Singleness

When I thought about having kids, I never thought of me being a single mom. I always pictured being with a man who loved me very much as well as God and together we would raise our child. Obviously that is not my life today and yes I realize it is my own fault. As I was rocking Maddy tonight I was thinking about my life as a single mom. For a long time I didn't feel I could openly talk about being a single mom for fear that it might offend some people...especially family. As I was thinking I realized that just because I do get help here and there doesn't mean that I'm not a single mom. I don't have the luxury of saying here honey I'm really exhausted and need a nap so can you watch Maddy for me...or hey honey I'd like to work out so could you take Maddy...or I just need a little break. My mom helped out a good bit when Maddy was first born. She helped me in the hospital...I was not intending on being in that much pain after delivery but oh man it was horrible! Once we got home she took Maddy for her 4 a.m. feeding and let me sleep in a little later...I was so grateful for that too because Maddy was up every 2 hours on the dot. As she got to be a few weeks it would take her almost an hour to go back to bed cause her tummy hurt so bad and then once I could lay her down I would only get an hour sleep before it was time to do it all over again. In order to prevent daycare costs as well as a way for me to be around my baby all the time my mom took Maddy during the day while I was working. There is no way I could have not been around my baby when she was 7 weeks old. Today I am pretty much doing everything on my own now. My mom watches Maddy here and there for very short periods of time...whether it be so I can let my dog Manny out or if I need to pack Maddy's diaper bag, or if I need to use the bathroom haha...Just to clarify I'm not saying she should help out more...I'm just saying for the most part I can do it on my own. There are several times though I wish I could say hey, I need a break can you watch her for me? I have been working so hard on trying to get a place of my own so me and Maddy can be a more normal family, but it's just not possible right now and now I have a big fear of losing my job cause to them I'm just a number and right now I'm not meeting production and I really don't think I'm meeting quality. It is really rough being a single mom but at the end of the day it is worth every amount of effort I put in it. Sometimes I feel like i have to be superwoman and do everything, but I keep having to remind myself that I can only do so much as one person and just because someone else may can do more than me doesn't mean they are a better mom because of it. God has sure done a lot of providing and I could not have made it this far without Him. Well, I do believe I have rambled enough now...I better get some sleep before Maddy wakes up and I get no sleep.