He also does it out of love. That day was very eye opening for me and I just cried and thanked the Lord for showing that to me cause I really needed that. Well, I'm way past my bedtime and I'm really hoping I will be able to lay down and go to sleep, but I kinda doubt it...my mind is still going 90 miles a minute but if I can't...then I'll just pray and pray and pray. Hope you all have a good night!

Thoughts and Reflections

Well, I have returned...I think. I need to start doing this more often...for my own benefit at least. As you can see Maddy is walking now...so much has changed since I last wrote. She started walking at 11 months. She took her first real steps on my step dad's birthday, August 31 and by September 2 she was toddlin around hehe. She's finally in her crib all the time now. It only took going through 3 swings to get there. She's got 4 bottom teeth and at least 5 top teeth. We celebrated her first birthday. Her actual birthday is September 23 and we had a mini celebration that day and then her party was on September 25 and she was a hoot! I'll post a few pics of her party down below...

 This was at Chick-Fil-A on her birthday...she had her first kids meal and as you can see was so very happy

 For her cake she had a cupcake from Gigi's...they are pretty good, but not really worth the price

As you can see things got very messy and all in all it was a great day! It is so hard to believe it has already been a year. It seems like just yesterday I was bouncing her on an exercise ball because that's the only way she could fall asleep due to her tummy hurting. She is THE best thing that has happened to me and I just can't imagine life without her!

Not much has changed with me. I did get somewhat of a promotion at work. I'll still be processing claims, however, I'll be dealing with transplants and I haven't heard anything, but I'm hoping it comes with a pay raise. My new title will be claims processor sr. associate. It's been hard for me to meet production this month and I am ready for a change and hopefully I will get my stats back up where they need to be and I won't be worried about losing my job all the time. Well...I guess that's all I have to say for now. I'd really like to make this a part of my routine cause it feels good to get all my feelings out...not that I did that tonight lol. I hope everybody had a good day and gets good sleep tonight...I'm so ready to hit the pillow :)